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Wishing I Had Wings - Abused as a Child

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by White0nWhite, Sep 12, 2007.

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  1. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    ...so I could have flown away from all that hell ages ago, and not have it come up and haunt me as an adult years later.

    I'd really rather not post my real name, but "StarHawk" suits for this place. I'd rather not post my real name or my Internet nickname just for the sake of keeping this more comfortable for me.

    I'm from Maryland.

    This is gonna be... lengthy..
    I have PTSD. After nearly two years (Starting May 2005) of suffering from some "unknown" chest problems and pains and being treated like a lap rat. Going from the heart doctors to asthma doctors. Only to have them tell me "we can't help, some thing's going wrong with your body, but we don't know how to fix it." I later- for the pure hell of it. Started googling my symptoms with mental conditions. And found some sites on PTSD. I broke down in front of this machine- everything the doctors swore I had or.. could have had and was tested for often got mistaken with this. So my father and I found a good therapist back in February of 2007 and she confirmed and diagnosed me with PTSD. She has taught me how to handle the chest pains. And I can over come them. But these nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks- this constant feeling of that I'm "back in the battle field" seems to disable me more then the bloody chest problems. I SHOULD be sleeping right now but the fear of nightmares after some pretty nasty flashbacks a few hours ago- is keeping me awake.
    To keep is short, for now anyway. I was abused emotionally, physically, and verbally by my mother for 10-13 years of my life. No one in my family knew it was going on until my cousin (my father's brother's son) saw her strike me, some time in 95. He told his family and my dad and his mom asked me about how often it happened. And there I was, sitting down, naive as hell. Telling them everything that was going on and had gone one. Thinking it was all "normal". My father and mother's marriage was falling apart. My father left my mother, and couldn't get custody of me until 1997. Anything before January 8th 1997 is a blur in my mind. Still frames. Memories and feelings only come back in waves.
    I'm almost 24 years old and I really wonder how the hell I've made it this far. I was bullied in school, too, and had a very unpleasant experience with an on and off again partner when I was a teenager. I may be leaving out some parts or missing some things... but I can't sleep... and this is just the ice breaker post.
    I've been through therapy and I really don't think she can help me anymore. This is my own battle, and the expense of going to her would be more then half my weekly paycheck.

    I'm a artist, art is what kept me going all those years I was in hell. I hope to create my own animated series someday, or graphic novel. I have a very developed story in the works.
    I love animals, too. They were always the kindest to me as a child.
     
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Welcome to the forum Star.

    bec
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Welcome to the forum.
     
  5. 2quilt

    2quilt I'm a VIP

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    Welcome

    You have found the right place for healing. This is a wonderful forum. Look around here and read as much as you want to. Many of us don't use our real names for the same reason, and it's perfectly reasonable to be shy about opening up at first. I am a childhood abuse survivor too, and I know how difficult it is to talk about it. But I have to say you have done a fabulous job! This is a wonderful forum filled with people who are willing to listen to you; we all care. Come on in.
     
  6. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Hi Star,

    2quilt summed it up pretty good....So jump on in whenever you are ready. There is a ton of info to read, so put on yer specks if you have any and read till the old eyeballs pop out.....

    Wen
     
  7. susane99

    susane99 Member

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    Welcome StarHawk.

    Susane
     
  8. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    Thank you everybody for the warm welcome. It means a lot to me. It often feels like everything I went through was once in a locked and lost file cabinet in my head, because I repressed it so much, and pushed it so far back. I knew I was abused. But I just repressed anything pre-97.
    Then someone ran into it with a mack truck, and the files when flying all over the place. And I'm slowly trying to figure things out and organize them.
     
  9. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

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    Welcome to the forum!
     
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hi StarHawk, :thumbs-up and Welcome to the forum!

    I too, am a child abuse survivor. Within this forum, I have found so much, so very, very much help. We seem to all support and help one another, through all of our unique understanding, our willingness to do our own healing work on and off the forum and throughout our lives, and through reading a great deal of educated materials on just what PTSD is, its nature, the hope and its course. (Treated or Untreated)

    SkyHawk, I'm glad you found us. Reading what I put in quotes above, I must say, blew my mind a bit. I have an older sister, whom she too lived through so much of the hell of our child abuse. Without a single doubt ! she too has PTSD, but last I knew she's yet to know this. We are not in touch with one another, nor have been for quite sometime. She use to express to me exactly what I put into quotes of yours, except her memories are likely still locked in her file cabinets. And, she is so very ill.

    Please SkyHawk, consider yourself very fortunate to know of what you have and continue to find out both here, within yourself and in your life, about what you can do with PTSD, just how to do it, and why and then ........................

    ..........I hope you choose the (healing)work.

    All My Best to You,
    Hope
     
  11. mortiis31

    mortiis31 Active Member

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    Hi there, from a fellow artist, and PTSD sufferer!
    X
     
  12. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    Thanks goingonhope and Mort. :3 Mort, I heard that you're a writer. I am too!

    I'm feeling really comfortable here. (forums usually make me so nervous!). I've been reading other peoples stories here.. and.. it just feels better.. or just less lonely in some way. It means a lot to me that people care so much. I hope I can help others too. I read it's hard for people with PTSD to keep jobs. But so far- I've been able to hold mine. I hope I can help others in that way.

    My father, though a great guy and the one who got me away from that hell hole of his ex-wife's... (my mother). Often doesn't understand what it's like for me. I can't blame him because he had a wonderful childhood, and he can't imagine what mine was like, when I was alone with my mom. His motto is that it was "so long ago" and that I should be over it. Because we have a relatively nice house on the water- stuff many people would kill for. I should be overwhelmed with joy. And I am, I'm very grateful for what we have. But it's the symptoms of my condition that makes me upset, it's not me, it's the disorder. I just wish there was some way to make him understand that.


    (Some what related, but a question about the forum.. She_Missy instant messaged me over some program connected to the forum, but I didn't get her IMs until hours later. I'd be more then happy to exchange my AIM name with people, but I've yet been able to view peoples profiles and note them with my AIM name.. so.. yeah I though I'd just say that. Because I hope Shy_Missy knows I was not ignoring her at all. The program didn't notify me until hours later with her IMs.)
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Starhawk, welcome to the forum.
     
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