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Relationship Words Of Advice? Struggling With What "normal" Looks Like

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My husband is suffering from PTSD from a tour in the Gulf in 2006. We have been together for 13 years. We have two daughters; 5 1/2 years and 7 months. Things really started to spiral toward the end of my last pregnancy and haven't really come back to normal. I am not convinced things will ever be better right now actually.

He has been seeing a trauma therapist weekly for a few months. I only found out that they were reprocessing trauma in therapy a couple of weeks ago, until then I really had no idea what the heck was going on, but our home and family situation had been . . . uncomfortably unstable.

He has been isolating huge and blaming me for everything that is wrong with our life, our relationship and for his trauma. He is only ok if I don't talk to him at all. He has been telling me it is nearly over for us every time he gets angry, but won't tell me why. The last few weeks he hasn't touched me, if I try to talk to him about anything he flies off the handle. We mutually decided that perhaps he needed to take some time alone after his sessions after he put his fist through our bedroom door, but now he doesn't come home until the next morning or the next afternoon. Every week he's gone for at least 24 hours. If I ask something to him about where he goes or what he does all he'll breaks loose. I am apparently not entitled go know. We plug along and then three days later he will flip out about something I say and tell me that I am his problem, that I am making him crazy. Then right around the time things start to settle down he has another session and the whole ugly cycle starts all over again.

I am having a really difficult time not taking this personally and an even harder time explaining or justifying why he doesn't come home to our oldest daughter, but also to myself. I feel so so so alone. He told me in one of his rages that the only reason he hadn't left me was our girls. My feelings about any of this, or about how mean and nasty he has been to me , literally, aren't a factor in the dialogue. He says he "doesn't care." We have our second session with a marriage counselor this morning and he didn't come home last night and when I text him he ignored me .

I truly want him to get the help he needs and deal with this junk he has been packing around for 8 years, and I am proud of him for finally facing it at all. And I have told him that, but he just tells me I am being condescending and that I don't give a crap about him.

I am trying really hard to hang back and just give him the space he needs, but it is really hard when there is part if me saying this is a really abusive situation and that after everything we have been through together I should be entitled to expect at least a little common decency from him. I don't know how to make boundaries about that. And, it feels a little like if I put up any more walls there will never be a chance for us to recover our relationship. He says he loves me, but he isn't acting like he even wants to share oxygen with me and he is mean to me in front of the kids. Who does that to someone they love?

I have read a ton on this site, but I just don't know which end is up right now. Is this typical behavior? I fear my perspective is missing in action so any insights would be greatly appreciated.
 
I am a sufferer.

He sounds quite abusive from what you describe. I am concerned that this therapist jumped right into the trauma without ensuring he had good coping skills in place. It concerns me when people post about processing so shortly after starting to see a new therapist as the focus really needs to be on learning these valuable skills so that everything doesn't turn south as it seems to have done here.

I'm not sure exactly what you can do. No, this is not "normal" or acceptable behavior for a sufferer. I guess it depends on how far gone you feel things are. You could try to talk to him, but somehow I think that will go nowhere. If things are to a point of desperation, you could contact his therapist to let him/her know that he isn't coping well and is being abusive, but I caution against doing this unless it's a last ditch effort as it really could backfire----but, it may come down to having no other choice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some clients are REALLY good at hiding things from their therapist. This therapist may not even know how badly your husband reacts after a session. The other possibility is that this is an incompetent therapist who threw your husband into the deep end of the pool without teaching him how to swim first, and your husband, being the client, can't discern a good therapist from a bad one so he just keeps going because he gets SOMETHING out of these sessions.
 
I am concerned that this therapist jumped right into the trauma without ensuring he had good coping skills in place.

I agree with Solara here. I have been in weekly therapy for 2 months and we are nowhere close to talking about the 'hard stuff'. I questioned her about it a couple of weeks in and she told me she wants to work on getting my anxiety under control and giving me some coping skills before we delve in too deep. In full disclosure, I have not been diagnosed with PTSD at this point, but she is still working on figuring me out and I wouldn't be surprised if eventually that comes up.

you could contact his therapist to let him/her know that he isn't coping well and is being abusive

I actually think this would be a good idea. Write a letter to his therapist and let them know your concerns and what is going on at home. I doubt if he is telling his therapist how processing these memories are affecting his home life and how he is taking it out on you. Therapists only get a one hour glimpse into his life and only get the information he gives them. It might help the therapist with his treatment plan if they knew and they could possibly slow things down a little and work on coping skills. Let them know that you would appreciate their discretion in this matter as he would likely feel betrayed if he knew you contacted his therapist without his knowledge. Normally, I wouldn't suggest this but I think that you and your children might be at risk.

