gracieanne
New Here
Hey yall, this is my first time posting anything or telling anyone but my really good friend, so please bear with me. Although I'm in mid highschool and should be able to remember, i can't remember anything from until i was 8-9 years old. From there things are pretty hazy until around 10 or 11. I used to think that was from my father leaving when i was 3 and then finally 5. My mother (who i live with now), has always been nice and a little on the demanding side and is always open in talking about things of the past. The odd thing about my parents is that they didn't separate until last month, and I would always see my father every weekend or whenever he was around because he went on lots of business trips. This peculiar situation was considered taboo to talk about it with him until last year when he wanted a divorce. My mother says that when he first left i was angry all the time and always had some level of irritation, and she always tried to tell me that she loved me unconditionally. My dad and I talk now about his leaving now and although its uncomfortable, we make it work.
The main thing though is that i don't remember anyone in my life. i don't remember my mother, father, or younger sister who was born that year. I don't even remember what i was like! Its like those memories are gone and have changed into a black hole.
The memories i have though from that time are mostly about sexual stuff. I don't want to try and make up something that never happened, but i am a little scared at how i got into these situations and also how I responded to them. From before i can remember i masturbated to stop peeing because i had a weak bladder (is that normal?). When i was young (i don't know how young), i used to play with one specific girl friend who had two younger brothers. I remember trying to perform oral on her younger brother in the pool because she dared me to and he thought it was funny, and us taking turns humping one another and her mom walking in on us. This same friend i still see now and hasn't confronted me about these things and i don't know when i remembered it. It was always just there i guess, so it never bothered me. I'm pretty sure that they aren't dreams or false memories because they are so vivid and i've had them for a long long time. I also used to play the "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" game with my younger friend who was a boy. I know that this is definitely a real memory because i knew it was wrong at the time and his mother called mine and i denied everything. If i was wondering about that memory i could just ask my mom about it.
I feel like was introduced to sex really early on but i don't know if it was just me using a computer (I had my own at age 8 with free range) or something else. Why did I even do these things? and why did I never tell anyone? I feel like i'm in the middle of a great big mystery!
Did something weird happen with me to make me lose my memories or was it just the emotional trauma of my dad leaving? Someone please help!!
The main thing though is that i don't remember anyone in my life. i don't remember my mother, father, or younger sister who was born that year. I don't even remember what i was like! Its like those memories are gone and have changed into a black hole.
The memories i have though from that time are mostly about sexual stuff. I don't want to try and make up something that never happened, but i am a little scared at how i got into these situations and also how I responded to them. From before i can remember i masturbated to stop peeing because i had a weak bladder (is that normal?). When i was young (i don't know how young), i used to play with one specific girl friend who had two younger brothers. I remember trying to perform oral on her younger brother in the pool because she dared me to and he thought it was funny, and us taking turns humping one another and her mom walking in on us. This same friend i still see now and hasn't confronted me about these things and i don't know when i remembered it. It was always just there i guess, so it never bothered me. I'm pretty sure that they aren't dreams or false memories because they are so vivid and i've had them for a long long time. I also used to play the "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" game with my younger friend who was a boy. I know that this is definitely a real memory because i knew it was wrong at the time and his mother called mine and i denied everything. If i was wondering about that memory i could just ask my mom about it.
I feel like was introduced to sex really early on but i don't know if it was just me using a computer (I had my own at age 8 with free range) or something else. Why did I even do these things? and why did I never tell anyone? I feel like i'm in the middle of a great big mystery!
Did something weird happen with me to make me lose my memories or was it just the emotional trauma of my dad leaving? Someone please help!!