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Where am i going in therapy.

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ThePhoenix

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I have spent many years in therapy addressing anorexia. I have a history of CSA but have always refused to address it. Fast forward to now...I've been in recovery from anorexia for many many years. At the start of the new year I began to experience some old eating disorder thoughts. Life was/is stable. I feel secure,so I was knocked off my feet when old thoughts/patterns came up. At the same time past defense mechanisms that have "helped" me cope with memories, nightmare, intrusive thoughts became less effective. I decided it was probably time to address my trauma. I asked around and was eventually referred to a trauma/eating disorder specialist. I felt a positive connection and have been seeing the T for a few months now.

The problem? I don't know what is going on in therapy. When I started seeing the T I entered with pretty solid coping and self care skills. We spent some time on reviewing coping skills making sure the stability was there etc. then started to visit some of my past. One session we will touch on an incident and then spend a session or two talking about PTSD, mindfulness what have you. Then we might talk a session about a totally different trauma then the one we started to address before.
A month ago the T asked if I could share the trauma memories that bother me the most. Verbally I was not able to (grrrr) so T asked if I could write them. I was able to do that however I didn't share (T didn't ask). We discussed how writing made me feel and for the first time ever I actually expressed feelings I've never voiced out loud. We've not ever revisited those feelings. Fast forward to now..Often I feel like I'm in a theory class. I sometimes find myself reminding the T I get it, it's something I practice in my own workplace.
I admit I'm not one to embrace feelings. My avoidance with the bigger, scary ones is strong.
I guess I find myself wondering when I'm going to start to feel better. Why do we skip around so much? Is this "normal" in trauma therapy?
Every month or so we check in on where I see progress and where T sees progress. Most importantly for me eating disorder thoughts have decreased although oddly enough we don't actually talking about eating issues aside from very brief check-ins with behaviors (I didn't actually relapse so no behaviors just thoughts). I wonder though when am I going to feel better? When will the intrusive thoughts the flashbacks etc stop. We dip our toes into trauma waters but then retreat. I know I should ask the T this stuff but I can't. I'm not a big talker. In therapy I've had a few sessions where I check out for brief periods but have managed to ground myself. Is this why we are going so painfully slow? Am I wasting time in therapy? Am I not as ready as I thought I was? I'm frustrated! Maybe more with myself then the T or therapy. It's like my inside self is raging to be free but my intellectual self is pushing back. Is this normal? I had some illusion I'd be in and out of therapy in 20 sessions tops. I long to feel whole and complete have some internal peace. I just don't have any idea where therapy is going and the lack of control over this is driving me mad.
 
What is your therapists modality? Has she laid out a plan of attack? I think that a talk with your therapist is in order. Can she tell you how she is proceeding with your treatment? Does she have a treatment plan?

Unfortunately a LOT of therapists say they "do" trauma, but this doesn't really make them a true trauma therapist who knows how to treat PTSD.
 
I feel the same way as you and was just thinking about this today. One session we will talk about something deep and meaningful and like hit an insight of some sort but then its not brought up the next session and we bounce to a totally different issue/subject I feel like. Like you, I am not a big talker and feel like I cant bring these things up again, like I feel like I have no direction in T and is it all kind of driven by what I want to talk about but I don't know where to go...I feel like I am just going in circles so yes I totally can relate.
 
As above I also feel like I am going in circles in therapy. an hour session is not enough time. We will start a topic, run out of time and then next week something will have happened during my week I want to talk about so we jump to that. I feel like we are jumping all over the place and never finish any topic off.
 
Thank you for your responses. It is helpful knowing I'm not alone in this.

My T laid out the plan of attack when we started and does check-in every few weeks to see where we are at. For example when checking-in I might mention distress about past coping skills (defense mechanisms) being less effective and T will comment it means we're on the right track. T offers other healthy coping skills and discusses them at length. As far as modality it is TRT. Also does EMDR and brainspotting but I'm not game to try either right now. T came highly recommended and I find myself comfortable in the space. Perhaps I'm in to big of a hurry to be done and it is making me anxious and doubtful. ED therapy was a lot of CBT work and there was a clear path. Not feeling that now and maybe it's my own feelings of not having control over direction.

I know I should just ask, express my thoughts etc. Maybe one day I'll gather the courage.
 
good to know its not just me, i think my therapist is great and i enjoy going but i do feel often like I'm wasting my time... i am not sure exactly what i am getting out of it....other than a way to keep myself sane
 
Hi
I like you have anorexia and funnily enough entered therapy to recover from it however I was also abused (CSA) for years. My sessions with my T are actually focussed on the abuse as she thinks that I have anorexia because of it and so if we deal with the abuse I will no longer feel the need starve myself as a survival mechanism. Although unfortunatly anorexia is more complex and their are multiple reasons behind why we starve ourselves and it's doesn't addresses the whole low bmi situation BUT it's a good place to start and has the potential to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I'm not sure if i have helped, hope your well x
 
i am not sure exactly what i am getting out of it....other than a way to keep myself sane
For many people, this is sufficient.

You don't have PTSD; but do you have a specific set of symptoms you want to address, or events from your life you want to talk through?

I have a rough target for the 'end' of therapy; I'm not sure what I'll need in terms of maintenance, whether I can leave it be until there's a reason to need help or if I'd be better off with a semi-regular sort of 'check in' appt.

But that's the way I think of transitioning out of weekly therapy.
 
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