The other possibility is that this is an incompetent therapist who threw your husband into the deep end of the pool without teaching him how to swim first

This is another possibility. Not all therapists are good and even if they are, they might not be the right fit for him. Try contacting them, don't expect them to respond or start a dialogue with you, just let them know what you are seeing. Let them go from there. If things continue to spiral downward, possibly suggest a change in therapists. But remember, this is a big step because he is going to have to start completely over with building trust with someone else.
 
@Combat Wife 2006
This sounds like a really horrible situation. PTSD never excuses abuse and what he is doing is abusive and abandoning and just horrible. Many people with PTSD do not act out against their loved ones. Doing trauma processing work can lead to decompensation so that could be fueling some of this. It sounds like this behavior has been going on for some months before he started doing the trauma processing work, and is getting worse now? He certainly does not sound stable enough to be doing trauma processing work.

PTSD or not, this kind of behavior is the responsibility of the person doing it, and is a sign they are not stable in one way or another. For a father to repeatedly abandon his young children every week is pretty severe. That alone could have a serious impact on their development.

My trauma therapist is relentless about asking detailed questions about my life. She makes me give examples... but she does this partly because I told her about past attempts to process trauma and how things got intense elsewhere in my life.

Ideally, the therapist would know from him what's going on, but I agree with others, it's also very possible he has not told the therapist he is struggling at home. He may not even see what he is doing is his problem.

I would also suggest perhaps some kind of boundaries in place about this kind of behavior - but usually setting boundaries will lead to things getting worse at first and with little kids in the home, having a lot of support and safety planning for you would be a really good idea. I'm so glad you are seeing a marriage therapist. Do they know about all of this? Do they communicate with your husband's individual therapist at all? This might be another way to go about letting your husband's therapist know there are some very severe problems going on.

That all being said, the level of coldness and lack of care for your pain and the impact of his own abusive behaviors sounds like a terrible thing to be enduring. I'm so sorry he's being a really horrible husband and dad. I hope you can get the help and support you need to get through this in the safest way possible.
 
Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments! So so much. Really. The idea that his trauma therapy might not be being handled well by the therapist never would have occurred to me just because I know so little about it.

We actually spent our couples session yesterday discussing coping skills. Our therapist is obviously concerned about his lack of them and has asked for permission to speak with his trauma therapist directly. He was suppose to talk to his therapist this week about that, but he didn't. I am a little concerned that my husband may not be disclosing to his therapist fully what is going on, like you suggest, but then I am not there so it is purely speculation. He just seems resistant to the idea of having them speak to one another. While I think the therapists should definitely be in communication with one another , I can't reach out to therapist personally. Not only would it completely send my husband off the deep end because I would be invading his space, I don't even have the contact information for the office where he is going. All I know is that it is suppose to be reputable. Otherwise , I "got nothin." It seems clear to me a coordinated approach would be beneficial though. And I will be following up with my husband about making sure he talks to his therapist at his next session.

I read a bunch yesterday about the process of trauma therapy and it does seem like he has been thrown into the deep end of the pool. In fact, I think that sums up the shape of things quite well.

That said, I have been doing some work and realize that I have a tendency to push a conversation when my needs aren't getting met (which is all the time lately). That pushing has been complicating our ability to communicate significantly because his stress cup just completely overflows and he blows his top. But now that I know I have been doing it and how it manifests I feel confident that I can address it when those situations come up. So, hopefully that will help.

Doesn't solve the needs-not-getting- met part, but it at least addresses the trying-to-keep-an-even-keel-at-home situation.

@Justmehere Please forgive my ignorance, what is decompensation in this context? Can you articulate that for me and/or direct me to a resource?
 
I mean decompensation in the sense of a loss of function in light of stressors and problems. I.e. his stress cup is full so he's losing his ability to cope in more healthy ways and instead blowing his top off, or running away by abandoning you and his children.

