• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Why Are Intimate Relationships So Scary To Ptsd Sufferers

Status
Not open for further replies.

Foxtrot

Learning
A couple of questions I'd love to have some thoughts on

1) Why are intimate relationships, good, caring relationships, so scary to PTSD sufferers? Particularly specific to women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men from the father on up?

2) When the PTSD sufferer goes into isolation mode; ie, pushed her loved one away, what are some thoughts on how to respond and for the PTSD sufferer is there an "oh my land, what am I doing" a-ha moment wherein the come back?

I know these are hugely general questions . . . but wondering what some of the experiences out there are.
 
1) Trust issues affect intimacy for me. Some things that occur during physical intimacy cause memories of trauma and it can be hard at times to tamp them back down and stay in the present. Let alone enjoy it. For a long time I "thought" I was being intimate with my spouse. But in counseling what I was doing was some controling and I didn't know how to partner or how to be a safe partner with someone. I'm learning as I go... through the years we've both learned. He's a product of neglect and has his issues too... so we do the best we can and are quick to forgive when frustration or tempers flare. (This is the short version)

2. I didn't have an "ah ha" moment about my isolation tendency until I became totally cut off from the world except for my spouse. But even then to avoid the shame and frustration, I flipped my days and nights so I would be up when he slept and awake when he was gone. It was pretty messed up. Now though, as I'm reintegrated back to my mother, my church, a couple friends and my church, even a gym... I notice when I start string up days where I cancel plans more than once, or stop going to the gym, or ditch church on Sunday. I set commitments for myself each week and to my best to meet them and walk through what I've got even when I sometimes would rather not. I'm more afraid of going back into isolating than I am of the risk that I take when I talk with people, go places, and feel anxious. I push myself with challenges, and when I find a stressor, I put myself in it more so I can over come it and desensitize. The first time I went to a party, I camped out in the kitchen and helped the hostess clear the clutter and serve.... it was the best I could do. Now I can actually sit at a table of strangers and though stressed be reasonably open to conversations.
 
I don't think so Foxtrot, I think they're great questions, I'd like to give it a shot! :)

1) Why are intimate relationships, good, caring relationships, so scary to PTSD sufferers? Particularly specific to women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men from the father on up?

Well, My theory is, is that you won't know a good caring relationship when you see one. When your stuck in a cycle you become accustom to a certain type of behavior. When you meet people who veer from that path it is frightening and confusing. Some people feel that they deserve a bad relationship. When it's drilled into your mind that you're a worthless human being you'll go searching for people who treat you that way because well, that's what's comfortable as odd as it sounds. There is also the issue of abandonment, when something is good or ‘healthy’ it’s possible that some view this as too good. There are so many variables that lead to a seemingly "good" relationship with a good person going very badly. Just because it's good at the start doesn't mean it will stay that way. I think this reasoning leads a lot of people to jump ship while the getting is good. Past relationships harbor jealousy, resentment and suspicion for a lot of suffers and people in general if you think about. :confused:

2) When the PTSD sufferer goes into isolation mode; ie, pushed her loved one away, what are some thoughts on how to respond and for the PTSD sufferer is there an "oh my land, what am I doing" a-ha moment wherein the come back?

In my opinion, it takes time, patience and space. When I enter in to a relationship of any kind I make it very clear that I’m not an easy person. I'm not an easy person to get along with and more then likely I'm going to make things more complicated then they have to be. Most people wave off my little speech until they start to pull their hair out-suddenly my prologue starts to make a whole lot of sense. It's important that you show them that you care without smothering them IMO. Abandonment is a big deal for a lot of women in particular who deal with Ptsd. Letting them know that you will do the best that you can to be there; is a grand gesture without making any grandiose statements you can't keep. I think this is important.

Okay, So I wasn't quite sure what you meant by the A-ha moment wherein the comeback, but I'm interpreting it as " is there any point in time that someone with PTSD will stop to think- my heavens what have done? It's possible, I can't speak for everyone but I’m sure a lot of us have that a-ha moment at least 100 times every 4 hours or so.:laugh: It's hard to see what you're doing to the people around you when you’re doing it. I think the lot of us are just trying to keep our selves as protected as possible even if that means letting a good thing go.

I hope I provided a little insight for you!
 
