Some of us (and I certainly would never speak for all) need to have life become difficult in order to change. Some people view a personality disorder as if the illness or symptoms were a dysfunction that should not be tolerated by others. Friends that are too understanding are seen as enablers. People who have tolerated or coddled a dysfunction make sufferers weaker and less willing to make the hard changes that are needed in order to function in a healthier way.
I am quite conflicted when it comes to several boundaries that I would never tolerate with other friends. It seems to me that just in order to earn the trust of being in the category of friend and to pull the person out of isolation, I have had to do my share of giving up on my boundaries. Three of the hardest things for me have been the push-pull dance with at least a weeks break and once two months of no contact, the person not owning or accepting the fact that they are being perceived as angry and the person's lack of ability to keep appointments (including last minute cancellations).
I am still conflicted as to what constitutes a reasonable demand. Who gets to decide what behaviour is changeable or not? If the person with a personality disorder seems to be making an effort to change while constantly failing then what? It just seems wrong to insist. On the other hand, the last thing I want is to be an enabler. Should I perhaps ask him which of those three boundaries he would be willing to work with? I could really use some opinions here as I try to stay on with someone who is possibly BPD and strongly AvPD.
I am quite conflicted when it comes to several boundaries that I would never tolerate with other friends. It seems to me that just in order to earn the trust of being in the category of friend and to pull the person out of isolation, I have had to do my share of giving up on my boundaries. Three of the hardest things for me have been the push-pull dance with at least a weeks break and once two months of no contact, the person not owning or accepting the fact that they are being perceived as angry and the person's lack of ability to keep appointments (including last minute cancellations).
I am still conflicted as to what constitutes a reasonable demand. Who gets to decide what behaviour is changeable or not? If the person with a personality disorder seems to be making an effort to change while constantly failing then what? It just seems wrong to insist. On the other hand, the last thing I want is to be an enabler. Should I perhaps ask him which of those three boundaries he would be willing to work with? I could really use some opinions here as I try to stay on with someone who is possibly BPD and strongly AvPD.