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What Would You Do?

Discussion in 'Social' started by cactus_jack, Oct 7, 2007.

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  1. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

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    Recent events brought back memories of a situation that caused a lot of anger and hatred in my family against me. I stand a fair chance of meeting those family members again, and though I know what I did was right, I'm wondering what others would do under the same circumstances. I don't know how to explain this without disclosing facts, so please understand my errors.

    March, 1995: You are living in "X" town in "B" state, you go to church and have a discussion regarding heritage with other church members. In the discussion one family mentions they are from "D" town in "A" state and their kids went to "Q" school in which it turns out a close family member is staff. In the discussion you learn of a frightening allegation- trading sex with minors for grades. The family member is a distant but still close one, and you respect them a lot. So you talk to your grandfather and ask his opinion, and he responds "don't believe it". So you brush it "under the rug".

    July, 1995: You are now living in "Z" town still in "B" state, 165 miles from "X" town. Same situation, same issue, except a different student that as it turns out doesn't know the other former student. Same exact allegation.

    What would you do?


    What did I do? First time I called my grandfather and discussed it with him. We agreed that the family member is far better than that and would never trade sex with minors for grades. Sex with minors for grades? Yep, that's when a young girl that's getting poor grades offers a sexual act to the teacher for either help or change in grades. I think we've all seen that before. Now, we have a second former student. Same religious faith as I (back then anyways), same allegation, and the same teacher. Except it's four months later and 165 miles apart. And the girls claim they don't know one another. Logic prevails- under these circumstances the odds are already "playing tight"-
    1. the chance I'd ever meet two separate students in two separate towns
    2. that know the family member
    3. that attended that school
    4. that claim they don't know one another
    5. and that have the very same allegation
    6. AND that are of the same faith as myself?

    What would you do????

    After the second allegation, I asked a few additional questions and then discussed it with the school district. I have no knowledge of what happened after that initial report. I never asked. I stayed out of it. But ever since, the family member has had a serious dislike for me. Fine by me, I feel I did what was right.
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I hope you can work through this. I think you are making a mistake by trying to rehash how maybe it should have been done if you think it you should have done it differently. You can only go forward. If you think you did the right thing then good for you, no one can ask you to do more than what you think is right. I am not going to give an opinion how I would do it as hindsight is always 20/20 and everyone can imagine how they would do something, but once you are in a certain spot it doesn't actually play out like we imagine.
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I think you did do what was right. Two separate students, two separate times. Pretty fishy. The only thing you could do was report it and let it go. It's out of your hands but you did the right thing. Congrats! Hope the backlash from the family isn't too bad.

    bec
     
  5. Damiea

    Damiea Well-Known Member

    I believe it's alwase better to be safe then sorry.. and anyone who is innocent should feel this way and believe you should say something rather then not. If it was me that was the teacher and I was innocent I would want my name cleared after knowing parents and students where saying this stuff. You can never know for sure if you did the right thing.. but no matter what you do or don't do as long as you tried to help then it was a good thing.
     
  6. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

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    Thanks, guys. No matter the final outcome, I still stand behind what I did. I've always had this thing about my feelings and actions, and I have always stood behind my actions no matter what they are or how stupid they appear to be in the end. I only take the best action that is available at the time, and like what has been said, now is not then.
     
  7. Portabella

    Portabella Well-Known Member

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    I applaud you CJ for not turning the other cheek as so often happens, you may have saved many kids from being traumatized. Kudos....
     
  8. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

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    You passed on information. True or not, is not for you to decide, authorities have to figure that out. If it's true... then you've saved a lot of children from a lot of pain. If he's wrongly accused, hopefully he'll be cleared. But don't blame yourself. If more people spoke out more often abuse would have a hard time existing for long.

    I second what Portabella said.
     
  9. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Porta and Lisa. I don't hold myself responsible, I hold him responsible. Did he do it? I don't know and I don't care. I'm not there to decide or investigate. I did exactly what I would expect him to do to me had the roles been reversed. If he can't live with it, I think it sucks, I think its unfortunate, but I also think that is telling me there's far more to this story than what I have been told so far. Because he, as a professional, would not react like he has if he was "innocent". He'd understand. Disagree, feel hurt, feel offended, but nothing more. THAT is human.

