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Would "normals" Find Therapy Difficult?

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ghotiff

MyPTSD Pro
I've been with my current T for over a year now and I like her and trust her but I keep finding myself hiding and lying to her.

They are not big lies, just little softening of truths, and moving out discussions off topics that expose how I truly feel. An example, She asked how I felt about last session. The correct anwser is that I felt very embarrassed and shame...what I said though was that I tried not to think about it (which is also true, but not the real anwser).

Is there a point to therapy if I can't be honest. We haven't even got to discussing my traumas yet, so I'm lying over non-trauma feelings.

Therapy is absolutely no fun, it's expensive and I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere.

I suppose my question is - would everyone find exposing their true feelings difficult?
 
Everyone? Probably not. People are different. Some people probably find it easy or relieving to finally have someone to tell. Meanwhile other people aren't as far along as you are (you know what you're feeling; embarrassed and ashamed, even if you're having trouble verbalizing it), and a lot of people aren't there, yet; either they don't know what they're feeling, or can't verbalize it at all, even softening truths. Meanwhile others who are completely incapable of either.

That it's a challenge for you IS something to work out in therapy & it's actually great that it's happened before talking trauma-stuff. Because it means you can work out a system with your T for what to do when you hit that block & are deflecting or telling half truths, or are unable to speak at all!

<grin> It really is a good thing it's happened here & now! :D Predictable is preventable. Imagine if this part had been easy, then you got to trauma stuff and this hit? Not only the difficulty you're facing now, but also while dealing with the super hard stuff? Ugh. This way? You'll be able to get a good set of coping mechanisms in place as well as protocols for what to do in advance. Good stuff!
 
would everyone find exposing their true feelings difficult?
I do. Did. Do. It's a work in progress. What I've noticed happens with me, is I will avoid really speaking my mind on things that come up, sometimes little, sometimes big, and after a handful of weeks, maybe 5/6, it has become this big pile of things and I end up spilling them all over the floor. I always feel better afterwards.

I really only noticed the pattern in the last few months, so now I'm trying to work on it. You probably know that feeling of changing what you are thinking to something that seems 'softer' - when you catch yourself doing it, just try and back up and say what was actually on your mind. It's also a really good topic to talk with your T about, because they might not know you are doing it.
 
That it's a challenge for you IS something to work out in therapy & it's actually great that it's happened before talking trauma-
Yes, I very much agree and this is why I'm going so slowly and not diving into the trauma. Little things come out, but we are not focusing on it.

when you catch yourself doing it, just try and back up and say what was actually on your mind.
Thanks for your comments, I am becoming more aware of what I truly feel and this is progress (that I at times forget as it's subtle). I can't yet say it out loud and expose myself that way. I have ocassionally texted my T to tell her after a session where I "lied" but it seems silly to do it for the smaller stuff like this weeks main one.

Maybe I'm just having a pity party today. I just wish I could be healed without having to do all the hard stuff. It's just so hard, and takes so long, and there is no clear path to follow.
 
I think it's a very personal process. Some find it very hard and others find it easy. I personally find a mix of these. I find therapy a relief and a major stabilizing factor in my life. Therapy helps me understand and make find solutions to things that I struggle with. It also provides a nurturing consistent person who is a healthy role model and rock in my life. It feels good to be able to tell her everything and not hold back. Even still I do feel anxiety or shame in therapy sometimes. I can also remember times earlier in therapy revealing traumas that I wanted to sink into the ground or I just cried all the time and felt very disconnected. You might get more comfortable over time. Now even if I'm scared I would tell my T anything because she's proven her trust to me.
 
would everyone find exposing their true feelings difficult?

No.

I can sit here and tell people my true feelings on just about anything......that is, anything BUT the trauma. Well, now its much better, but at one point I couldn't say anything at all.

So follow this......if I can talk about anything but the trauma......and normies have no trauma, it stands to reason that there are people out there who don't have problems talking about their feelings at all. Right?

Of course its all on a spectrum. Some people hold it all in and don't talk about anything. Others put it all out there for everyone to see. But most lie somewhere in between....

Try not to beat yourself up. I think its natural.... Did you have to hide your true feelings as a child? I know that I had to hide certain things because of my highly judgmental mother, so that did indeed lead to me feeling like I had to please everyone.....and thus I wouldn't be exactly forthcoming with my feelings on certain issues.

So maybe try working at the root? Explain to your therapist that you CAN'T tell her the truth., and go from there.
 
How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. There is no page in the DSM marked normal. It does not exist. So if they are at the shrink and they want to change, the thing bothering them is hard to talk about. Yes, everybody should have trouble talking about what brought them in, or else they wouldn't be "normal".
 
I think it's a spectrum. Some people seem pretty open about their experiences, emotion, what have you. I'm always more suspicious of that in a way because I appear to be an open book, even with my trauma. It's just the things I do keep to myself are relatively few, but you'll never get them out of me.

You know how once in a while there's a post about how it can be somewhere between painful and frustrating to deal with other people's problems? Because the world is falling down around someone due to something that might seem like no big deal? That may be really hard for them to talk about.

Or, it may be the little sentimental things that a person will never bring up, so you'll never know.

I think most people minimize their feelings or have been taught along the line it's not okay to be open. That's fairly cultural. I also think a lot of people don't really know what they're feeling or mislabel it. At least we're working on the disconnects.
 
Is there a point to therapy if I can't be honest. We haven't even got to discussing my traumas yet, so I'm lying over non-trauma feelings.

I think its a pretty natural thing to do. Lots of people tell lies or half truths for lots of different reasons. To make themselves look happier or better or more normal or because of embarrassment…or loads of other reasons.

Maybe it would help to think about why you feel you lie to her. Are you worried about how she will react, what she will think of you or maybe your worried about upsetting her or hurting her feelings.

If your T knows why you feel you can't tell her the truth about something no matter how little then she can either reassure or challenge your thinking so that you don't feel you need to do that.

So for instance, I have lied to T before because I was worried he would be angry with me. Once he knew this he reassured me that he wouldn't be angry with me and that he has never been and that even if he felt angry he is able to control his emotions and nothing bad would happen to me. It didn't change things over night but the more i'm able to tell him why the more he is able to challenge my false beliefs or worries.
 
Maybe it would help to think about why you feel you lie to her. Are you worried about how she will react, what she will think of you or maybe your worried about upsetting her or hurting her feelings.

Yes, this is the important question. It makes me feel vulnerable to have someone know how I truly feel, but the next level of this is less clear. This question is something I think I can explore, maybe even in therapy. Thanks
 
I also think the why question is really important. I had someone in my life a while ago who I was having so much trouble being honest with about certain things. It was like a road block in our relationship and I couldn't tackle it. However, that's the approach my T took trying to help me with it. Once I really found out more I could prepare myself with other ways of getting the need that was my reason met and I no longer had challenges with that person. I hope you can explore it with your T because there's a lot of good work that can be done with that information.
 
For me, shame always feels like a trauma feeling. On the surface it can look like embarrassment over something small, but once the shame starts to come up there's something deeper triggered. I've always frozen and shied away at those moments. Difficult, I used to completely clam up and get confused. Now I recognize what's happening pretty quickly.
 
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