It has seemed like such a long time since the initial intake appt. with trauma counselor. I was on rocky ground before, but I am even worse now. I just cannot seem to get my head out of the past no matter what I do so I kinda have just stopped trying.
My entire life since my father died when I was 11 has been a total nightmare. I am finding it threatening to talk to a counselor about it because I have had some really rotten counselors who only furthered all the crap. I find I am being swallowed up from toxic shame...eaten alive.
I have no safety nets in my life...there is me and that is it...it scares me so much. I have two sisters who could care less...call me a freak, etc. After many years of trying to make it different, I am finally trying to detach completely because it is an illusion in my mind that there is any sort of healthy relationship there for me...trying to stop going back for more of the same stuff.
This all seems so purposeless to me and I cannot for the life of me see anything getting even remotely better. I know the only thing that can really change is the internal landscape...it is such a mess in there. I cannot seem to think a positive thought...it is like I stayed strong and hopeful for so long til I just could not anymore.
I just want it all to be over. Am not really suicidal but no longer have the ability to do this anymore, and really do not want to.
Sometimes it feels like a big pity party and yet so much of it is just reality...something I ran away from in many ways. But at the same time I never had the proper help so I try so hard not to beat myself up too bad...am good at beating myself up.
I cannot help thinking it is too late and if that is true...what now?
I am just barely existing at this point.
My entire life since my father died when I was 11 has been a total nightmare. I am finding it threatening to talk to a counselor about it because I have had some really rotten counselors who only furthered all the crap. I find I am being swallowed up from toxic shame...eaten alive.
I have no safety nets in my life...there is me and that is it...it scares me so much. I have two sisters who could care less...call me a freak, etc. After many years of trying to make it different, I am finally trying to detach completely because it is an illusion in my mind that there is any sort of healthy relationship there for me...trying to stop going back for more of the same stuff.
This all seems so purposeless to me and I cannot for the life of me see anything getting even remotely better. I know the only thing that can really change is the internal landscape...it is such a mess in there. I cannot seem to think a positive thought...it is like I stayed strong and hopeful for so long til I just could not anymore.
I just want it all to be over. Am not really suicidal but no longer have the ability to do this anymore, and really do not want to.
Sometimes it feels like a big pity party and yet so much of it is just reality...something I ran away from in many ways. But at the same time I never had the proper help so I try so hard not to beat myself up too bad...am good at beating myself up.
I cannot help thinking it is too late and if that is true...what now?
I am just barely existing at this point.