    Oh well. I know I did what was right.
     
  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Why would you think him being angered or reacting like he is with hatred mean or wrong? Would any of us sit back and go oh it is OK and let it go if it were reversed? I am not doing more than playing devil's advocate but I know if I were innocent I would flip. What does disagree, hurt, offended entail in your opinion if not what he is reacting like now?

    Was it suspicious and should be reported? Yes. Does it make him guilty? Like you said not your job. Does it really make him wrong to be hateful... I am not inclined to say no. If I were innocent I would be beyond pissed. You only have to be accused or attention brought for people to assume you are a molester, not proven in court for the public. If he is found innocent and kids were playing games that ruins lives I hope you can be understanding as his will be soiled no matter the outcome. I would pray it is one less child hurt and these charges false. But if he is innocent he is not wrong at all reacting like he is as that is human.
     
  11. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    BTW, I have personal experience with this. I was not accused but my daughter accused falsely. I have seen damage done by false accusations and how much people hated me for reports that I never even made as my girl did not come to me with her lies.
     
  12. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

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    He's not the one with the hatred, nor am I and I never siad it was wrong to feel that.

    No, I never said any of us would. Yes I have been accused and nothing ever came of it, I was discriminated against, and I know very well the rage and anger one has from being accused.

    Actually, the problem isn't him. It's his side of the family AND him.

    I agree. And I said he has every right to be angry. But I also know that if all else fails, he can always ask me for my side. Will that make it better? Likely not, but it may help him understand it a bit better.

    Oh yes, that I know and I think I have mentioned it in the PTSD forum before (I think). But if need be I can provide some documentation to what I'm saying I've been through. It's not pretty at all, I know.

    Yes I try. But considering that if they are/were telling the truth, and word came back that I had knowledge of it, at best I'd be embroiled in a sick and demented pedo-sex scandal and at worst I could be looking at upto 8 years in prison.

    I only pray for the truth to come out. No matter his innocence, anger is justified. I just wish we could discuss it so he'd at least be presented with my side of the story. It hurts a lot to have to take sides in something like this. It hurts a lot to have to "rat" on family.

    I know this won't help any, though I know in different yet similar circumstances I have told people that unless they are directly involved or are privy to the details, they should keep their noses out of it. I also know that here in Colorado there are legal ramifications for people doing just what you described.
     
  13. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Not to much can be done since my daughter was 5 (more or less) when she started pointing fingers and when I was working. So the babysitter made the reports. Made me wonder if my baby stitter put these ideas in her head and trained her what to say since I was having hell back and forth in courts with that side of the family (my exs) and maybe in some bizarre way she thought she was helping? CPS does not disclose who reported, my sitter told me my daughter told her after CPS came around and the ball was rolling. It is a horrible thing to live through and my daughter ended up after the mini witch hunt leaving everyone with egg of their face, counseling had started before the hospital and specialist investigating physical harm and I was not in good grace with the court as I refused visitation until it was resolved. Apparently I had to let it be proven. By the time it was said and done there was not a single male of any age from 65 down to infant that was not accused. I mean none from both sides of our family. It was crazy. To this day I really do not know how that got so out of hand. I guess she liked the extra coddling from the strangers. I have been told by many family members that my daughter has never "been right". If you know what I mean. We kept any male at bay when it came apparent she would accuse if left two seconds alone. As she aged we started keeping her separate from the baby for fear of the harm to him! Without say she has been on various meds that never helped to counsel. They still hate me thinking I started it all.

    Maybe I misread your post, it just seemed you could not understand the hatred, while I guess I can. They all still hate me deeply for it though and I tried to tell them after it was not me. I could not ever make them understand as any normal mom of course I was not sending her over there court ordered or not until the investigation was complete.

    Just wanted to show you the flip side. And teens can start ugly rumors... The next one says me too! I am just really praying this is the case though he will be ruined but at least no girls hurt. I hope your family will eventually come around, but even if they know it is the right thing you did they will still very unlikely forgive or get over it. If he is guilty you will then be the one held at fault in there eyes as so many cannot blame the real abusers.
     
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