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Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

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blue_eyes18

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Just a general question: Why do sufferers feel the overwhelming need to push their partners away? I feel that if I can begin to understand WHY it happens, I can hopefully learn to forgive and move on.

My girlfriend used to do everything in her power to push me away and end the relationship. Then she would come back and break down, saying she never truly wanted me gone, but that in that overwhelming moment, she was just having one of those episodes where she felt she was being smothered and would do and say whatever it took to get away from everything. She would have those about once a month in the beginning of our relationship.

I never understood this, as I'm not a smothering person, whatsoever. I would ask her what exactly she meant by feeling smothered, and she would atempt to explain, but it never would really make much sense to me. She always would attempt to explain that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't anything I was doing wrong, however, the only thing I ever really got out of it was that all of a sudden, she would feel this overwhelming sense of being smothered by the world, and that in that moment, she absolutely felt like she needed to get away from literally everything. And that's why she would push me away.

But I guess it's just hard for me to understand what that really means. Does anyone have any good insight into this, as I'm trying to let go of the past and find it hard to do so without fully understanding why she did the things she did. What exactly goes through a sufferers head when they are experiencing this feeling?

Thanks.
 
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Sounds to me, that she felt trapped and unsafe. Not you. But whatever happened to her, made it difficult for her to trust. It's called the flight or fight freeze. It makes it difficult. The more a person gets closer, it can feel overwhelming, scary, confusing, etc etc. I too have been the same with past relationships in my life. She should seek counseling, deal with her issues, and finally settle inside. You sound like a good person to still care. So, its not you. It's not you that did it. She has a very difficult time getting close to you, in fear of being hurt. or taking advantage of. I.M.O.
 
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Think of it a little like carving wood. Take a piece of wood and run it across a belt sander at varying angles. Think of every time the wood is run across the belt sander more n' more, as the sufferer giving the supporter more and more entry into there hell. So they are trusting them more.
 
I think the most common reason is that they are having a hard enough time dealing with the PTSD, they don't have enough energy left over to deal with anything else that can produce anxiety. They don't actually want their partner to leave, they just want to put it on hold till their symptoms relax a bit and they have the mental energy to deal with other things.
 
Being close to someone is overwhelming and terrifying at times. Even when I know it is safe, it is hard to sustain closeness because when I was abused, closeness meant life threatening danger. Intellectually, I can reason that everything is safe, but in every other way, everything in me is screaming RUN!!! If I don't back up and push people away, I tend to sabotage or become argumentative - which is another way to push people away. It all feels like terror.

It's not so much a thought process as it is a physical and emotional thing... It's hard to explain. Sometimes it is just overwhelming on a sensory level. My nervous system still isn't used to what safe feels like. When I want to run, it physically feels a little like being in a room with 20 people dragging their fingernails down a chalkboard or 20 people chasing me down a hallway with guns pointed towards me. It feels physically kind of like that. It comes on suddenly for me as well.

If I manage to not run, I become irritable or angry. (The fight part of flight or fight.) I also tend to sabotage in other ways. Sometimes running is the best thing I know. If I don't run or push people away, I tend to numb out and just totally shut down. That is the hardest to come out of.

I also don't want people to completely abandon me. I know this push/pull dynamic drives people crazy - it drives me crazy!

Trauma sometimes causes "attachment wounds." Attachment is how we connect with people. Adults who have been through trauma often develop preoccupied, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. Disorganized types will tend to push people away when they get "too close" for too long. It's not done with intent to hurt the other person, even though it is hurtful to experience it - on both sides of it. It happens just because closeness feels so damn scary. It can change over time.
 
I think the most important thing to remember is what people have touched on here... The pathways in our brain tell us "unsafe" when we are actually safe. I can be sitting with someone and intellectually feel safe, but yet my brain is telling me to run, not even just run, but effin' bolt. (Literally, usually.) There is no reason involved, it's just primal... my brain shuts off and I have an all encompassing need to be safe, which in the past, has only been achieved when I am alone, where no one can say anything damaging or physically (or otherwise) hurt me.

