D
Deleted member 34561
Because the shit he used to put me through has started up again. No physical or sexual abuse so far but plenty of mental and emotional and financial abuse. We were apart for 2.5 months then 7 weeks ago I contacted him to apologise for the crazy shit I had falsely accused him of and to ask him to forgive me. For the first 4 weeks things were OK and he was on his best behaviour. But over the last 3 weeks his behaviour has slowly deteriorated towards me.
He has kept up a constant barrage of put downs and criticisms name calling and blaming me for his own short comings. Nothing I do or say is right in his eyes. He complains about everything. Last week he even complained when we were in bed together because I didn't like how he was touching me during sex and he gave me so much grief for it but I ended up taking the blame on myself and making excuses for him.
It was his birthday weekend as well and 2 nights later we were preparing dinner and he just served his own up and left me to deal with everything else. This was after I had cooked it all. I made what I think was a fairly innocuous remark and my bloke went into one at me. I backed down yet again and we both ate our dinner and he went to sleep straight after. He woke up later in another foul mood and I'm afraid I snapped. This time he ended up screaming at me that he hated me so I asked him to go home then he turned round and said 'you wouldn't make me go home at this time of night would you, it's gone 10pm'. So he guilt tripped me and it was easier for me to let him stay than make an issue of it.
The next morning he acted like nothing had happened the day before. He didn't even apologise for being such an arsehole. I had to go over to his place with him to collect my laundry since he does it for me since I don't have a washing machine at home. I decided to stay for a few hours but when I said it was time for me to leave he tried to persuade me to stay another hour and when I said no he got humpy with me again. So I went home and within minutes of getting indoors my bloke is on the blower to me having yet another go at me. I hung up on him and put my phone on silent and ignored his further calls that night.
The next morning he's calling me again demanding to know why I didn't get back to him the night before. I lied to him and said I was so tired after the weekend and eating my dinner when I got home from his the previous evening that I'd fallen asleep and I had left my phone downstairs so I didn't hear it ringing. He then falsely accused me of having another bloke over mine when I got home the night before, the same bloke who had also severely abused me, the one I saw in the pub last week who was really nasty to me again and had triggered me. I'm like 'why would I do that when he's hurt me so badly? Have you got a f*cking screw loose or something because you're behaving like a f*cking nutter'. Well that went down like a lead balloon and I ended up hanging up on him again.
That night he rang me after work and for once he was apologetic and contrite. We agreed that I would go over to his the next day and I could do some more washing. I also agreed to lend him some more money and to lend him 2 packs of tobacco. I had already lent my bloke 50 quid the week before and spent over a 100 quid on making his birthday nice with plenty of good food including an Indian takeaway and steak and jackets wine with dinner presents paying for his bets on the horses Saturday etc. Well I went over there Tuesday (3 days ago) and lo and behold he starts again with the verbal and emotional abuse.
This time I'm falsely accused of being not liking the same things as he does as if that's some kind of crime or offence and then he says he's not getting what he wants out of our relationship and wants more than what I'm already giving him. He kept nit picking at me and pushed me so far that in the end I snapped again. I was so frustrated I threw my spectacles half way across his living room and I'm lucky I didn't break them. He left off me at this point and starts apologising again. At this point I decided to leave and then he gets grumpy again because I'm leaving 'too early'. It seems I just can't bloody win with this bloke.
I've caught the bus home during which he's constantly ringing me on my mobile and leaving horrible voice mails. Once again I've ignored it. Wednesday night when he finished work he's all nice again to me and apparently sorry again. By this time my head is in an utter whirl and I'm feeling worn out and broken down. And thinking my bloke is like Jekyll and Hyde and I never know which side of him I'm going to get.
So yesterday it all came to a head when he rang me last night to complain that I'd given him too much washing to do and that he couldn't get it all dried in time before the laundry room in his place was closed for the night so he'd had to put the damp stuff on the radiator in his living room. And that's my fault apparently. Well that's the last straw for me.
And I told him loud and clear that I've finally had enough of him hectoring and bullying me and if he doesn't buck his ideas up we're finished again. But no it's me at fault according to him and then he mentions that other bloke again and I'm the one causing problems because I want an excuse to end our relationship and get together with that other arsehole bloke again. Yeah right!!!
