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Will I Ever Be Free?

Discussion in 'General' started by nie, Aug 28, 2007.

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  1. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

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    I have not lived with my mother for 10 years, but she still has a hold on me. That is a lot of what I am trying to work on in therapy, but I feel like I am making no progress. :wall:Last night in therapy I guess I had what one might call a breakthrough. I realized that there has never to my recollection ever been a single time when I did something completely for myself. Everything I do, before I do it, I run as many scenarios about how it will affect other people. I always worry about other people, and not myself. I realize that some of this is due to the "training" my mother imposed upon me starting at a very very young age, that she was who was important not me. I know that I should try to start to learn to be able to do things just for me. Intellectually I know that does not mean I am selfish, but that is how it feels emotionally. My doctor said that I should try to think of it as advocating for myself, which has a much more positive connotation. I don't know how to start. I feel like I will never be free of my mother's control. Oh how I wish to be.
     
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  3. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    It sounds really stupid Nieccole but sometimes another's control on us is what we actually place upon ourselves....as in we accept it and continually allow it to happen by the way we either act or respond. After many years it can become an ingrained habit or way of living. If you can break the cycle by changing your own actions you may find you can release yourself. I tried it and it worked for me.:wink:

    I'm no expert and I am sure others here have a wealth of knowledge and experience which may help you but it's just a thought.
     
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  4. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Nieccole,

    From what I can gather, your mother may be Narcissistic Borderline Personality.. Or have traits very similar. These are very difficult people to deal with. No matter what you did or didn't do, you were either wrong, or it wasn't good enough. Am I right????

    Yes to a certain degree you have been molded. You tried your hardest to perform up to her standards....Nothing worked. Nothing ever does with this type of person...It's all about THEM...It actually has very little to do with you......

    You are your own person now.....She has no control over you. This is something within your own mind that you need to break away from as Nic mentioned. It will be hard to do, and you may actually feel very selfish the first few times in breaking the habit.....But you can do it. YOU have power over your own mind, no one else.......

    The next time that you are in a position to do something that you don't want to...Don't.....The next time you want to do something for someone....Do it without the thoughts of What if...Just do it....

    Try it, you might just LOVE the feeling after awhile...

    Wen
     
  5. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Nieccole,

    It took me until almost four years after my father's death and going through dealing with my PTSD to realize how much of my father's approval I craved in my life. I only heard once (I was 34) that he was proud of me. I cried like a baby. So much of my life, so many of my accomplishments I did, in same way/shape/or form, for approval from my father.

    You say you don't know how to start, but you already have. You've realized that this is in your life and you don't want it. Good start. Finding out how to change something we don't like in our life is an indivdual as we are. But limiting your contact with her, leaving when things get tight and reminding yourself that you can leave if you need to are good ways to start your changing.

    Also writing a list of what you've accomplished in your life, what you can do (without her help) and goals you want to accomplish. Basically writing your good stuff down, reading and rereading it until you belive it. Hard, I know...but doable.

    It took time for you to become so well trained to want her approval. Even though you know it's withheld. It's going to take time for you to undo this way of doing things and rethink your way into a new way of living your life. It's also one of those things that takes a lot of looking after to keep yourself from slipping back.

    Like I said...hard, but definately doable.

    Lisa
     
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Nic got it pretty much right on the head. We just don't realize it until we break free! Now that is the hard part but can be done. No one has any control that we don't give them. Your mom does not control you even if you feel that way now. You allow it as an adult.

    I suggest try something small, just something important to you but not earth shattering to mom (though annoying would be good). Just one little thing you are willing to stand up and be brave for. Hell, drink from a carton of milk even. And once done you see it is nothing she can control. If she gets britches in a bunch you can give her $2 and say get a new one. You can prove to yourself you can and will start taking control back.

    Take small steps to see you can do it and prove it to yourself. You will be taking the first baby steps in taking your one and only life in control and living it for the person it was given to. YOU!
     
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  7. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

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    My goal for this week was supposed to be to do things for myself without worrying about others. Well, I haven't really been successful at that. I did try to ask for help at home tonight, and it blew up in my face. Hubby doesn't really want to help, I don't think. When I asked if he would like to help he said "I guess so, what needs to be done." So, I listed my evening to do list. Well, I guess he thought I was telling him to do it all, and he didn't like that. So, then I felt frozen and like I had really messed up. And it unfortunately confirmed why I usually just do everything instead of asking for help, I don't like the confrontation. He doesn't like to help, so I wish he would just say that instead of being bitter and saying yes. I feel like I just failed terribly at what I was supposed to be trying to do this week. I knew that I wouldn't be able to just start doing things only for me all of the sudden, but I didn't think that I would fail at even asking for help. After we kind of talked it out, I said "I don't understand what you want from me." He said, "I want you to be happy, and in a good mood." I said that I would try my best, but I was thinking "well great, just another thing that i can add to the list of things I cannot do right tonight." Anyway, sorry to ramble, I just wish I could find some success.
     
  8. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Nieccole,

    May I suggest that you try reading the book, Stop walking on egg shells. It may shed some insight as to your mothers behavior towards you as a child. It will also help you to understand that it's all about HER... NOT you. It will help you not to internalize and feel like your life is at fault, and everything you do is not wrong.

    Just a thought...Hope you are feeling better.

    Wen
     
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  9. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

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    Went to therapy tonight. Talked about last night. Doc said that it was a success, and that I should look at it as such. I asked for help. So, it didn't go quite as I had hoped, but I did it.

    I am trying to listen to that, but I feel so down. I guess that is because my husband is the one person that hardly ever dislikes me or things I do, so it is very defeating for me when he is upset. Funny thing is, he forgot it as soon as it was over, and I have been worrying about it ever since. I really had a rough day today. After therapy I was driving to rehearsal, and got a nose bleed in the car.

    I am sorry to be a complainer, I guess maybe I should come back and type more when I feel a little better.
     
  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    That is the point of typing it out. Getting it out is what makes you feel better. Don't worry about trying to look together here. None of us are LOL. Typing when you feel bad and well are equally beneficial.
     
    nie likes this.
  11. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    Veiled is right Nieccole. Getting your feelings out is a good thing. Keep up the good work.
     
  12. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

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    Went to the psychiatrist last night. She said that she thinks that my current medications are good for now, and that I should stay in therapy twice a week. I am glad that I am getting this stuff out the best that I can, but man does it hurt. My heart hurts. Some days I am not sure if I am going to make it through the day, but somehow I do. I told my mother-in-law about the PTSD. She is a very loving women. I am blessed to have her. She reminded me that I am a good wife and she knows because she knows her son. It was nice to be reminded that I am good. I have a hard time remembering that sometimes.
     
  13. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    Hang on to that thought Nieccole......... you are a good person :)
     
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