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When All Hope Is Lost

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Nighthawk

MyPTSD Pro
I have to find help find a way to not let this concor me but get through it without so much distress.

I have been in the war zone for a while now trapped in a alternate real realty that taps int tom my past realty that taps int to my now realty.

I suffer and if not in one way in many. I had a knee replacement in Sept of 2012 that in my opinion went horribly wrong. I have battled alone and rather silently other than the support of my T. Latley my physical pain has seemed to seep onto the forum. My depression is way up there and I feel like I have no where to turn.

Lets fast forward. I have had major stuff go on since the surgery like being diagnosed with Fibromayalga and spondyloarthropathy and acute pain in the hips and have recently fallen far into the depths of the medical world. I recenttly went for bone scans and cats scans. Thiis was after finding out that my right knee is a gonner which I have known for a long time and my hips have bone spurs a possible cartalage tear and will have to both be replaced at some point in the future. That my Authritis has now moved into my pelvis and SI joints and who knows where else.

Struggeling with 9 on the pian scale almost daily I have been refered to pain management. I go to my appointment and for what reason other than beeing in mass amounts of pain and some trigger. I have a blow out with anger and tears anf walk out without seing the DR. Come to find out there is only 2 on my plan so I may have burnt my bridges and feel tremendous shame this even happened.

Any way my head is all over the place i think I would be able to write pages and pages on this problem.

I see no path forward. No way due to fearand a daily reminder that surgeries dont alwas go right.But can rather go horribly wrong. Not my first surgical trauma either.

How do I go forward I am stuck seeing nothing but the end of my days.

I know I either have to accept or grieve or I dont know how just broken and feeling very alone.
 
I know I either have to accept or grieve or I dont know how just broken and feeling very alone.

I humbly submit to accept that there is no shame in grieving, thus do both. Your acceptance thread was/is still a beautiful thread and I think will be a staple. Looking back on what I now accept, through other boards as well as programs, the years of posting reminds me of some of the progress that I have made. Yes, much more to go...but the point is forward thinking at times, if only in a moment at a time.

Fierce physical pain on a constant basis is insidiously erosive on the quality of life and mental health. You have managed well if only to come forward and ask for support, not knowing if you may find someone that understands the enormity of your level and how to integrate hope for pain management.

I have found so many supporting text, books as well as articles on such programs for MBRS involving meditation for pain management. The hope appeared in not decreasing our pain insomuch as assisting our body in accepting the trauma through new path ways. It is a 50/50 shot of needing less medication or healing mentally as well as spiritually in unison.

There is an meditation spearheaded for depression by @Ms Spock this June. There lies some of the battle for those of us in pain ...in loosing hope or wading in sadness. Please consider trying but again...with our group. I would do anything to slow my fear and pain from my disease, but I recognize my physical pain may be much lower. So I will lend you some of my higher level of hope to support you in your journey to heal.

Grieving is part of accepting where we are within our journey.:hug::hug::hug:

Edit: Wanted to add this resource link as well. It is suppose to be free and I am considering trying it shortly as it is a MBRS program for several weeks:

http://palousemindfulness.com/index.html
 
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@Recovery4Me I struggle with mindfulness and the practice of it strsses me out beyond belief.I think my ADHD plays a role in the fact that I can't typacially focouson anything for much time. Even in posting the above my brain sidetracked a zillion times. For your much appreciated support, no words.

I must state that I hate that my pain is seeping into the boards.I hate thet it has reached this level. I struggle enough with PTSD but this is beyound defeating. Im stuck in pain and stuck in T all at the same time stuck.
 
I don't know what to say @Nighthawk. I really feel for you at this time. I have noticed you have been having a really rugged time for quite a while now. I really wish I knew what to say to you. I wish you the best and I hope you get some relief and peace soon. Chronic pain is not describable to those that have not lived with it. (A bit like PTSD really) So I send you hugs.
 
I hear you NightHawk :hug::hug:. I am listening and hear you most certainly would have considered many, many things by now.

Is there a direct MBRS program nearby in a hospital, that you can be trained with your ADHD and perhaps have meds balanced to assist with a team? Also there are many T's at this time that are MBRS certified that work with medical doctors. I am also hyperactive as well as attention deficit, so I can relate a tad as it is indeed harder but not unattainable. Just a thought ...not necessarily a good one.
 
I so want more productiveness and that seems to be stolen. I used to be so very self reliant and asking for help is a work in progress.

I wake in hte night weeping. I really hope T is better tomprrow as even T has beccome uncomfortable. I have an appointment in a week or two tp interview a new T. If one were to ask me 5 yers ago were do you think you would be in five yers. I would have never imagined my ansswer to be looking at wheelchairs. There was so much push and drive for me to do my left knee and it has caused much loss , grief and frustration.

I was wsorking very hard on a life worth living or just learning to live. I can't even imagine this possible.

i think I need to try and sleep something I am not getting much of these days.
 
:hug::hug:

I understand a little of your pain and hope the T will serve you in discovering new opportunities for hope. My disease has placed me in seasons of a wheelchair or pretty stationary for periods. It is one of the possible scenarios that I battle daily for hope and part of the plight that had me searching for a PTSD Board as medical can trigger or evoke as well.

I have some days that I am a mess, however, I largely clutch onto hope. Hope is an odd little positive emotion. Our initial appraisal of our situation might be to fear for the worse by catastrophizing or falling into all or nothing thinking. That's human. Yet we can yearn for the better. In hope, we yearn for the better despite our fear. There can be a tendency to be inventive within hope and acquire a new filter for alternatives. The outcome in hope can be increased resilience, renewed interest in our lives.


I do hear you NightHawk and you have the right to be sad. I will not try to minimize nor usher smoke screens. However, as Americans, we have a unique history of a fierce President and positive First Lady that graced our history...Franklin Delano Roosevelt. In all sincerity rarely have I seen a couple that inspired more hope to the disabled members of my family.

Spend a moment and look up some of Eleanor's quotes. I would place them on my whiteboard for my college students everyday. In time the students would add their own quotes because we can choose a positive outlook if only at a moment at a time.

eleanor-roosevelt-quote-2.jpg No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Rooseveltinwheelchair.jpg Our President in his wheelchair...

Remember, hope and fight for your right to regain a sense of how wonderful you are. Don't give up, ever!

:hug::hug:
 
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:hug::hug: Thanks but the honor is mine to walk with you, if just for a little bit.

I appreciate what you give here at the forum as well as who you are. Let us know about your session and how it fairs if you wish.
Peace and blessings~
 
I just got denied for disabilty again and am feeling and having tons of suicidal ideation. No hope . Destroyed
 
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