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Would It Be Less Upsetting To Be Upset?

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
First, I'm feeling a bit fragile, so please be gentle with me. I'm also aware that because of that fragility my thinking may not be straight, so if you think I'm wrong, do say so - gently.

I did the second part of a three session assessment yesterday. This was very specifically not looking at past traumas, just at the way I live now. As usual in therapy or assessments I was generally calm, thoughtful measured. On the way home I was thinking about why it still felt so triggering, and why I was now shivering as I walked, with virulent self hatred following me along the footpath.

It occurred to me that it might be because that is how I reacted in each traumatic situation. I don;t think the other person/people would have seen signs of distress. Even in a situation where I was under age, so legally couldn't consent, I do remember the phrase "Oh, so you really didn't want to"

So am I actually triggering myself by not showing / experiencing emotion? Might it be less distressing to be upset in therapy?
 
Might it be less distressing to be upset in therapy?
Yes? It seems like, for therapy to really work, it ought to be one place where believe you can actually feel however it is you feel, without it being dangerous. It might FEEL dangerous and all that, but that doesn't mean it is, you know? I don't know if you're 'triggering' yourself by not expressing how you really feel in therapy, but I'm pretty sure you're making it harder, in a way and not giving yourself the chance to work on dealing with those feelings. (I said 'in a way' because I've found expressing things can be hard in itself.)
I don;t think the other person/people would have seen signs of distress.
Don't be tempted to take that to mean anything was your fault because you didn't express your distress strongly enough. As a minor, it was up to the adult to play by the rules, no matter WHAT you expressed. As an adult? It's just a fact that a lot of people don't care how other people feel, period. It's possible someone along the way might have acted differently, if they'd known how you felt. Also possible it wouldn't have mattered. Also possible they had a pretty good idea how you felt and didn't care. All that is water under the bridge, you have to deal with the results, that's what matters. now.
why I was now shivering as I walked, with virulent self hatred following me along the footpath.
Was there something specific that set that off?
 
I love this forum - it helps but the connection makes me break down and get deoressed. It seems every time I get so scared and cognitive dissonance is so strong I run to this info to feel I'm not alone - then I regret it cause I get so triggered and depressed. I'm trying so hard to hold on for my kids, and my financial situation may find me homeless soon, and since I was homeless on streets at your In gate without any family - that thoughts trigger me too. I just feel so lost after 25 months now of discovering I have CPTSD and depression I'm still only barely able to take care of my kids (50/50 custody) and so bad at self care, I don't seem to be able to recover. I'm so great at taking care of my kids, give them my last leaf (the giving tree my favorite because ok as a child, just didn't know why it made me so incredibly sad and touched - it's cause I related to giving absolutely everything of myself to prove my love and thatvim a good person, but giving so much it kills me.. also wishing so badly to have a person in my childhood that I felt would give to me out of that LOVE and true caring I craved so intensely - it touched that hollow, Barron, empty pit of nervousness and sorrow in my stomach every single day.. screaming for a hug but y never dare ask for one, cause I didn't know how) I love all survivors - I fought so hard in my life and made something from nothing - and seeing that slip away, as it is my only and biggest source of my strength and pride- And likely killing me. Sorry everyone
 
I have to admit that I am very much like you in this!! After each session, with my previous psychologist, I would leave shaking and near tears! I knew we were making improvements, but it just seemed to be going much too slow, for me anyway. I understand that it's a process, but I'd been in psychologists offices since I was 13 years old, off and on! So, I transferred to a different doctor, a female, who I just clicked with and I was given access to their group therapy sessions. This was good for me, being able to communicate properly and listen to the struggles of my peers! After a year of one-on-one and group therapy, I was given the opportunity to do a course in CPT (cognitive processing therapy). This is an intense therapy in which one fills out daily forms as they focus on 1) traumas and their details, 2) the people involved in the traumas, 3) misplaced fault, and 4) the true possibilities of the situation!
 
In answer to your question, yes it might be more productive for you to allow yourself to be upset in therapy. Apart from the cathartic nature of being upset, tearful etc it can really help your T to know how the work needs to be paced.

By way of example, I would never let anyone know how I was feeling, I could be climbing the walls with anxiety but if I didn't want you to know, you wouldn't. The problem was I'd arrive in therapy looking all fine and calm but triggered half to hell and would end up completely overwhelmed early in the session but still not showing it. My T knew I wasn't ok but couldn't figure out why or what I needed. By being upset and letting her see how anxious I get, she knows the signs of it getting to be too much and slow down or help me ground myself.

The other benefit is that the energy I use to hide and mask my feelings is better used in actually engaging in therapy. In ways it's harder, and I totally feel more vulnerable, but therapy is way more safe and productive.
 
@Suzetig - gosh i feel like youve just described me in T !

@Sandstone , i would agree with the comments. Being upset and let it out in a safe and supportive environment .
I wish you well on your healing journey.
 
I don't think I can have expressed myself clearly, which wouldn't surprise me at all. Or perhaps I'm not reading what people mean. I know I've got a lot going round in my head and I'm not fully focussed.

What I was trying to ask is - Am I triggering myself by being calm in a session? Because that was how I was when abused, is it actually a true trigger?
So in answer to the question,
Was there something specific that set that off?
That was what I was trying to work out as I walked, and the idea that it could be a triggered response seemed to fit. I was aware that I had to keep my focus away from past trauma, and keeping myself away from the experience is what I did at the time. I didn't actually know what those feelings were to express them.

(I wasn't asking about whether it would be cathartic, or therapeutic, or communicative to emote in therapy. The answer to those, for me, right now, is that it might be, or it might be beyond me and risky)
 
Don't worry about it. I think I wrote in a way that wasn't clear. I always struggle to phrase good titles, and this one is wrong.
 
Ah, I get you - I guess it's possible that using the same strategies now as you did then could be quite triggering, I've not thought about that before but it might explain something i notice about myself from time to time. Let me give it some thought...
 
"Am I triggering myself by being calm in a session? Because that was how I was when abused, is it actually a true trigger?" - no not necessarily because in session you are calm but are not being abused. It could give you benefits by exposure for instance.
 
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