So this time I did even answer him I just switched my phone off and went to bed in floods of tears yet again. I woke up this morning to find half a dozen texts on my phone all abusive and nasty. He called me 10 minutes ago and he's still not backing down about how rotten he's been treating me again so I've finished with him. I'm collecting my washing tomorrow and he says he's going to pay me back the money I've lent him this Tuesday when he gets paid. I don't hold out much hope of that to be honest and frankly I'm past caring about the money and I'm prepared to write it off as an expensive lesson learned.
My peace of mind happiness and safety is way more important. Funny thing is my new key worker at the drug and alcohol clinic as well as my next door neighbour warned me that this might happen. So I didn't really invest too much emotionally in the relationship again just in case my bloke abused me again in order to protect myself and save myself from too much disappointment. Perhaps this is what he meant when he said he wasn't getting what he wanted out of us but I was giving what I was able to and even though he took me for granted (and in hindsight took the right royal piss out of me) it wasn't enough for him and not 'good' enough either.
But I think I know in truth my bloke isn't enough for me and he isn't good enough either and he knows this deep down but is desperately trying to deny it and twist it round and project it into and onto me so that I am the one feeling like dog turd not enough not good enough etc not him.
I think I'm dealing with a covert narcissist here folks. I also get the distinct impression that I was getting punished for booting him into touch 3 months ago. So I can only conclude that the reason I went back to him was because I was addicted to this abusive relationship every bit as much as I was addicted to alcohol and cannabis which were the things I used to cope with this man's abuse of me which he enabled to keep me subdued and under his control. I feel such a f*cking fool.
And it's no coincidence that lately my drinking has been slowly creeping up again and I've had cravings for cannabis again. I'm just going to have to go no contact again because like any addict the only way to beat it is total abstinence. And if all this relationship is doing is hurting scaring stressing and worrying me then it has to bloody well go.
I guess the upshot is you always think that this time things will be different and better. At least you're hoping for that. But it never bloody is. After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I don't want to be insane anymore lol. And whilst I might have changed my bloke most definitely hasn't and if anything he's got worse. And I just can't tolerate it anymore even if I do feel sorry for him because he's got nobody else. That is never reason enough to put up with abuse of any kind even though I have nobody else either.
Oh well wrote another novel there folks lol. Thanks for the vent space, it's good to get it all out so I can make sense of it. Positive comments feedback and support always welcome.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47
He has kept up a constant barrage of put downs and criticisms name calling and blaming me for his own short comings. Nothing I do or say is right in his eyes. He complains about everything. Last week he even complained when we were in bed together because I didn't like how he was touching me during sex and he gave me so much grief for it but I ended up taking the blame on myself and making excuses for him.
It was his birthday weekend as well and 2 nights later we were preparing dinner and he just served his own up and left me to deal with everything else. This was after I had cooked it all. I made what I think was a fairly innocuous remark and my bloke went into one at me. I backed down yet again and we both ate our dinner and he went to sleep straight after. He woke up later in another foul mood and I'm afraid I snapped. This time he ended up screaming at me that he hated me so I asked him to go home then he turned round and said 'you wouldn't make me go home at this time of night would you, it's gone 10pm'. So he guilt tripped me and it was easier for me to let him stay than make an issue of it.
The next morning he acted like nothing had happened the day before. He didn't even apologise for being such an arsehole. I had to go over to his place with him to collect my laundry since he does it for me since I don't have a washing machine at home. I decided to stay for a few hours but when I said it was time for me to leave he tried to persuade me to stay another hour and when I said no he got humpy with me again. So I went home and within minutes of getting indoors my bloke is on the blower to me having yet another go at me. I hung up on him and put my phone on silent and ignored his further calls that night.
The next morning he's calling me again demanding to know why I didn't get back to him the night before. I lied to him and said I was so tired after the weekend and eating my dinner when I got home from his the previous evening that I'd fallen asleep and I had left my phone downstairs so I didn't hear it ringing. He then falsely accused me of having another bloke over mine when I got home the night before, the same bloke who had also severely abused me, the one I saw in the pub last week who was really nasty to me again and had triggered me. I'm like 'why would I do that when he's hurt me so badly? Have you got a f*cking screw loose or something because you're behaving like a f*cking nutter'. Well that went down like a lead balloon and I ended up hanging up on him again.
