1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Daily Dose

Get the last 24hrs of new topics delivered to your inbox.

Click Here to Subscribe

When, in a Relationship, is Enough, Enough?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by metis-siren, May 15, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. metis-siren

    metis-siren Active Member

    148
    25
    5,168
    Hello all,

    I've come to a certain point in my relationship with my boyfriend of a year and an half, that I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I can either stay in the relationship where I am not happy, or I can leave.

    The situation hasn't been good for almost a year or so - or that's when it become exceedingly apparent to me. It's gotten to a point that arguments at least twice a day are the normal. Nothing I've done, or changed about myself has calmed the arguments, or made any semblance of peace between us.

    I feel like I've been trying to save this relationship for over a year. He has a severe anger problem that has resulted in abusive tendencies, from verbal to physical (towards my dog - which ceased quite a while ago). I've been trying to get him to go to therapy for about a year, which he refuses or makes up excuses - and I've realized I can only do so much and that in the end, he has to want to go.

    I've realized I can't fix this relationship by myself, and I've gotten to a point in the relationship where I can recognize what the constant fights and lack of security are doing to my health and wellbeing. I can't concentrate on my academics anymore - but when we've almost broken up, or he's out of the country I focus much better. The arguments cause so much stress that my health conditions flare up, which he doesn't particularly care about - except to say that I should "fix" it. In the past two hours, I've had a guilt trip about not wanting to have sex yesterday, about not doing enough for something I didn't even know was happening, and ridiculed for having a poor short term memory.

    In short, I know this isn't a healthy relationship and I know I'm better off without him - but I don't know how to leave yet another relationship, and not feel like there's something wrong with me. I suppose I feel a disconnect between my mind and my emotions.

    I think I need to emotionally detach myself from this person, but I'm not sure how to do so.

    I now have an idea of how my PTSD affects me, I know who I am, and I know what I want in life. Somehow, being with someone who doesn't even want to know what PTSD stands for, but wants me to fix it overnight somehow isn't cutting it anymore. I find I end up talking about this person more in my therapy than I do about my own life and my emotional state, because it tends to take over everything else. When I had a stalker, I got yelled at for having this person follow me - because my PTSD, anxiety and depression weren't high enough already. :rolleyes:

    So, how do you leave a relationship that you've poured so much into, to be completely alone?

    When I do leave this relationship, I have no supports, aside from my medical team, and a few friends who are in distress and no family. Half of me is completely terrified, and the other half of me is so excited to be on my own terms again. The fear of the unknown is much scarier than it actually is.

    "You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people."

    Feeling a little upside down,

    A. Lauren
     
  2. Register to participate in live chat, PTSD discussion and more.
  3. Andre

    Andre Active Member

    223
    10
    0
    If you will forgive what may be a few assumptions I will be blunt for a moment. What you wrote is more than enough already. From the way you describe your boyfriend he can only think of himself, of his needs. He is incapable of having any positive relationship. You must not sacrifice yourself. Your boyfriend never supports you and thinks only to hurt you. Continuously retrying the relationship only exposes you to more pain the longer you remain. Ending that situation is not destroying anything that deserves to remain or should ever remain. You say that you are afraid of change but try to realize that the change is not to an eternal isolation. It is nothing like that at all. The change is to leave a destructive relationship to find a more productive one with someone else who is more understanding. In any case you know personally how things are and what you want. This one has already ended so what is bad about finally discarding it for a real relationship with someone else?
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    3,530
    108
    0
    You will not heal if someone expects you to fix it as it does not just fix, bitches about sex (poor hubs got it 3 times in one year here without a complaint once) and then laid off as I felt horrible doing it then when he found out my feelings. You find sex is next to nothing in a relationship and comes back in healing. Does not fight as it messes me up (talk issues out instead) and and is more than willing to go in office with me to figure out ways for me to cope and us work through our issues at my whim.

