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Why did i get back in touch with my abusive ex?

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Because the shit he used to put me through has started up again. No physical or sexual abuse so far but plenty of mental and emotional and financial abuse. We were apart for 2.5 months then 7 weeks ago I contacted him to apologise for the crazy shit I had falsely accused him of and to ask him to forgive me. For the first 4 weeks things were OK and he was on his best behaviour. But over the last 3 weeks his behaviour has slowly deteriorated towards me.

He has kept up a constant barrage of put downs and criticisms name calling and blaming me for his own short comings. Nothing I do or say is right in his eyes. He complains about everything. Last week he even complained when we were in bed together because I didn't like how he was touching me during sex and he gave me so much grief for it but I ended up taking the blame on myself and making excuses for him.

It was his birthday weekend as well and 2 nights later we were preparing dinner and he just served his own up and left me to deal with everything else. This was after I had cooked it all. I made what I think was a fairly innocuous remark and my bloke went into one at me. I backed down yet again and we both ate our dinner and he went to sleep straight after. He woke up later in another foul mood and I'm afraid I snapped. This time he ended up screaming at me that he hated me so I asked him to go home then he turned round and said 'you wouldn't make me go home at this time of night would you, it's gone 10pm'. So he guilt tripped me and it was easier for me to let him stay than make an issue of it.

The next morning he acted like nothing had happened the day before. He didn't even apologise for being such an arsehole. I had to go over to his place with him to collect my laundry since he does it for me since I don't have a washing machine at home. I decided to stay for a few hours but when I said it was time for me to leave he tried to persuade me to stay another hour and when I said no he got humpy with me again. So I went home and within minutes of getting indoors my bloke is on the blower to me having yet another go at me. I hung up on him and put my phone on silent and ignored his further calls that night.

The next morning he's calling me again demanding to know why I didn't get back to him the night before. I lied to him and said I was so tired after the weekend and eating my dinner when I got home from his the previous evening that I'd fallen asleep and I had left my phone downstairs so I didn't hear it ringing. He then falsely accused me of having another bloke over mine when I got home the night before, the same bloke who had also severely abused me, the one I saw in the pub last week who was really nasty to me again and had triggered me. I'm like 'why would I do that when he's hurt me so badly? Have you got a f*cking screw loose or something because you're behaving like a f*cking nutter'. Well that went down like a lead balloon and I ended up hanging up on him again.

That night he rang me after work and for once he was apologetic and contrite. We agreed that I would go over to his the next day and I could do some more washing. I also agreed to lend him some more money and to lend him 2 packs of tobacco. I had already lent my bloke 50 quid the week before and spent over a 100 quid on making his birthday nice with plenty of good food including an Indian takeaway and steak and jackets wine with dinner presents paying for his bets on the horses Saturday etc. Well I went over there Tuesday (3 days ago) and lo and behold he starts again with the verbal and emotional abuse.

This time I'm falsely accused of being not liking the same things as he does as if that's some kind of crime or offence and then he says he's not getting what he wants out of our relationship and wants more than what I'm already giving him. He kept nit picking at me and pushed me so far that in the end I snapped again. I was so frustrated I threw my spectacles half way across his living room and I'm lucky I didn't break them. He left off me at this point and starts apologising again. At this point I decided to leave and then he gets grumpy again because I'm leaving 'too early'. It seems I just can't bloody win with this bloke.

I've caught the bus home during which he's constantly ringing me on my mobile and leaving horrible voice mails. Once again I've ignored it. Wednesday night when he finished work he's all nice again to me and apparently sorry again. By this time my head is in an utter whirl and I'm feeling worn out and broken down. And thinking my bloke is like Jekyll and Hyde and I never know which side of him I'm going to get.

So yesterday it all came to a head when he rang me last night to complain that I'd given him too much washing to do and that he couldn't get it all dried in time before the laundry room in his place was closed for the night so he'd had to put the damp stuff on the radiator in his living room. And that's my fault apparently. Well that's the last straw for me.

And I told him loud and clear that I've finally had enough of him hectoring and bullying me and if he doesn't buck his ideas up we're finished again. But no it's me at fault according to him and then he mentions that other bloke again and I'm the one causing problems because I want an excuse to end our relationship and get together with that other arsehole bloke again. Yeah right!!!

So this time I did even answer him I just switched my phone off and went to bed in floods of tears yet again. I woke up this morning to find half a dozen texts on my phone all abusive and nasty. He called me 10 minutes ago and he's still not backing down about how rotten he's been treating me again so I've finished with him. I'm collecting my washing tomorrow and he says he's going to pay me back the money I've lent him this Tuesday when he gets paid. I don't hold out much hope of that to be honest and frankly I'm past caring about the money and I'm prepared to write it off as an expensive lesson learned.

My peace of mind happiness and safety is way more important. Funny thing is my new key worker at the drug and alcohol clinic as well as my next door neighbour warned me that this might happen. So I didn't really invest too much emotionally in the relationship again just in case my bloke abused me again in order to protect myself and save myself from too much disappointment. Perhaps this is what he meant when he said he wasn't getting what he wanted out of us but I was giving what I was able to and even though he took me for granted (and in hindsight took the right royal piss out of me) it wasn't enough for him and not 'good' enough either.

But I think I know in truth my bloke isn't enough for me and he isn't good enough either and he knows this deep down but is desperately trying to deny it and twist it round and project it into and onto me so that I am the one feeling like dog turd not enough not good enough etc not him.

I think I'm dealing with a covert narcissist here folks. I also get the distinct impression that I was getting punished for booting him into touch 3 months ago. So I can only conclude that the reason I went back to him was because I was addicted to this abusive relationship every bit as much as I was addicted to alcohol and cannabis which were the things I used to cope with this man's abuse of me which he enabled to keep me subdued and under his control. I feel such a f*cking fool.

