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Poll Where Do You Find A Sense Of Belonging?

Where do you find a sense of belonging?


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I checked Other and that I don't have a sense of belonging. There is one friend I have who is able to get through to me and who I am able to feel. Everyone else seems a million miles away and that I am literally just hovering over them and not a part of this life. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My chaos in my head keeps me isolated and makes me feel like I don't belong. I drive around or will go about daily business looking at people like they are foreign or alien. I don't feel connected in any way. In some ways it is scary, but in others it is comforting because then I don't have to deal with any of them.

My one friend is the only connection some days I feel I have with life here and he has been my lifeline on so many occasions.
 
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I think @Venusian hit the nail on the head.

I don't connect with people via black and white text. It's far too easy to read too much into words, think there is meaning where there is none, or to simply imagine feelings. I've been burned before----when I was a teenager. No longer get attached to anyone I meet online, in any fashion. Sadly, I can't say the same for those who meet me. You can't connect with me when you don't know me. It's imagined connection, superficial at best. I simply don't see true connection with someone you only know by text.
 
Solara, do you see the flesh and blood and feeling people beyond the screen when you interact? Like me sitting in person behind my computer in my living just as you are sitting behind your computer. Hearts pumping. Or do you cut that part out? I'm not discounting or questioning what you said and am rather just broadening on it.
 
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A sense of belonging requires a need for validation. I don't need it. I prefer to be alone. I believe it stems from my fiercely independent nature developed in early childhood. It's safe! I love safe. I need safe. My sense of belonging comes from within. It's my greatest peace. I also enjoy going out and being around people. Need it? No way.
 
I believe it stems from my fiercely independent nature developed in early childhood. It's safe! I love safe. I need safe. My sense of belonging comes from within. It's my greatest peace. I also enjoy going out and being around people. Need it? No way.

Wow that is impressive. I wish I felt safe with myself.
 
Peace comes from within. You can have great peace despite enduring abuse. Having flashbacks in public...yeah Im going to stay home until I learn better grounding skills. :) It was much more manageable before this last round of memories. There is great peace knowing I stood up to a pack of wolves and saved my sanity.
 
Inside Out vs. Outside In
I think that there is a spectrum of personal identification, which can be described as Inside Out vs Outside In.

Modern western culture seems to overly promote an Inside Out approach to life, using the outside world as an expression of the inside world. So in the context of belonging, it's about searching and creating an outside world that mirrors our inside world, then we feel like we belong.

Traditional Asian eastern cultures and maybe older cultures in general were more Outside In biased. People start with looking at the outside world, where they fit into family, work, neighborhood, society, from that external orientation and shape their inner identity and secondarily and eventually may discover their inner self, desires, wants, and unique expression.

I grew up within traditional Chinese culture, and one aspect is that there was little importance placed on 'sense of belonging', simply by looking at where you fit in the bigger structure of family, community, culture, society, that's where you belong. Big family (extended) structure was placed above personal expression. While modern society is now more focused on small family (nuclear) where individual wants and needs are higher than bigger family or community.

Isolation
With a society that is more individual, inside out, or small family focused, trauma survivors often times get isolated or banished from society. Out of sight out of mind. Same thing is happening with senior citizens and other minorities who have limited social voice.

Trauma by definition is a experience that completely overwhelms a person's ability to cope. Without our coping strategies, we are literally isolated and alone with intense raw emotions; and unable to process, integrate, or manage them. That alone is very difficult to endure, but society and ourselves add a secondary wounding of banishment, abandonment, social isolation, which can also bring up these feelings of 'lack of belonging.'

When others just can't relate to your trauma (or don't want to), they dismiss it, attack it (get over it), dissociate (get overwhelmed by not being able to fully grasp your story), or you simply don't connect with them. This is immensely uncomfortable & isolating, to try to share a vulnerable personal story, and not be heard, recognized or accepted. Essentially it's a subtle form of out right rejection. So many trauma survivors self-isolate as a protective measure.

