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Why Don't I Have Any Memories? Did Something Happen?

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gracieanne

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Hey yall, this is my first time posting anything or telling anyone but my really good friend, so please bear with me. Although I'm in mid highschool and should be able to remember, i can't remember anything from until i was 8-9 years old. From there things are pretty hazy until around 10 or 11. I used to think that was from my father leaving when i was 3 and then finally 5. My mother (who i live with now), has always been nice and a little on the demanding side and is always open in talking about things of the past. The odd thing about my parents is that they didn't separate until last month, and I would always see my father every weekend or whenever he was around because he went on lots of business trips. This peculiar situation was considered taboo to talk about it with him until last year when he wanted a divorce. My mother says that when he first left i was angry all the time and always had some level of irritation, and she always tried to tell me that she loved me unconditionally. My dad and I talk now about his leaving now and although its uncomfortable, we make it work.
The main thing though is that i don't remember anyone in my life. i don't remember my mother, father, or younger sister who was born that year. I don't even remember what i was like! Its like those memories are gone and have changed into a black hole.
The memories i have though from that time are mostly about sexual stuff. I don't want to try and make up something that never happened, but i am a little scared at how i got into these situations and also how I responded to them. From before i can remember i masturbated to stop peeing because i had a weak bladder (is that normal?). When i was young (i don't know how young), i used to play with one specific girl friend who had two younger brothers. I remember trying to perform oral on her younger brother in the pool because she dared me to and he thought it was funny, and us taking turns humping one another and her mom walking in on us. This same friend i still see now and hasn't confronted me about these things and i don't know when i remembered it. It was always just there i guess, so it never bothered me. I'm pretty sure that they aren't dreams or false memories because they are so vivid and i've had them for a long long time. I also used to play the "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" game with my younger friend who was a boy. I know that this is definitely a real memory because i knew it was wrong at the time and his mother called mine and i denied everything. If i was wondering about that memory i could just ask my mom about it.
I feel like was introduced to sex really early on but i don't know if it was just me using a computer (I had my own at age 8 with free range) or something else. Why did I even do these things? and why did I never tell anyone? I feel like i'm in the middle of a great big mystery!
Did something weird happen with me to make me lose my memories or was it just the emotional trauma of my dad leaving? Someone please help!!
 
When there is so much trauma in a young childs life, amnesia is normal. It was how you chose to survive, it was so painful and confusing that you blocked it out in my opinion.

I have gaps in my memory as well but I went into therapy and worked through my losses and I am pretty symptom managing now.

I hope you will find a way to getting good therapy for yourself and trust your gut instincts. Not all therapists are qualified to deal with missing memories. It is a journey and a process but I highly recommend that when you are able get into a therapy search for yourself.

In the meantime just take the best care of you that you can. I understand your experiences of shame in child play that involves sex.

Give yourself a break and realize that you were a child and the adults around you are responsible for your welfare while growing up. Hugs.
 
Thanks so much :) I'm going to try to get into some therapy soon and sort things out. This was the first time that I was able to open up like this and you really helped. You're right about me feeling ashamed, i had just never realized it before. Thanks alot!
 
I don't think we can tell you if something is missing, and the frustrating part is that you can wonder for a long time and not know. Best to consider therapy, especially if you have troubling symptoms. I also don't remember much of my younger years, though I do have a few memories of random things. Sex play as kids is normal, at least within a given range, but I also had some stuff that didn't seem really "normal" explorative play....or beyond that, like going to far with other kids or molesting dolls (no "exploration" there). I felt ashamed about it for a long time when I'd think back, but then I realized I was probably working out some sort of need for mastery or control (does not 100% mean sexual abuse in my case because there definitely is medical trauma I have some memory of and that can do weird things to little kids too). If there is anything else, I'm not sure how I would ever know so I just focus on functioning and keeping safe, but also open to new information. It's easier when you feel safe, with yourself but also with someone who can help you, like a therapist. It would probably be helpful to find a therapist you trust and go over lots of things, including these memories and your father. And if it feels safe, do you even have any pictures from those years...do they resonate with any memories?
 
Usually I can remember things when i look at pictures, but not from pictures from when I was younger. i recognize myself, but i just can't remember what i was doing or why I was there. They mean nothing to me unless someone else tells about them. Thanks though :)
 
When there is so much trauma in a young childs life, amnesia is normal. It was how you chose to survive, it was so painful and confusing that you blocked it out in my opinion.
This is exactly what happened with me, I was abused from such an early age and all through out my childhood by numerous abusers there are huge gaps in my memory now.

I offer a :hug: if you accept it

Laurie
 
Masturbating to control micturation/defecation is super normal, especially in little girls. Most toddlers & some older kids do it. Not strictly limited to girls, either, but the physiology really helps with girls. Hafts pee! Hands go to hold it in... And it works!!! Whoa. Cool. As a parent, it's pretty much a daily thing for a few years telling them to get their hands outta their diaper or pants. Even so, girls especially, will rock on the seam of their trousers... And many learn to do the held keigel & hold your breath masturbating without touching yourself thing. Even to the point of orgasm. Goes from a fun tickle that has the side benefit of delaying peeing/pooping, to Wowza! That was fun! Boys can't orgasm until puberty (typically, although there's sometimes a brief window around age 5 or 6 when there's a hormone bump, they'll also get stinky armpits, and even some peach fuzz for a few months, and then the hormones even out)... But stimulation still feels good, and once they discover their "handle" it's an ongoing battle to get them to leave themselves alone (at least in public!), no matter how much fun it is when their peni "gets fat!", or how much longer they can put off going potty.
 
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