    Even now as the anniversary and annual break down approaches he is trying so hard to keep his volume, the toddler's, and my teen's down and remove my toddler from the room or read books to occupy to keep stress from the home and tell my son you know this is the time of year for your mom and please do not mouth off or be sarcastic. He does it nicely and when I exit. My husband is trying so hard to nurse me through this and has for years.

    When in a relationship when one is hurting you give yourself up to help your partner. That is love. I have had to swap out during injuries he has had and shut down and cope to do for him and things I could not do before. But once he was well he took care of me recovering from doing for him. We hope one day I will be full functioning and it will be equal but we both know PTSD is not that. For now he has to do more for me than I can for him by a long shot and I am learning not to beat myself up for it. Just him being there as much as he has has beaten me up, but not now, I know I need his support.

    Love is out there even for us who are ill. We or our better halves may have moments of doubt but it passes, it is just tiredness. But we still bounce back, and keep doing so as that is love.

    I am not going to say what you should do as this is only a choice you can make and how to do it, but I will tell you what true love is. And what it feels like. Love has bumps and bruises but it does in the big picture have support. Good luck.
     
  5. metis-siren

    metis-siren Active Member

    148
    25
    5,168
    It took me a few days to let everything sink in a little more. I had a talk with him about the relationship - it was possibly one of the few times that an argument hasn't arisen. He said he'd go to counseling, and he booked an appointment with his GP to get a referral to a counselor. I'm not holding my breath. For that one day things seemed to get better - except he was not happy that I was pretty much devoid of emotion. I completely shut off my emotions as to try to talk about it without getting overwhelmed - and I let it all out when I was alone.

    I think he thinks that money and gifts will bring things back to some semblance of normal - he's spending a lot of money on getting my balcony all green - but refuses to acknowledge that what I want isn't what he wants in regards to my balcony.

    We took my dog for a walk and grabbed a coffee earlier today - apparently me not wanting to have sex means I need to give a good long explanation as to why. Simply stating that I'm not emotionally there right now, and that the arguments leave me not feeling very sexual isn't a good enough answer. What I'm realizing is that there is no area in the relationship just to back off, or to let it be.

    I know that I don't love him all the time, and that I'm probably associating a feeling of "comfort" and being used to having him around as love as opposed to the true meaning.

    What I'm realizing is that no matter how much counseling he go through, no matter how much better he gets at controlling his temper and trying to be supportive - that on some level the compatibility isn't there, and no matter how much I want it to be, I can't will it.

    I wanted to see my psych again to figure out a safe plan of how to break things off - but because we have a long weekend I don't have an appointment next week.

    I worry - because he thinks the dog is partly his, and he has keys to my apartment. He's said time and time again that if we break up he still wants to see the dog - I want nothing of the sort. I have a legal contract with the breeder I got my dog from that states that it is mine, and mine alone. I worry that he'll come in and take everything he's ever given me, I worry that I won't get my keys back.

    I believe I mentioned he used to be violent towards the dog - and though that time has passed - he doesn't see that his dragging my dog on when it's on it's leash as anything to be worried about.

    Is it possible to create a safety plan and a time frame to break up with someone - as to feel a little more control over the situation? And should I wait until he's gone to counseling, to see how that turns out - or at least to know he's getting help, no necessarily for me, but for any future girlfriends, or is that just along the lines of stalling?
     
  6. Andre

    Andre Active Member

    223
    10
    0
    The answers inevitably must be based on what you feel is best. What you feel safe doing. I will say a little more about a few things so that you start to think about some possible complications. He has only been violent to the dog so far but that still says a lot about his general personality. It is not your duty to subject yourself to that in any way under any circumstance. He has delayed seeking treatment and may not be sincere yet anyway. Right now he may seem fine but staying with him could enable him to deny his problems again, and he is already starting to take it out on you and has acted violently near you. One detail is not to accept any more gifts from him, or permit him to do anything else like that. About the dog maybe something like showing him a photocopy of the license and offering him a chance to buy the dog from you (He is supposedly so attached to it but that will settle that). If he ever threatens you or hits you that calls for the police to become more involved immediately. Look into getting the locks changed. Take his name off any residency papers you have. If he breaks into your place report him, if he follows you around report him, etc. He needs to take care of his problems first and you do not need to be around for him to hurt you more. Later on assuming he has been in some kind of treatment program or therapy you could try to renew some contact if you wanted, but I would caution you to not do that until he is actively working on himself.
     
