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Why can't i remember?

Bush79

New Here
It's really annoying that I can't remember what actually drove me over the edge. All I can remember is breaking down in the office of my shop and the next thing I was in a base hospital (mental ward) 3 states away. This was a long time ago, around 1980 or so. I got out of the service and was at the VA for a long time after trying to kill myself (obviously failed). I slowly got better and sort of went on with my life, got a job, got married, had a kid. Then a few years ago something rekindled the demons inside me and I started having flashbacks, nightmares, sleep problems, withdrawal, hyper-vigilance, crying, you name it.... But I keep flashing back to the one instant when I snapped, but can't remember WHY DAMMIT. I know there was intense fear but can't remember what caused it. It was obviously significant enough that I was declared unfit for duty and discharged from the service. The VA is treating me for Major Depression but I just can't remember. It's driving me crazy (pun?). Only the image of what happened just before I broke down is stuck in my head and I see it night and day. I fear it's going to kill me...
 
Urrgghhh that's really awful. I'd like to say, it'll get better, but I really don't know. There are various therapies designed for this specific area, however your mind blocked it out for a reason.

I'm also trying (unsuccessfully) to recall some missing time. I find it very frustrating.
 
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