That night he rang me after work and for once he was apologetic and contrite. We agreed that I would go over to his the next day and I could do some more washing. I also agreed to lend him some more money and to lend him 2 packs of tobacco. I had already lent my bloke 50 quid the week before and spent over a 100 quid on making his birthday nice with plenty of good food including an Indian takeaway and steak and jackets wine with dinner presents paying for his bets on the horses Saturday etc. Well I went over there Tuesday (3 days ago) and lo and behold he starts again with the verbal and emotional abuse.
This time I'm falsely accused of being not liking the same things as he does as if that's some kind of crime or offence and then he says he's not getting what he wants out of our relationship and wants more than what I'm already giving him. He kept nit picking at me and pushed me so far that in the end I snapped again. I was so frustrated I threw my spectacles half way across his living room and I'm lucky I didn't break them. He left off me at this point and starts apologising again. At this point I decided to leave and then he gets grumpy again because I'm leaving 'too early'. It seems I just can't bloody win with this bloke.
I've caught the bus home during which he's constantly ringing me on my mobile and leaving horrible voice mails. Once again I've ignored it. Wednesday night when he finished work he's all nice again to me and apparently sorry again. By this time my head is in an utter whirl and I'm feeling worn out and broken down. And thinking my bloke is like Jekyll and Hyde and I never know which side of him I'm going to get.
So yesterday it all came to a head when he rang me last night to complain that I'd given him too much washing to do and that he couldn't get it all dried in time before the laundry room in his place was closed for the night so he'd had to put the damp stuff on the radiator in his living room. And that's my fault apparently. Well that's the last straw for me.
And I told him loud and clear that I've finally had enough of him hectoring and bullying me and if he doesn't buck his ideas up we're finished again. But no it's me at fault according to him and then he mentions that other bloke again and I'm the one causing problems because I want an excuse to end our relationship and get together with that other arsehole bloke again. Yeah right!!!
So this time I did even answer him I just switched my phone off and went to bed in floods of tears yet again. I woke up this morning to find half a dozen texts on my phone all abusive and nasty. He called me 10 minutes ago and he's still not backing down about how rotten he's been treating me again so I've finished with him. I'm collecting my washing tomorrow and he says he's going to pay me back the money I've lent him this Tuesday when he gets paid. I don't hold out much hope of that to be honest and frankly I'm past caring about the money and I'm prepared to write it off as an expensive lesson learned.
My peace of mind happiness and safety is way more important. Funny thing is my new key worker at the drug and alcohol clinic as well as my next door neighbour warned me that this might happen. So I didn't really invest too much emotionally in the relationship again just in case my bloke abused me again in order to protect myself and save myself from too much disappointment. Perhaps this is what he meant when he said he wasn't getting what he wanted out of us but I was giving what I was able to and even though he took me for granted (and in hindsight took the right royal piss out of me) it wasn't enough for him and not 'good' enough either.
But I think I know in truth my bloke isn't enough for me and he isn't good enough either and he knows this deep down but is desperately trying to deny it and twist it round and project it into and onto me so that I am the one feeling like dog turd not enough not good enough etc not him.
I think I'm dealing with a covert narcissist here folks. I also get the distinct impression that I was getting punished for booting him into touch 3 months ago. So I can only conclude that the reason I went back to him was because I was addicted to this abusive relationship every bit as much as I was addicted to alcohol and cannabis which were the things I used to cope with this man's abuse of me which he enabled to keep me subdued and under his control. I feel such a f*cking fool.
And it's no coincidence that lately my drinking has been slowly creeping up again and I've had cravings for cannabis again. I'm just going to have to go no contact again because like any addict the only way to beat it is total abstinence. And if all this relationship is doing is hurting scaring stressing and worrying me then it has to bloody well go.
I guess the upshot is you always think that this time things will be different and better. At least you're hoping for that. But it never bloody is. After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I don't want to be insane anymore lol. And whilst I might have changed my bloke most definitely hasn't and if anything he's got worse. And I just can't tolerate it anymore even if I do feel sorry for him because he's got nobody else. That is never reason enough to put up with abuse of any kind even though I have nobody else either.
Oh well wrote another novel there folks lol. Thanks for the vent space, it's good to get it all out so I can make sense of it. Positive comments feedback and support always welcome.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47