So Squeak, are you saying that if she pushes me away saying she wants to end the relationship and I relent, then it will feel like I abandoned her, even though she asked to end the relationship?
 
Meaning, that perhaps I should stay (as long as I feel it is healthy to me to do so) and time, patience and space will rule the day?
 
Sqweak, well put. I'll give this a go.
1) Why are intimate relationships, good, caring relationships, so scary to PTSD sufferers? Particularly specific to women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men from the father on up?
I think I start out a lot of good relationships by thinking, "Oh, God, I'm going to ruin all of this soon, so why am I even doing this?" simultaneously with the thought, "This isn't really that great. He will hurt me soon enough." I think the idea that I'm worthless unless I am always the exact picture of pleasurable to the person at hand along with the assumption that all en are waiting for the perfect moment to hurt me has a lot to do with this problem. What Albatross said about resentment, jealousy, and fear of abandonment was spot-on, but I would add that if nothing goes terribly wrong within a reasonably long time, I start to find evidence in my paranoia in the idea that 'he' (whoever he is) was great before me to somebody and he will be after me to someone else.

2) When the PTSD sufferer goes into isolation mode; ie, pushed her loved one away, what are some thoughts on how to respond and for the PTSD sufferer is there an "oh my land, what am I doing" a-ha moment wherein they come back?


All the time, but too often too late for the situation. Revelation also often comes in strange packages. I don't understand how I am being unreasonable, sometimes for long stretches (weeks, months), and then something really odd, off-handed, random happens and suddenly I think, "Oh man, what the hell have I been doing? Who am I?" Unfortunately, in these moments I typically have a total crisis of character and demonize myself for a long time afterward. Really must get better at that.

Good luck.
 
So Squeak, are you saying that if she pushes me away saying she wants to end the relationship and I relent, then it will feel like I abandoned her, even though she asked to end the relationship?

Oh, no I'm sorry. You hadn't mentioned this in your earlier post. I can't tell you how she may feel, as I don't know her personally, It's possible she may feel abandoned though she was the one who pushed you away. I know some people treat others like mind readers; I had a bad habit of doing this very thing. When you expect people to know what you're really thinking so like magic they’ll pop in and save you. So when that doesn't happen it upsets you [the suffer]. She could be saying one thing and yet feel something completely different. I think the best thing you can do is try to talk to her- listening for something that could give you an idea of what's going on in side of her cranium. It's hard to really say what you're thinking you know?

I don't know about rule the day, but it's better then yelling and saying painful things in the heat of the moment. Which happens when you're frustrated- especially with such a delicate predicament you're currently faced with.

IMO (because that's really all I can give) I know how important relationships are intellectually, but if you're starting to feel like you're loosing it you have to do what's best for you. The only way to help someone who is dealing with a lot emotionally is by making sure you; yourself can handle it (if that makes any sense, and I hope it does).

Best of luck to you
 
Thanks everyone. I appreciate this much. Very helpful and also I think very big gesture revealing yourselves here. It's the weirdest thing, but I absolutely feel centered in my heart/soul that I need to hang in there. So far, I've responded to the pushing away only with love, compassion and strength. As soon as I feel totally off center I'll know I need to retreat or find another path.
 
@Foxtrot

Well done! I think compassion is so important and there are a lot of people who can't stick around when faced with something like this so bravo. Keep us updated. :)
 
Foxtrot,

I don't find relationships to be scary per say. I agree with Albatross that it can be hard to distinguish between what happened and the present. Intimacy can be difficult as a thought will pop in my head and I feel disgusted. All I want is to be left alone at the point.

My problem is more that the PTSD is so draining that I just don't have the energy to put into my relationships like I used to. Here I am..worried all day or panicking or trying to stop all these thoughts. Then you come home and all you want to do is be left alone.

Does that mean I would want my BF to leave me? No way. It is also difficult to feel love. It's hard to explain. I know I love him. I know I loved him before. I just don't feel it. There are these moments where he will make me laugh and I get that flash of emotion. It's always fleeting though.

As for the "a-ha" moment. I am well aware that I am isolating myself. I am doing it because I am exhausted and because it is hard for me to feel.

It helps me when my BF plans stuff to take my mind off of things. Even when I don't want to go...I force myself. Most times..I am surprised because I end up having a good time.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top