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Will this get better

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Ms Priss

Learning
It has seemed like such a long time since the initial intake appt. with trauma counselor. I was on rocky ground before, but I am even worse now. I just cannot seem to get my head out of the past no matter what I do so I kinda have just stopped trying.

My entire life since my father died when I was 11 has been a total nightmare. I am finding it threatening to talk to a counselor about it because I have had some really rotten counselors who only furthered all the crap. I find I am being swallowed up from toxic shame...eaten alive.

I have no safety nets in my life...there is me and that is it...it scares me so much. I have two sisters who could care less...call me a freak, etc. After many years of trying to make it different, I am finally trying to detach completely because it is an illusion in my mind that there is any sort of healthy relationship there for me...trying to stop going back for more of the same stuff.

This all seems so purposeless to me and I cannot for the life of me see anything getting even remotely better. I know the only thing that can really change is the internal landscape...it is such a mess in there. I cannot seem to think a positive thought...it is like I stayed strong and hopeful for so long til I just could not anymore.

I just want it all to be over. Am not really suicidal but no longer have the ability to do this anymore, and really do not want to.

Sometimes it feels like a big pity party and yet so much of it is just reality...something I ran away from in many ways. But at the same time I never had the proper help so I try so hard not to beat myself up too bad...am good at beating myself up.

I cannot help thinking it is too late and if that is true...what now?

I am just barely existing at this point.
 
Not too late. So sorry that you have not had effective help. It sucks that sometimes those we go to for help do more damage. There is good help out there though. It can be overwhelming to find it and keep trying. You are not alone....I have often had these same thoughts and feelings and am on my own as well. I still struggle, but the difference now is that I can feel something besides that at times....I can actually feel joy. So yes, it can and does get better with the right help and work.
 
It gets better slowly. Not as slowly as erosion, but you won't notice it right away. First you will have a break in the hopelessness. Then you will notice that you've had a good day. It goes on like that until the good days outweigh the bad, and you realize you like things.

It takes a lot of work and perserverence, but you can get better.
 
What exactly have you tried to get out of your head??????
 
What I am trying to focus on today is I am not this disease...somehow I have taken it on as my total identity.

Thank-you for your replies...it helps me to know I am not alone although I would not want this for anyone.

We are having a nice day weather wise today so went for a walk. Guess I will take my daily trip to Wal-Mart whether I need to or not!!!!!!!!!!

Also read a lot of the threads here which give me some good feedback.

One foot in front of the other...............with no expectations...oh, those friggin' expectations.....I have such unrealistic expectations of myself....lighten up, girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!

Well, what I have tried to get out of my head is all the abuse I have encountered in my life, and all the bad decisions I have made.

It reads like the rocky mountain horror show...never ending...exchanging one bad situation for another.

That I have survived @ all is a sheer miracle. Have stopped a lot of the harmful habits, but the thinking is a real sticky-wickett.
 
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So what you are basically saying is that you've had no therapy. No CBT, no BDT, no EMDR??? You haven't gone back through your trauma and ripped it apart, felt all the emotions again, all the feelings, looked at every aspect of it and torn it apart????? So basically you've done nothing?!?!?!?

In order to get better I suggest some of the above..... and really commit to it 100% or you will never get better.
 
It will get better....then worse again....then better again.....then worse again.....at least that's been my experience...even having multiple therapeutic options available to me. I've found my breath, my fork, and my environment to be my best healing tools, currently. In addition to purposeful FUN daily movement, lots of nature time, beautiful music and nature sounds, less people time, redirecting my ass kicking harsh self-talk, and removing artificial substances/people from my life as much as humanly possible. I also discovered free talk therapy at the local domestic/sexual abuse shelter that helps get me over the more difficult humps and that also helps as simply being a safe outlet to go share my feelings with, without having to wait until I feel desperately out of touch or until I have enough money to get in the door. Wishing you wellness and relief.
 
When I asked you what you have done, your answer suggested that you haven't done much. That's why I answered they way that I did. If you've done therapy, or DBT or CBT or anything else, then it would have been helpful to say that when I asked you!!!!
 
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