I have done some ridiculous things in order to just get people away from me, which is then humiliating and embarrassing... causing loads of guilt. In order to retrain our brains, we need space and the freedom to create a safe space with someone in order for our brains to be retrained to see "safe" as actually and literally "safe." It can definitely be done, but takes time, patience, and infinite kindness. Also, please note that along with everything else, this is also usually really embarrassing. Very very few people know about my flashbacks for a reason... everyone else thinks I'm fine and there is nothing "wrong" with me.
 
Just a curious observation from my scenario. I notice that my wife will now lock the door in the bedroom she sleeps in, locks the bathroom door. There has been no history of people barging in on her. I used to sit next to the bath when she was in there and talk with her....now it is total isolation and there can be weeks that pass where she will not speak to me and we live in the same house. At this time I am so lonely and cannot imagine that we will ever be together again. She is just a shell of what she used to be.
 
I push people away to feel safe, and being alone was the only way I was safe in the past too. I feel very very lonely when I push away everyone. The drive to push people away is so huge. It feels life or death even when I know it is not. It is a hellish nightmare of an existence. PTSD is horrible. Hope and the kindness of others and my intellectual understanding that this can change and the pain of being so alone - those are some of the reasons I keep trying anyhow.
 
Yep, the "life or death" component is also important to realize. It's not "should I leave," but "I will literally die if I don't get out of here." There's a reason it's often referred to as an "amygdala hijacking." That's how ingrained these pathways are, thanks to being in situations where that thought was on the table... but we couldn't escape. So now, whenever anything triggers anything remotely close to that original situation, it doesn't matter who we're with, where we are or anything... the *only* thing on our mind is safety. There is (very very literally) nothing else.
 
Yep, the "life or death" component is also important to realize. It's not "should I leave," but "I will literally die if I don't get out of here."

I think Bell has made a really important point. The idea that a person with PTSD just wants to feel safer is easily misunderstood as an experience of needing a bit of down time or a bit of peace and quiet, because that is the reality that people experiencing normal levels of stress or anxiety recognise. Whereas the reality in that moment for the person with PTSD, is that they will die or suffer horrifically if they don't do something. It's not a planned or considered decision, it's a self-preservation necessity.

Sadly, something I have found, is that when I have been triggered by a person enough to walk away from them, I still relate them to that bad experience even after the flashback has gone. I understand it's not their fault and that they didn't mean it, but nevertheless, I develop a fear of the flashback that I link with them.
 
This is very interesting and informative to read. I come here fairly often, to this forum, and it quite literally keeps me sane sometimes.

The hardest thing, for me, is understanding and remembering that it isn't me, it's the ptsd. It doesn't seem to matter how many times he suddenly isolates and disappears, it still gets to me. It's the suddenness, as much as anything; the way we can be incredibly close and happy one minute, to the point where I just can't even visualise it going wrong again, to (literally) instantaneous withdrawal and disappearance. He can't tell me when he is feeling that way, there's no warning, he just has to escape. And for the first few days I feel betrayed and angry (surely he could just send a text?? How can he love me if he can hurt me this way? I could never ignore him… etc…). To accept someone can do something that's so completely out of the realms of your own experience is incredibly hard. None of my friends understand why I stay with him when he does this, to them he's just being selfish and manipulative That's what I mean about coming here. Reading about how it feels, that reminder, is really important to me because he can't tell me. Because, no matter how many times it happens, I still have that hurt and anger in those first few days until the initial shock and sadness of losing him for an unknown amount subsides and I can deal with it rationally. He's learned to understand this reaction, and not to freak out by it, because it's natural to be hurt when someone you love effectively abandons you out of the blue.

And it does get better, with time and patience and perseverence. As he realises I'm not going to crack, I'm not going to break and leave him, and we both learn not to blame each other for our mutual natural responses to things beyond our control.
 
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