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Poll Where Do You Find A Sense Of Belonging?

Where do you find a sense of belonging?


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what exactly does it mean, 'belonging'? ...perhaps it is, or has to entail something more than similarities in beliefs, or goals, or ideologies, or even interests or similarities (eg having ptsd/the forum)? Rather, along with any of those being a starting point, I would guess it would have to include (at the very least) 'belonging' to a group or with others that one senses has each other's back, genuinely cares for or likes and respects/ values/ welcomes one another, and chooses that of their free will (not because of obligation or requirement

@Junebug, I think this is spot on, really.

And I guess 'understanding' one another to a degree, or afinity, or at least acceptance

Yep, this too.

As per a sense of belonging to 'a' workplace, (versus a 'specific' workplace), as you mentioned , perhaps that sense of belonging equates also to validation of your own self-esteem, self-worth, or +/ or contribution and accomplishment?

Yes, that's definitely part of it. And I think belonging to anything probably validates those things, actually.

PS, congratulations on the new job! )

Thank you!

I think you've given an extremely good definition. At the same time there's something about using so many words to describe a feeling, that perhaps results in the feeling itself getting a bit lost. A kind of distance between understanding it intellectually (ie analysing) and understanding it as an experience (knowing, sensing, feeling).

And that made me think that for me belonging includes a feeling that there isn't a distance... in this case, between me and other people.

I feel other things about belonging too:

That I'm part of something and it's part of me/my life.

That it matters to me and I matter to it (the people/situation/organisation).

That there's a place for me there even when I'm not there. I see this as different from people being willing to move and make room for me when I arrive - where I belong there's always a Hashi-shaped space.

This doesn't have to be in a big way, it can all be quite small. Like if I can't make a book group meeting and next time people remember that and tell me something that was discussed that they think I would have been interested in.
 
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Sorry Hashi. It seems it fell flat or I was misguided! I did it impulsively thinking in my mind that if someone said it to me it would create some clarity of underlying thoughts about belonging or not. Dig up all hidden reactions to the concept as well as obvious ones.

I think I am!
So according to my crazy little thinking here, if that is the case and you just thought, "that is wrong" then this would be all that was going on,
you just thought it was wrong with no real emotion
And that you don't have a lot of judgements about belonging or not. Hope that makes some sense.

I really like some of your and Junebugs last thoughts about this topic. I will have to do some thinking and re evaluating.
 
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I totally agree, @Hashi . Without quoting what you said (I should ) I feel your definition is true and accurate. I don't think it is something that can be intellectualized, or doing so is cold and sterile and to me almost like trying to convince one's self (unsuccessfully). Other than awareness of (overcoming) anxiety or emotional flashbacks etc that are complicating things, if it takes all that it probably will never happen in whatever prescribed circumstance. :( Perhaps the 'feeling' or 'being' = belonging. If that makes sense. As someone else described elsewhere, not having to defend your presence. Except the opposite end of the spectrum.

Oye. I don't explain myself well. But you did. :hug:
 
@Pietro,
I don't see myself as connecting with anyone here. I see black and white stories on a screen that I comment on based on my own experiences, but I haven't connected personally with anyone here on the forum. Outside of PTSD, nobody knows me, nor do I know anybody.

@Abstract,
I fear being alone simply because I don't have the financial resources to support myself. I am most likely facing homelessness within the next few years. I have only two real options, neither of which are exactly socially acceptable.
 
I feel like belonging comes from within. It's when you stop questioning your right to exist in certain spaces and places/the world, when you believe that you're allowed to be who and what and where you are. I also think it's pretty high up on the hierarchy of needs in the sense that if you're struggling to meet basic needs of food, shelter and safety, this isn't even going to be on your radar or it just feels like you don't belong.

Solara - what do you mean by personal connections? You read black and white stories on a screen, sure, but your responses come from the way you connect those stories to your own personal experiences. You may not call these people and invite them over for tea, but are you sure there's no personal connection at all? If you just wanted black and white stories about PTSD, you could read articles, but you chose a forum with interaction and I would suggest that it's because you do want some (limited) connection and interaction with other people.
 
I feel like belonging comes from within. It's when you stop questioning your right to exist in certain spaces and places/the world, when you believe that you're allowed to be who and what and where you are.

I'm curious. Do you think there's also an aspect of having to want to exist in certain spaces and places/the world? Do you take it for granted that there are some spaces you want to exist in, or do you feel it isn't a factor?

For me, belonging is always two-way.

I can understand what people are saying about belonging coming from within. I just don't relate to that for myself. I can be my authentic self, but unless I can find a place/space that I even want to be in there's no feeling of belonging.

I externalise things a lot. I don't like the world and I struggle to want to be in it. It's not a feeling that I don't have a right to be in it, or can't be myself, it's that I think it isn't worthwhile and I want no part in it. In that sense, I think I don't belong to the world or most spaces in it.

I'm actually able to fit in almost everywhere I go. I make friends easily, I get on with people, I'm able to connect quickly. I don't claim that as anything wonderful about me. It's the personality I was born with - how the cards were dealt, and some of the cards at least seem to have been in my favour. Plus I worked hard to develop those aspects of my personality because of the way my childhood was and what I saw as necessary to escape it and remain independent.

Being accepted, and knowing that I'm accepted, on its own doesn't make me feel like I belong. It's only when that goes in both directions that I can feel belonging, and it rarely goes in both directions. Mostly, I'm alienated because I do the rejecting. I feel the world isn't worth belonging to.
 
