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Wife Has PTSD

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by kurfbird, Aug 10, 2006.

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  1. kurfbird

    kurfbird New Member

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    Wife has PTSD. Was sexually abuse and raped more than once when she was 12-15. Is seeking treatment. It has been 10 months since treatment started. Seeing a Therapist and taking drugs. We have been married for 19 years. And just told me about it last year.

    I have tried to be understanding. But right now there is no closeness and I miss that.
    I am tired of continually being pushed away. Its like she is trying to get rid of me. And she has almost done it. At least she has our marriage to the point where it has almost collapsed.

    Her mental state is not good. I know she is not stable enough to raise out 2 kids. I am tired of being in a rock and a hard place.

    Will this get better. Will the closeness we had ever return.
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi kurfbird,

    Welcome to the forum. It sounds to me as though your wife is bouncing of walls at present. Is she educated on PTSD or not? Has she done anything, or doing anything to control her PTSD, ie. therapy, physicians, etc? Is she medicated?

    We with PTSD often push our loved ones away because we don't know how to handle them, or cope with them and our PTSD. We often don't want our burden to become theirs, so we push everyone close away and try to deal with it all by ourselves. The facts are, that having someone to help us is what we need more than not, but we often can't see that for ourselves.

    My suggestion is that you get your wife on here to chat with myself, and others here who have PTSD from being raped, as she will find some relief, education and we can give her that swift boot in the arse to push her in the right direction to get herself better, and get back her marriage.

    It takes time to recover from PTSD, as there is no cure for it, but it most certainly can be learnt to be controlled, instead of PTSD doing the controlling. Get your wife on here mate, whether she wants it or not, tell her to come chat with me, as she will find people she truly can relate with, are dealing with PTSD, and those of us who have pushed past the worst and on the side where the grass is much greener, and leading fairly normal lives once again, and relationships.
     
  4. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hey Kurfbird,

    Welcome to the forum. Your wife has just started treatment so it is probably going to be hard journey for both of you. I understand where you are coming from regarding the absence of closeness and their continued efforts to push you away. Its hard on both sides of the fence. You have been married for a long time so that probably makes it harder for you guys. I suggest that you are grieving a little bit for what you once had and she is just to busy struggling with her own demons to really notice.

    In the mind set that she is probably in at the moment it would seem to her easier to push you away. She doesn't have to deal with her own emotions, her PTSD and you. Like Anthony said, often the thing that will help them the most is a supportive partner but they often can't see that.

    As for raising the kids......thats a tough one. I just recently returned to full-time work and I will admit to being concerned about how Anthony would cope with the little one. Generally, those two do alright but I know that I can't really afford to be home too late from work, as 'witching hour' after the days stress seems to be just too much. Don't get me wrong, my son is well cared for but he's a toddler and full-on. Sometimes he wears me thin and I don't have PTSD. How old are your children? Not that it really matters, at any age they are demanding in different ways. Do you have someone to share the care with, other than your wife? A regular break will do them and your wife the world of good. I ended up putting our little one in day care one day a week to give him some kids his own age to play with and to give Daddy a break.

    Will it get better. Quite possibly it will as your wife is seeking help. One of the better things that you can do is to educate yourself, so that if she does feel like speaking about the trauma or PTSD you have a better understanding of where she is coming from. Also please keep posting here, there is a wealth of knowledge to be gained from all members of this forum. Take care.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Kurfbird, the biggest piece of advice I can also give, is being a male, don't try and fix her problems when she tells you, just listen, and say nothing if need be. I say that, because all us males want to fix problems, so they are no longer a problem. Women don't see things as we see them, and with PTSD involved, you would only make things worse for her by trying to fix an issue if she tells you.
     
  6. Kims_Man

    Kims_Man Active Member

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    Hey Kurfbird,

    Welcome to the forum. I, too, have a wife that suffers from PTSD as a result of sexual, as well as physical, abuse as a child. I can totally relate to what you are going through. One of the comments you made, about your wife's mental status, was a huge concern for my wife and I until she started reading the posts here. It really helped her to see that she wasn't alone in her feelings, and that what she was going through and experiencing were predictable "phases" for someone suffering from PTSD. Has your wife had a chance to read any of the posts from other sufferers yet? If not, try and get her to. She will truly benefit from it.

    I also want to reiterate what Anthony had to say. LISTEN! Once I got that down, I noticed a huge difference in how severe Kim's blow-ups would be. It is a very hard practice to learn, but well worth the effort.

    Good luck,

    Warren
     
  7. kurfbird

    kurfbird New Member

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    Thanks

    Thanks for the post.

    I have learned to grow a thick skin. Ignore comments from her that are not what she would normally say. Most times she calls me the next morning to appolize for what was said. Or ask me how bad it was the night before.

    Yes she is in treatment with meds and seeing a counselor. Plus is educated in all the issues on PTSD. I told her she needs to tell the counselor about the closeness problems intamacy etc.

    The kids are in there teens. So Iam taking up some of the duties with that also.

    Try to fix it, that hit home. I am just try to be understanding and supportive.
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I am interested mate, how is your wife educated on all issues PTSD? Has she been learning herself, or has medical qualifications? I think its great that she does know what she's in for with whatever knowledge she has, as that alone is a great headstart to recovery.

    Excellent to hear that your taking up more duties with the kids. Do you find that spending time with them reduces your stress a little from the worries dealing with your wife?
     
  9. kurfbird

    kurfbird New Member

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    She has been learing herself

    She has been learning her self. Plus the counselor has been helping.

    With the kids I try and do the transportation issues. We live out in the country. So sports practices. Taking them to see their friends etc. Plus help with laundry, Cooking and cleaning.

    She also has chronic debilitating pain.

    But sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Right now I work 8- 10 hours a days 5 or 6 days a week. Then come home to either help with cooking cleaning. Plus laundry.
     
  10. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Mate, it may seem like that on the surface, but even with myself on days, my wife could be at work all day, then come home and I have just had an ordinary day, or the kids have run me around all day, so she helps out with things in the evening routine... this happens to people without PTSD, let alone the extra issues we bring up with PTSD.

    I think as long as that line is never crossed by partners, where they do begin to take advantage of their spouses support, because that just raises another whole new issue, which can only be sorted out by discussion generally between the two.

    That is really good though that your wife is educating herself as much as possible, as that is one of the key factors to getting past PTSD, and manageing it to cope with normal day situations, and get back to a fairly normal life once again.
     
  11. kurfbird

    kurfbird New Member

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    Yes I no the rountine of helping out.

    Yes I no the rountine of helping out. I guess it is just the way it is. Until my kids are grown. Then we will see what happens with out marriage.
     
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