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Woke Up Screaming Again

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Ellabella44

MyPTSD Pro
hmm well to me in my dream it was screaming. talked a bit about my mother real early this morning.. thought id go back to sleep for a bit since still drowsy and i had fallen asleep on my own last night, figured id soak it up. Nope wrong thing to talk about her before any type of going to sleep.... dreamed about going to a family gathering, where im younger than now, late teens , maybe the age my mother and step father sent me to have an abortion. gradually the place starts filling with mylar angel and snowman balloons. little cousins become a pain, I really have no space to myself since everyone is everywhere. i grouch at everyone, cover myself in a blanket and just try to find a place to myself....

Sigh then my mother is there ...... she starts asking why i dont love her. she starts saying the things i said she said the last few holidays i remember with her.... "how could you tell us to turn out the light on that nice guy you dated , K, and say he will go away after a while with it off, he was out there crying?" (he was an alcoholic and he slapped me once on my knees ... hard, once was all it took I couldnt marry him ) your temper is like your fathers, how can you be like him? (so what if it is, its yours as well, look in the mirror for once) why are you so cold hearted sometimes ? (d*mn you, if you showed me actual love , and kept it warm, I wouldnt have ice there instead where you are concearned ) (If you dont like your monster, frankenstein.... you made me this way and i know you hate seeing me look at you like i did back then again)

at end of this convo, we get to me telling her off for my baby. all the things i wish i could say to her face... The house is full of the mylar balloons now, and she screams things at me while my step father tries to hug me. I scream back you cant take this back, this will never be fixed.. i run, baloons popping and falling on the floor, making me trip and slide trying to get away from him, last thing i want is to be touched. I start screaming hoping someone in the house hears me , but its the baloons and them left. I have nowhere to turn. I wake up whimpering.. to me i was screaming and im trying so hard to do it.

different dream but ive had one similar theme, this time i woke up screaming about this instead of a trauma dream, but it bothers me as much. My husband left the room , and went grocery shopping. yes im ok with him not trying to wake me from the dream or hold me after i woke up from it. Even if he wanted to, ive told him sometimes if im upset right thing is to just leave me alone and ill deal. its my comfort zone. I put on my rings while he showered and one of my grounding stones i have on a necklace and jsut stayed there breathing.....

I want to shut these things off before i end up screaming. I dont want to wake him in case its a day hes working.

as a kid i pulled my brother out of the way when my father would go after my mom, getting him in a room to keep him safe.... and standing there to protect him in case our father went after us... I have trouble standing down from that. I feel i have to protect my husband and kids from my nightmares. I need new tools to use so I can let go and allow something to help me fight these off. my daughter knew i had a nightmare.. some good i am at keeping it from her lol... she rubbed my hand and im much better now. still i want to do something so these dont own me.
 
That sucks. I don't know what to say other than I am really sad that you have those nightmares. It is hard to keep focused during "real time" when your asleep time was spent fending off scariness.
 
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