@Abstract, I'm so sorry but my swiss cheese brain is still not getting what you mean about not as different as I think I am. I'm afraid I think you'd have to explain it with a lot more words, and an example or two. I'm sorry! Or maybe it's always going to be beyond the holes in my brain. :oops:
 
The moments, in retrospect, that I feel a sense of belonging in the world are moments when it's not even a question of belonging or wanting to belong. Those glorious moments are the moments when I stop questioning, doubting or defending my right to exist in the world, when I feel safe, when I feel like I have the right to my own existence. Not as a particular being who behaves in a particular way, but as a life that keeps unfolding. For me, it's not about being accepted by or accepting a group of individuals - that has never provided me with a secure, stable, lasting sense of belonging because it feels like that's always dependent on my being particular ways (or on other people's being particular ways). To some extent, it's about meeting other people's wants, needs and expectations (or their meeting ours), and I can do and have done that and in a sense, I "belonged" to the group in question, but my sense of belonging wasn't there and/or that belonging was somehow painful or inadequate and I rejected the group. When my foundation is that I am okay exactly as I am and that I am allowed to be all the things that I am, to think and feel all the ways that I do, my sense of belonging reaches beyond but can encompass those smaller communities. I feel safe, but it's not so much about other people's actions or inactions so much as my self-trust and -belief.

Perhaps it's just me, but I think for those of us who've experienced trauma and have PTSD, that trauma and PTSD colours the whole world. The world itself feels unsafe in such a fundamental way and it's hard to believe that it could ever be any different. That the world might not be quite as terrifying as we've learned that it is feels like absolute bullshit. Especially since trauma seems like a snowball rolling down a hill, always gathering more trauma. We know these things to be true: danger lurks everywhere, we must always be on guard, we can't rest or relax because if we do.... But I'm no longer as sure as I was that these things are as true as I thought they were. It's not that I think the world is comprised exclusively of sunshine and kittens, but I think my experiences of the world definitely highlighted every bad thing and every possibly bad thing in a way that made life feel more dangerous and that made me feel infinitely more helpless. And somehow feeling constantly endangered and helpless contributed to my being endangered and helpless.

When you say you don't want to belong in the world, why is that? Is it life itself you're rejecting or particular instantiations? Is the world itself awful or is it just what people do? Is your authentic self the person who makes connections and friends easily? If not, why not? Do you not let your authentic self reign free because of the consequences? If belonging is a two-way street of acceptance, what happens if the other removes their acceptance or you remove yours? Do you stop having the right to exist in the world exactly as you are? Do you ever have the right to exist in the world exactly as you are? Do you need other people's acceptance or approval? Why or why not?

When you say you don't want to be in the world, is that entirely true? (I hope it's clear that these are just open, direct questions and there's no passive aggressiveness or spitefulness lurking.) Most of us have contemplated suicide, but we're still here. Isn't that because we see some value in the world, even with all the pain and trauma? What do you want the/your world to be? Can you imagine a world that you would want to live in? Do you need other people to approve or accept your vision? Are there ways you can enact your visions/wants?

In those moments of belonging, where I give myself room to be me (and maybe that right there is my sense of belonging - I give myself room), I feel safe, and somehow that feeling/attitude and the actions that correspond to it, make me more safe. It's not like everything is magically better, but it hurts less and I can navigate and breathe just a little bit easier. At those moments, life/the world is just neutral.

My brain is getting a little mushy now and I'm not entirely certain that I've really answered your questions @Hashi, but I did try (in a long and roundabout fashion).
 
When you say you don't want to be in the world, is that entirely true? (I hope it's clear that these are just open, direct questions and there's no passive aggressiveness or spitefulness lurking.) Most of us have contemplated suicide, but we're still here. Isn't that because we see some value in the world, even with all the pain and trauma?

It's a very reasonable question. In my case, unfortunately I'm not still here because I see some value in the world. I actually died during trauma and came back, and I had a near death experience that was literally hellish. No light, no nice person greeting me, just evil and horror beyond anything I'd experienced while alive. I worry that it's still waiting for me when I die finally. I've worked on this a lot and have to hope that it won't be. But I couldn't kill myself and risk bringing that about myself.

Sadly, that's my reason - the fear of a terrible after-death. I see no fundamental value in the world. Nothing that can happen now could make up for what's happened already. The good in the world can never make up for the bad. The world operates within a universal system that I don't like, and no change is going to affect that. I simply have to accept it. I won't say any more about my world/universal view and why I still work on healing - in fact why I believe in healing. That's a whole other topic. What's relevant here is that I reject far more than I feel rejected. It's not that the world feels unsafe, it's that I have little interest in it.

Which is probably why I can't relate to a feeling of belonging within, only a belonging where I can find a small pocket of something OK and fit myself to that. I really don't want to be here. I'm just trying to make the best of it.

I appreciate you explaining, because it does help me understand this feeling in others.
 
I have never had a sense that I belong anywhere. Maybe it was because of the trauma, the unconscious knowing that I was supposed to die from the first memory I have of my life. Maybe it was from being moved from school to school, from city to city and province to province my whole childhood. Maybe it was the way that moving also separated me from any extended family I have. Maybe it was my ex-husband always referring to our home as HIS home, HIS farm, HIS family. My siblings had most of that too and we are scattered all across the country (Canada is a big country) and we don't contact each other. They didn't go through what happened to me, they don't know what happened to me, my parents don't know all of what happened to me. I come online and I post, I contribute, I get support but I don't really have a sense that I even belong here. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't feel like I belong here when I log in as soon as I get home and don't log out until I go to bed. I hate admitting that because I know it isn't true and I still feel it. If I didn't post another thing no one would even notice or care if I was gone. It is the same in the rest of my life, if I was gone no one would notice, just like when I was 5.
 
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