If someone is compensating well, like compensating well for a broken leg, then they are finding ways to function and keep up with life despite the broken leg. If they are not compensating well, it means they don’t have the tools or crutches they need to keep doing life well.

It sounds like your husband was compensating better at some point with the pain he has from trauma, and now with a second child and the stressor of PTSD symptoms and trauma therapy, he isn’t coping well anymore.
We actually spent our couples session yesterday discussing coping skills. Our therapist is obviously concerned about his lack of them and has asked for permission to speak with his trauma therapist directly.
That’s good! If they haven’t done it this week, hopefully they will do it soon.
And I will be following up with my husband about making sure he talks to his therapist at his next session.
That said, I have been doing some work and realize that I have a tendency to push a conversation when my needs aren't getting met (which is all the time lately). That pushing has been complicating our ability to communicate significantly because his stress cup just completely overflows and he blows his top.
I am going to play the metaphorical devil’s advocate for a moment – please bear with me. Sometimes people learn from childhood or developmental trauma that they need to keep secrets to be safe. It’s a maladaptive coping skill. I’m not sure if this can happen with combat PTSD, but I can see how under any kind of perceived threat, all kinds of things maladaptive ways of coping can come up. In trauma therapy, the therapeutic alliance (the sense that the client feels like the therapist is their ally) is the number one factor in the therapy working or not. It’s more important and predictive of success than even the type of therapy. Trauma therapy involves being extremely vulnerable. It can feel like putting my very existence and life in their hands.

He is being a complete jerk to you and NOTHING, absolutely nothing, makes that ok or your fault. Not one bit. He is responsible for his own actions and behaviors which are way out of line.

It’s hard to imagine myself ever doing some of the things he is doing… but if I was to try to put myself in your husband’s shoes, if I was taking off and repeatedly abandoning my spouse and young children without telling them where I am going (which I can’t imagine doing, but just follow me here), if I was in trauma and marriage therapy and resisting having my marriage therapist or my spouse talking to my trauma therapist, and if I was blowing up whenever I felt pushed by my spouse…I am probably not going to be very receptive to my spouse’s encouragement or “making sure” what I should talk to my trauma therapist about in regards to how badly I am coping.

I'm just trying to think of what is the most effective way to encourage him to change, and I think you are beginning to pick up on that it's probably not going to be by you pushing him in his therapy. He's already resisting that in huge ways.

I think perhaps you might have more success working with the marriage therapist talking to the trauma therapist rather than you making sure your husband talks about how badly he is coping.

In the end, it’s going to be up to your husband to take the steps needed to be honest with his own therapist and take responsibility for his own behaviors and healing. He is responsible for his abusive behaviors. You can’t change him. The only person who can is himself. The only person you can change is you. I know you probably know this, but this is a hard truth my own therapist has had to remind me of too.

Maybe a good way you can encourage him to change is to keep doing your own work and being carefully honest with him and your marriage counselor about how his actions are affecting you. Then leave it up to him to get the support he needs to change or not. I think this might (and I may be WAY off track) be the most possible way for you to get your own needs in the relationship met in the future I fear that if you pour all your efforts into him getting help, you will exhaust both of you and he will push back more and nothing will improve. You have professionals in place, and it sounds like they have permission to communicate, and hopefully as you continue to be frank and honest yourself with the marriage therapist about how badly things are going, they will talk with each other on how to best help support your husband. It’s their job to help you all and that would be a huge part of doing that.

One of the very biggest and most important things supporters can do for suffers is to take care of themselves and their needs, which includes (and is not limited to) being honest in the relationship about what you need from him in the relationship – and I think you are well on your way down the path towards doing more of these things.
 
Thank You @Justmehere! This is truly helpful. I agree that pushing my husband to do anything right now is a bad idea. I was simply thinking about reminding him of what he said he would do, but through your perspective that could be pushing and there is no winning for me in that scenario. He did say that he would discuss coordination with his trauma therapist this week. Hopefully he does it. I shouldn't need to remind him anyway, right? ;)

And yes, doing my own work and using the therapist as a forum to be "carefully honest" is my plan of action.

A little success over the weekend in our session together seems to have at least put a more cooperative face on things so far this week. I am crossing my fingers we can make it a whole week without an episode. Holy cow, that would feel like a frickin' vacation!

Thanks again!
 
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