ThePhoenix
New Here
I have spent many years in therapy addressing anorexia. I have a history of CSA but have always refused to address it. Fast forward to now...I've been in recovery from anorexia for many many years. At the start of the new year I began to experience some old eating disorder thoughts. Life was/is stable. I feel secure,so I was knocked off my feet when old thoughts/patterns came up. At the same time past defense mechanisms that have "helped" me cope with memories, nightmare, intrusive thoughts became less effective. I decided it was probably time to address my trauma. I asked around and was eventually referred to a trauma/eating disorder specialist. I felt a positive connection and have been seeing the T for a few months now.
The problem? I don't know what is going on in therapy. When I started seeing the T I entered with pretty solid coping and self care skills. We spent some time on reviewing coping skills making sure the stability was there etc. then started to visit some of my past. One session we will touch on an incident and then spend a session or two talking about PTSD, mindfulness what have you. Then we might talk a session about a totally different trauma then the one we started to address before.
A month ago the T asked if I could share the trauma memories that bother me the most. Verbally I was not able to (grrrr) so T asked if I could write them. I was able to do that however I didn't share (T didn't ask). We discussed how writing made me feel and for the first time ever I actually expressed feelings I've never voiced out loud. We've not ever revisited those feelings. Fast forward to now..Often I feel like I'm in a theory class. I sometimes find myself reminding the T I get it, it's something I practice in my own workplace.
I admit I'm not one to embrace feelings. My avoidance with the bigger, scary ones is strong.
I guess I find myself wondering when I'm going to start to feel better. Why do we skip around so much? Is this "normal" in trauma therapy?
Every month or so we check in on where I see progress and where T sees progress. Most importantly for me eating disorder thoughts have decreased although oddly enough we don't actually talking about eating issues aside from very brief check-ins with behaviors (I didn't actually relapse so no behaviors just thoughts). I wonder though when am I going to feel better? When will the intrusive thoughts the flashbacks etc stop. We dip our toes into trauma waters but then retreat. I know I should ask the T this stuff but I can't. I'm not a big talker. In therapy I've had a few sessions where I check out for brief periods but have managed to ground myself. Is this why we are going so painfully slow? Am I wasting time in therapy? Am I not as ready as I thought I was? I'm frustrated! Maybe more with myself then the T or therapy. It's like my inside self is raging to be free but my intellectual self is pushing back. Is this normal? I had some illusion I'd be in and out of therapy in 20 sessions tops. I long to feel whole and complete have some internal peace. I just don't have any idea where therapy is going and the lack of control over this is driving me mad.
The problem? I don't know what is going on in therapy. When I started seeing the T I entered with pretty solid coping and self care skills. We spent some time on reviewing coping skills making sure the stability was there etc. then started to visit some of my past. One session we will touch on an incident and then spend a session or two talking about PTSD, mindfulness what have you. Then we might talk a session about a totally different trauma then the one we started to address before.
A month ago the T asked if I could share the trauma memories that bother me the most. Verbally I was not able to (grrrr) so T asked if I could write them. I was able to do that however I didn't share (T didn't ask). We discussed how writing made me feel and for the first time ever I actually expressed feelings I've never voiced out loud. We've not ever revisited those feelings. Fast forward to now..Often I feel like I'm in a theory class. I sometimes find myself reminding the T I get it, it's something I practice in my own workplace.
I admit I'm not one to embrace feelings. My avoidance with the bigger, scary ones is strong.
I guess I find myself wondering when I'm going to start to feel better. Why do we skip around so much? Is this "normal" in trauma therapy?
Every month or so we check in on where I see progress and where T sees progress. Most importantly for me eating disorder thoughts have decreased although oddly enough we don't actually talking about eating issues aside from very brief check-ins with behaviors (I didn't actually relapse so no behaviors just thoughts). I wonder though when am I going to feel better? When will the intrusive thoughts the flashbacks etc stop. We dip our toes into trauma waters but then retreat. I know I should ask the T this stuff but I can't. I'm not a big talker. In therapy I've had a few sessions where I check out for brief periods but have managed to ground myself. Is this why we are going so painfully slow? Am I wasting time in therapy? Am I not as ready as I thought I was? I'm frustrated! Maybe more with myself then the T or therapy. It's like my inside self is raging to be free but my intellectual self is pushing back. Is this normal? I had some illusion I'd be in and out of therapy in 20 sessions tops. I long to feel whole and complete have some internal peace. I just don't have any idea where therapy is going and the lack of control over this is driving me mad.