And it's no coincidence that lately my drinking has been slowly creeping up again and I've had cravings for cannabis again. I'm just going to have to go no contact again because like any addict the only way to beat it is total abstinence. And if all this relationship is doing is hurting scaring stressing and worrying me then it has to bloody well go.

I guess the upshot is you always think that this time things will be different and better. At least you're hoping for that. But it never bloody is. After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I don't want to be insane anymore lol. And whilst I might have changed my bloke most definitely hasn't and if anything he's got worse. And I just can't tolerate it anymore even if I do feel sorry for him because he's got nobody else. That is never reason enough to put up with abuse of any kind even though I have nobody else either.

Oh well wrote another novel there folks lol. Thanks for the vent space, it's good to get it all out so I can make sense of it. Positive comments feedback and support always welcome.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47
 
The definition of insanity in recovery circles is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I hope you don't give over to chemically insulating via alcohol or cannabis. Don't jeopardize your recovery. Several times I tried to reconnect with my ex-husband before I had received ample evidence stone cold sober that his addiction issues and mental/emotional instability was not something I could like, love, live with, rescue him from. Not only that, but that it was hazardous to my health.

Chalk it up as a clear headed observation about the relationship and get on with your life Diamond?
 
@crazydiamond47 Change is hard, it’s uncomfortable. Being alone is also very hard. So we tend to do things that we are comfortable with and we often go back to relationships that we know are abusive because of these issues. Or because we haven’t had enough shit in our lives to figure out that we’re worth better treatment, that they will never change no matter what we do, say, think or the way we behave.

So, which is it for you? Change is hard, or not enough shit???? Something to ponder...
 
Thanks to both of you for your replies. @TheAlbatross you said you went through the same thing with your ex husband and in the end it was hurting your health. That's exactly what was happening to me too. I have felt so bloody depressed these last 3 weeks since my bloke started up his mental bollocks again. Not bloody worth it is it? No I can't like, live, live with, or rescue him from his problems either. So I hear you loud and clear my friend and yes a clear head on my shoulders made all the difference. Yes I'm putting it down to experience and no I'm not going to let it impede my hard won recovery. I'm not chucking that away for no bugger mate. Thanks for your support and validation. Much appreciated xx

@She Cat hmmm interesting reply. Not enough shit? Well let me see, incest as a child, violent marriage to my eldest kid's dad, 23 years of crap from this nasty dude who is my youngest kid's dad, a load of bollocks from social services over my kids being removed because of this nasty dude I'm talking about here, deaths in the family, extra trauma from perverts abusing me in the years after my youngest went into care, two rapes 2 years ago, constant financial insecurity because I'm so sick I can't work to support myself... Is that enough shit for you?! Lol ain't having a pop at ya mate but after all that little lot change should be a bloody breeze eh? And frankly anything that changes has got to be easier than what I've already endured. Sure as f*ck can't be any worse eh. And who knows it might, just actually might, get better, BE better than my chequered past. Yes lonely is shit f*cking hard but blimey it's better to keep one's own company than bad company. I've learned that much at least from this recent experience. At least I might be able to hold onto a miniscule shred of sanity on my Jack Jones than having some c*nt mess with my feelings and reality because I don't want to be alone. God knows I should have learned that as a child because there was nobody there for me in my birth family growing up but I always believed that one day my Prince would come. Stuff of fairy tales right? Yes he turned up alright but he was more Sherriff of Nottingham than Robin Hood lol. So it was more like the stuff of f*cking nightmares. Oh well at least I woke up now. It's up to me whether the nightmares continue. Thanks for reminding me I still have the power of choice. Thanks for your support much appreciated xx
 
It is really hard to leave an abusive relationship. It took me 3 tries to get out of the first one. Now, my marriage (different relationship) will be over (divorce) next month, but I’d left him once before, with an order of protection, lawyers and all, and then took him back and stayed for years. They don’t change. They think it’s all our fault and they’re always in the right.
As @The Albatross says about the definition of insanity....nothing changes if nothing changes. You could change colors and stand on your head, but your bloke is still going to treat you like crap because that’s who he is.
I hope you can find the strength to get out of the relationship and go no contact. There is nothing you need to apologize for, nothing that needs to be said after the fact. No talking, no emailing, texting. Done, finished, Over and out. It’s the only way, IMO.
 
Thank you @Cannottakethis you're totally correct. I have just endured another week of crapola from this arsewipe but only because I wanted to get my washing back and the money and tobacco he owed me. Yesterday he started up with the mental and emotional abuse again and this time I've finally found the courage to end things. I've only lost 20 quid but gained an airbed 2 new half pint beer glasses a new coffee cup and a heap of insight and wisdom into abusive men. You're right he will never bloody change. So I'm facing Christmas alone for the first time in my entire life. But I'm OK with it funnily enough. I never thought I would be. The worst of it was how selfish and uncaring he was even though my pet dog had major surgery this week. He didn't give a f*cking shit that she came first because she's in pain and recovering, it was all about him and what he needed and wanted. Bastard we're both well shot of him. There was no way I was going to carry this toxic dysfunctional abusive relationship into a New Year. I've had enough of carrying dead weight that's doing nothing for me around anymore. It absolutely really truly is his loss. He hasn't contacted me today and I know he won't. He expects me to call him back down and apologise yet again like I always used to before. He's going to be disappointed lol. I'm going no contact. Thank God I never married the arsehole or still have young kids I have to share custody of with him. Talk about dodging a bullet lol. Thanks for your support xx
 
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