J_trustno1
MyPTSD Pro
My anger is somewhat lower than it used to be last year n the year before. Self-pity is still there and so is loss of childhood sadness.
I know that dwelling on past or crying about this shit won't get me where I want to in life but these feelings are always there in the back of my mind.
I am still mad at my mother and when she tells me how lucky we are to having completed graduation and all that bullshit. But in reality it was me who worked hard to get this far in life. I am the one who stayed up nights to study and graduate with my university degrees n getting those scholarships NOT some bloody luck or miracle. I f*cking hate it when people categorize your hard work into LUCK.
The next thing is the loss if childhood. I see my cousins enjoying life and doing shit they want to with their parents money yet they are never criticized or hated like their parents did with us. I tend to hate anything that comes out of pedophiles wife (mum's sister) especially when she says nice things about others or shows empathy for other people because all that nonsense was missing when I was a bloody kid!!!
At times I feel like the abandoned child who will never be loved, never be wanted or accepted. Relationship seem deceptive to me regardless of which form they are in...
I still don't see myself worthy or beautiful because my looks have always been joked about be it at home by my father , mum's sisters or narcissistic brother and was called "ugly" by other girls at school. Whenever anyone looks at me I feel that it's all in my head because why will anyone look at me when I've heard crap about my looks or intelligence all my childhood and adult life till now. Seriously, I'm screwed up by all these assholes and probably never live a mentally healthy life!!
That's all for now.
I know that dwelling on past or crying about this shit won't get me where I want to in life but these feelings are always there in the back of my mind.
I am still mad at my mother and when she tells me how lucky we are to having completed graduation and all that bullshit. But in reality it was me who worked hard to get this far in life. I am the one who stayed up nights to study and graduate with my university degrees n getting those scholarships NOT some bloody luck or miracle. I f*cking hate it when people categorize your hard work into LUCK.
The next thing is the loss if childhood. I see my cousins enjoying life and doing shit they want to with their parents money yet they are never criticized or hated like their parents did with us. I tend to hate anything that comes out of pedophiles wife (mum's sister) especially when she says nice things about others or shows empathy for other people because all that nonsense was missing when I was a bloody kid!!!
At times I feel like the abandoned child who will never be loved, never be wanted or accepted. Relationship seem deceptive to me regardless of which form they are in...
I still don't see myself worthy or beautiful because my looks have always been joked about be it at home by my father , mum's sisters or narcissistic brother and was called "ugly" by other girls at school. Whenever anyone looks at me I feel that it's all in my head because why will anyone look at me when I've heard crap about my looks or intelligence all my childhood and adult life till now. Seriously, I'm screwed up by all these assholes and probably never live a mentally healthy life!!
That's all for now.
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