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Why do we keep going back?

Discussion in 'Domestic Violence' started by crazydiamond47, Dec 6, 2017.

  1. crazydiamond47

    crazydiamond47 Active Member

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    There's just no logic or reason to this crazy phenomenon. If anyone can enlighten me great because I desperately need some answers. And can you please tell me how to stop feeling like the biggest f*cking mug on the planet right now? I'm treating this thing as another addiction. I know in my head I need to go completely no contact just like an addict has to completely abstain from their drug of choice. I know the bastard doesn't care a flying f*ck for me but it was how I felt when times were good when I was with him that kept me hooked. And then when times were bad it was the false unrealistic hope that the good feelings would return that kept me hanging in there. Always its the bloody feelings. Coupled with the shit between my ears. I guess I got to sort out the shit between my ears to arrest the feelings of need and want for the drug of abuse. Because it really is a bloody drug. But we get hooked on our own brain and body chemistry don't we? Adrenaline dopamine and oxytocin. And these bastards know exactly what to do to keep us entranced and hypnotised for the cycle to carry on. Nice nasty nice again and again till we don't know our arses from our bloody elbows. Reward punishment reward punishment. When will it ever f*cking end? Oh well I guess I just answered my own question. Lol. But damn withdrawal f*cking hurts. No pain no gain as they say in recovery circles. I guess I really need to see me going back to him as some kind of relapse. And to forgive myself for it. But I'm filled with so much guilt and shame. Typical addict eh. But at least I don't hate myself anymore which I guess is progress after a fashion. Progress over perfection eh. I don't want perfection I just want to stop feeling like shit. That's not too much to ask for is it? I've managed to restrain myself from contacting my 'drug dealer' for 24 hours. They tell you in AA if you can get through the first 72 hours you're on your way. It can't f*cking come quick enough lol. Oh well I've just eaten a massive portion of home made lasagne and I'm going to go and distract myself with an hour of telly now. I feel better for getting that lot off my chest. Thanks all rant over lol.

    Best

    Crazydiamond47
     
    Mach123 likes this.
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  3. Tornadic Thoughts

    Tornadic Thoughts I'm a VIP

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    I remember going back to each of my abusers because otherwise, I'd be homeless. I was more scared of the streets than I was an abusive asshole. I felt like I was holding my own well enough to be able to still survive, being as how I'd survived up until that point, but I feared the unknown of trying to live on the street, and after having experienced some super shady shit in trying to do so, I'd go running back to my ill-perceived safety zone of abuse to avoid the even scarier unknown...and there were no abuse shelters and such in the area I lived in at the time...and even the cops were less than helpful after being called, so I felt stuck, no matter what I tried.

    I was also heavily using alcohol and any other drug I could get my hands on at the time to try to numb all the feelings that go along with being in an abusive relationship. I'd drink until I'd black out more often than I'd like to remember...if I only could remember.

    I wasn't able to walk away until I found an unexpected friend who had just lost her abusive dad to suicide. She helped me realize I was worth so much more than I was making myself put up with, she gave me a for real safe place to stay, and her whole family pretty much adopted me as one of their own, allowing me the space, the love, the compassion, and the support I needed to tell those abusive assholes where they could go....without me, for a change.

    May you find your thought/person/circumstance that finally "clicks" and helps you see that your worth is so much greater than the skewed reality your abuser and your mind currently presents. Take kind care of you.
     
  4. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    It was expressed to me by more than one therapist that, "we don't thoroughly understand re-enactment." It can be easy to see in some cases I think. I decided I had been sexually abused based on the things I had done, was doing, wanted to do which all pointed to a re-enactment. After that, thinking about it gets kind of complicated.
     
    crazydiamond47 likes this.
  5. leslie82

    leslie82 Member

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    We go back (female OR male) because we think we change them. We think we can make them change into a normal person. That's the bottomline.

    My ex husband is a meth addict. He physically abused me three times in the five years I was with him (only married one year). In the last two years since the divorce I gave him chances. The biggest one I gave because he was sober for five months. It was great. We hardly ever fought. Never about drugs or money. He was working. Going to meetings. In a halfway house. Not talking to his loser druggie friends. Then he got arrested for something from before he went to rehab and the night I bailed him out (like a moron) he relapsed. He has been spiraling down since then that was Mar last year.

    The only times he did ever hit me was coming off meth - not that it's an excuse. I honestly believe if he had never ever done meth he wouldn't have abused anyone. But he has - me, his first wife. His best friend. His brother. Over drugs. He has four kids with three women. I don't know why I thought I was special that he'd change for me. He hasn't for his kids.

    The last five years - four rehab trips. This year twice. He's in jail yet again because of meth. His other three kids are done with him. My daughter doesn't know any better yet she's little. Once in a while she asks for daddy. Last night she wanted me to go get him. That's hard to see her cry for him.

    It just takes awhile to see the light and stop listening to our hearts and listen to our heads. My light came finally in Mar this year when he used our daughter's medical condition to get half the bail back early. The only thing lower than using your child to get drugs is probably being a child molester or abuser. I hope this time with this charge he gets some serious time and no plea deals are made. He's about to have another charge added from something last year around this time too since apparently DNA evidence came back matching him. I hope he gets it. I don't know who he is anymore. He's basically a stranger. All these little 27 year old drug addicts can have him.
     
    crazydiamond47 likes this.
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