• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sexual Assault Why It Is So Hard To Say "it"?

Status
Not open for further replies.

peupeu

Learning
Because we take Felix's diary little bit off track, I think that I start that "track" here, so we don't 'mess' very good diary of Felix. If you Felix read this, I am very proud of you that you can tell your touching story!!! :hug:

Many of us think why some words, mainly R-word (rape), is so hard to say or write. English is not my everyday language, so I do not have any examples of my own, but in my own language there is many of them. Assault is one of them.

Maybe because man who assault me say many times "I love you" to me before he did what he did, that sentence creeps me out ('minä rakastan sinua' in my language). My hands get wet even now when I write that :confused:First time when my boyfriend tell me that he loves me I just freeze. I cannot say anything. Maybe I just wait that what bad start to happen...
 
What my dad did to me was so vile, brutal, and horrendous that to describe it as child sexual abuse seems mild. I guess that's why I feel rape is a more appropriate word. Maybe child sexual rape. When I hear the word rape I know that extreme violence and force was used against one person for another persons own sexual gratification. Sometimes it's the only word that works. Peace.
 
I think the difficulty in saying these words lies within the feeling that it would make it "too real". And that stems from the fact that we have a hard time accepting that it really happened to us.

When I got to this forum I would hyperventilate every time I wrote or read "rape". It's still hard, it still stings a little, but I'm getting better at it. I even got to the point where I can write that I was raped by my father without almost fainting.

On the other had, saying it is way much harder. I still can't say it in therapy and when my T says it I panic. She got used to calling him by name and not say "your father" for the same reason.

These are all steps we have to climb. But as is with physical workout, it's the same with psychological workout. Push the limit a bit further every time and you'll get there!
 
Writing the word rape is easier than saying it. I didn't realize until I started thinking about it. It's a powerful word.
 
I just thought I'd add to this - but I already said it before.....
My random thoughts about why it's hard to use the word rape. (please remember I'm no 'expert', just a survivor!)

One aspect is that when used in it's correct sense rape is a really powerful word. Whether as a 'survivor' or not, I think the word conjures up a feeling of being terrorised, violated and powerless. Rape isn't just a word, it is a violent crime of the most personal violation. Even the sound of the word when spoken out loud sounds harsh. Although the use of the word rape has been trivialised (for example facebook rape) by certain groups, it reminds us of the crime that was committed against us. It conjures up those feeling of terror, horror, and helplessness which reminds us we were victims. Rape is a crime about power, and the word rape seems to hold a power over us. Being able to use the word rape, breaks down the power the word has over us, and also breaks down the power our abuser had over us.

Although rape is about power more than sex, obviously the sexual, intimate aspect is what makes it difficult for to discuss. Sex is a completely normal part of human life. Consensual, loving sex is just as normal as the human needs for freedom, subsistence, protection, understanding, creativity, leisure, purpose etc etc, but generally in society we don't discuss sex. We are somehow embarrassed by the subject. Our ability to discuss sex openly is a affected by our upbringing, education, religion and the society around us. This is why we feel shame when sex is forced on us. Many people even have problems using anatomical language (whether abused or not). Penis, vagina, anus, breasts testicles etc. All these body parts have been given numerous slang words, many are introduced to us as children. Why? A hand is a hand, an ear is an ear, why is a penis, a willy, a cock, a winkie, a dick, a knob etc? Slang words are handed down from generation to generation, because people are embarrassed to talk about the sexual parts of their body.

Exposure to the word rape, is the best way to over-come your difficulties with the word. Taking the power out of word is as simple as using it. Yep - I know it's not simple but so long as you allow the word rape to have power over you, you will probably still feel the power of your abuser. Abuser(s) take away our choices, but how we deal with the after affects of rape is now up to us. Whether you consider yourself to be a victim, a former-victim, or a survivor, rape is not a word a dirty word, it was not something you chose, you didn't ask for it, and you are not to blame for it.

As with any type of exposure therapy, gradually build up. Try typing the word, read the word, delete it, rewrite it. Read the word here, read other articles, or definitions of the word. Maybe try writing your own definition. What does the word mean to you?
 
I went to a poetry session that my counselor wanted me to attend. I was so scared but I walked on in. I went to a seat in the back of the room and started to panic. What was doing here, I don't belong. I felt so uncomfortable. But I didn't leave. People started to read their poems and I started to listen. I calmed down, a few times I wanted to leave but I was to far away from the door and I didn't want to get up in front of any body. People were laughing and very supportive of each other. I felt so alone, I don't think I can do that any more. As soon as I got in my car I started crying. I have always felt so out of place around other people I guess the old feelings I always had just came flooding back. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a while. My heart is hurting and I can't stop crying.
 
I stopped crying ,wondering why this hurt me so such. I wanted to stand up with a voice, I wanted support and encouragement. I'll not give up. Next time I'll stand up and speak my words,my voice maybe soft but I will be heard. Maybe. :) aaaaaaaah.
 
Kat,
I think you did great!!!!!:hug::hug:
You went! That is a HUGE accomplishment.:applause:
You also stayed, even when you were tempted to leave!!!!:dance:

I see a lot that you should be very proud of!!!1 Great Job!!!:wave:
 
Wow. After all that you still have the courage to pick up and carry on. I admire that.
I am feeling defeated at the moment. Your words are inspiration.
 
Thank you so much. I was really scared. :)

Kat,
That is exactly why you should be soooooo proud of yourself!!!:applause::hug::hug:

I'm sure you have heard before that the courageous are not "without fear". Their actions are taken "inspite of fear". That is exactly what makes them "courageous"!!!!

In my opinion what you managed to do was indeed courageous. "You go girl!":dance:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top