I had the toughest time with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. It was already tough enough trying to share parts of my story because I was revisiting those traumatic energies, but wow, it felt so isolating to watch another person's eyes glass over because they were getting overwhelmed. Not only was it isolating, I also felt bad for sharing my story because I felt it was traumatizing them. Adding on more feelings of helplessness and hopelessness on top of the added isolation.

Trust
So it's very natural for for PTSD survivors to have trust issues, it's also very easy to look at trust in black & white terms. When our coping strategies fail and we're helpless to a nervous system that feels like it's out of control. We very easily can come to the conclusion that we don't trust our emotions, we don't trust our body, we don't trust our mind, we don't trust our humanity, we don't trust our 'Self'. This abandonment of trust of our inner world, naturally creates a distrust of the outer world, other people, society, etc.

Without trust, how can there be any sense of belonging?

But trust needs to be earned and proven. It's not simply black & white, it's gray area with many levels. Trust is built up over time; with exposure, experience and proven history.

Inner trust also needs to be rediscovered, reconnected, and rebuilt.

The older failed societal coping strategies might need to be revisited, modified and adapted to better match our reality, personal limits, and integrate all our past experiences. Then those coping strategies need to be battle tested in real life situations, for us to gain confidence and trust. After that, we can drop some of those emergency, instinctual, Limbic, monkey mind, fight/flight/freeze, pure survival coping strategies (ie. dissociation, avoidance, numbing, distraction, suicidal ideation, addictions, etc). One of the greatest survival strategies is our ability to adapt, learning how to discover, use and trust it; can develop amazing levels of resilience.

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btw.

I really appreciate this discussion topic and thread, learned a lot from it, great to read so many different views. I hope what I wrote doesn't come across as too patronizing, it's part of my way of internally summarizing and to develop the big picture.
 
So it's very natural for for PTSD survivors to have trust issues, it's also very easy to look at trust in black & white terms. When our coping strategies fail and we're helpless to a nervous system that feels like it's out of control. We very easily can come to the conclusion that we don't trust our emotions, we don't trust our body, we don't trust our mind, we don't trust our humanity, we don't trust our 'Self'. This abandonment of trust of our inner world, naturally creates a distrust of the outer world, other people, society, etc. Without trust, how can there be any sense of belonging? But trust needs to be earned and proven. It's not simply black & white, it's gray area with many levels. Trust is built up over time; with exposure, experience and proven history.


This made SO much sense!!!! Thank you.
 
When others just can't relate to your trauma (or don't want to), they dismiss it, attack it (get over it), dissociate (get overwhelmed by not being able to fully grasp your story), or you simply don't connect with them. This is immensely uncomfortable & isolating, to try to share a vulnerable personal story, and not be heard, recognized or accepted. Essentially it's a subtle form of out right rejection. So many trauma survivors self-isolate as a protective measure. I had the toughest time with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. It was already tough enough trying to share parts of my story because I was revisiting those traumatic energies, but wow, it felt so isolating to watch another person's eyes glass over because they were getting overwhelmed. Not only was it isolating, I also felt bad for sharing my story because I felt it was traumatizing them. Adding on more feelings of helplessness and hopelessness on top of the added isolation.

You cannot connect with others if they don't understand your journey. Hence,you really don't "belong" anywhere. Everyone enjoys the company of like mindedness. It's how we connect. Trauma survivors process life in a much different way than the non traumatized.

There are many ways to view it too. So many walls to tear down. There's a taboo against discussing abuse. If you're brave enough to share you end up misunderstood. You can see the fear in their eyes and they never look at you the same. Why bother? Regardless,I still love people and one of these days I'll run into someone who "gets me." First I have to knock my walls down. Oh my..what a cycle......
 
Thanks @Valentino , you are right about trauma and trust, and not being able to trust one's inner world (sometimes, because of symptoms and memories and abuse repercussions, and/ or fighting my own brain, confusion, anxiety, hopelessness), or (and as you said often by consequence) outer world. ie. I don't belong in my own skin, frequently, nor what feels like the 'planet', let alone environment.

So I guess I would refine my answer to say "where I can be me. And where being 'me' is not a negative-hopefully somewhat positive- in the bigger picture."
 
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