  7. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    3,530
    108
    0
    Worry about you and not futures women... Change the locks, call a lock smith and you are done, no keys to return or to be copied and have the set you gave returned. Tell him to pound sand through the door and never be stupid enough to open it no matter how pathetic it sounds (I say stupid as I have done it). Gift are gifts and paper work stating your dog is yours means it is yours, period. Dogs are not kids but are property like your pillow in the eyes of the law.

    If you decide to break do a whole and clean break. He does not leave after saying so through a door the call the police to have him removed.

    Once you are ready to end something leave no strings and no, you can't be friends. Maybe 1% of the time but 25 or more % you are more likely to end up with a stalker than friend.

    But that is how to break up well, but if you decide to stick it out it is up to you and only you. I am not going to lie and say my marriage has always been rosey and has not hit a few hard knocks, but it was my choice and his and good he and I both stayed.
     
  8. 9Lives

    9Lives Active Member

    64
    3
    0
    hello

    Dear Metis-Siren,
    I think your boyfriend & my husband must be twins! I'm in the same boat & I'm in the process of figuring out a safe plan for me & my 2 year old in case we need to leave too. I wish you the best of luck...
     
  9. Chantico

    Chantico Member

    21
    0
    0
    I agree with all the advice other people have given in this post. I've never been in that situation myself so my advice may not count for much, but I would also recommend getting some self defense classes. I'm not saying you'll need them, but you sound scared and if nothing else it will be a great boost of self-confidence and self esteem and fitness levels.

    And if you do need them, then you'll have at least a little knowledge about what to do.

    All I can say is that karate made me the person I am today, and I hope you find something that can do the same for you. Good luck!
     
  10. vera

    vera Active Member

    126
    14
    0
    i would say... if you choose to quit him you should first make sure you'll be ok the first few days: make sure there's plenty of food and clean clothes around the house, that the place is tidy and ready for you to do whatever you enjoy doing, that the lock's been changed and that a friend will visit you or at least drop by for a moment regularly for some days.
    i don't know... maybe this is not what you asked. but it's just that i've found myself quitting my ex suddenly when things got nasty and going home to a messy apartment in which i could not cook a decent meal or move around easily, and it made me want to go back with him just to be someplace else, with clean sheets and somebody wrapped up around me.
    sorry if this was too stupid.
     
  11. metis-siren

    metis-siren Active Member

    148
    25
    5,168
    I suppose I should update this. We started therapy a few months ago, and things have turned around significantly. To the point where I'm not getting any complaints about the lack of sex, and our communication is completely different. Honestly, I feel like I'm in a different relationship. The therapy has made him question a lot of things, and has put me in the position of being the supportive one when he's had inklings of depression, so things have gotten better. In many respects, I think I did leave that relationship when I gave him an ultimatum of therapy or I was leaving, and that therapy wasn't a guarantee.

    My wrists have been really sore lately, so I'm going to leave it at that for now, but things have gotten significantly better, but I know that where I started off when I wrote the original post and where I am now are two completely different places.
     
  12. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    3,530
    108
    0
    That is wonderful news and I like your take on it.
     
  13. Sandi79

    Sandi79 Active Member

    147
    208
    83
    As you are someone with PTSD but have an unsupportive partner, if he was supportive, if he loved you and was understanding, coulld you make that work? If the answer is yes, than its not you. I dont think you should stay with him. You deserve love and understanding.
     
Loading...
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Show Sidebar