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Why do i hit me?

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Eseni

For many years now, not always, but in times of high emotion, my anger "flies" into rage and I slap my face MANY times, both sides, and I don't even feel it. It's a knee-jerk response to anger that happens before I even know it's about to happen. I can't figure out how and when this became a way to cope? If that's the word anyway...
 
Did someone hit you in a similar way when you were younger? Even once?
 
Not that I can remember. I asked my older brother if he remembered either of us being hit/slapped. Around the first time it happened, I had a "flash memory" of my mom slapping me...but I can't say that it's a real memory. I also have one vague memory of my father coming in the front door while she was about to hit me with a hanger, and he told her to never hit his children with anything...I was in the 3rd grade. I don't have childhood memories. Just a few "pictures" in my head.
I do know that my mother has no patience with children, and doesn't really like them around...she pretends...but there is no substance to her actions.
 
It sounds like you may have learned it from your mom then?

I suppose ideally it would be better if you could learn to hit something else instead, like a pillow or something? Do you slap yourself hard?
 
My gut feeling is that she did slap me most likely when I cried...the slaps are full force but open handed. Thankfully, no marks remain, so it's kept secret. It's been talked about in therapy...but not making much headway to stop it. It happens too quickly...
 
I did this when I was a kid. I would smack my legs really hard when I got angry but couldn't express my anger, confusion and frustration because it wasn't safe for me to. I would get angry when my parents blamed me for something I didn't do and then proceed to abuse me physically
 
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