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You Try To Be Nice... What Do Other Spouses Do?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by sarah, Sep 14, 2006.

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  1. sarah

    sarah New Member

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    I was wondering what kind of methods other spouses use to try to make peace w/ their significant others when your in one of those awkward not talking phases????

    Last Night I made my husband a sandwich to bring to work w/ him in the morning (something I only do occasionally he usually loves it) and wrote him a note that there is a sandwich in the fridge for him and to have a good day!

    I woke up this morning and the sandwich was still in the fridge and the note in the trash...hahaha I am starting to find this a little funny...and what a stubborn mule!!! I know he wanted that sandwich. :rofl:
     
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  3. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    I cry alot... it doesnt help us but thats what i do for release...To make peace with him when we are not talking? well im sitting here...and i cant think of anything...i guess i leave him alone (eventually) and he comes around and talks to me like he normally would later in the day..or vise versa... Its almost as if he tries to start over and pretend nothing happened...even when/if i am still bothered....but what can ya do?

    Somebody correct me if i am wrong but i have learned here that time and space has alot to do with things getting better between spouses. Dont mean to sound dumb and act as if it is not obvious but i find it hard to deal with...I am a very impatient person :(

    I really dont think what your husband did is funny...
    i would be hurt more than anything (and i am sure you are) considering you dont always do that for him and you know he loves it... You did it to show him you still care and I see that you are trying...

    i need help on this one...
    grrrr im not having such a good day. I dont feel very "positive" today :(
     
  4. sarah

    sarah New Member

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    Andrea

    Oh Andrea,
    I am sorry that you cry so much..I get that "Lets pretend like nothing happen thing" also! but, i guess thats how stubborn they are about making things right. I know its hard to be like "HEY! I'm still upset by what just happened between us! Lets talk about it, when he's over it. They like to make up on their own terms I've noticed." I guess maybe men are like that???or maybe marines are like that??haha ..I'm just trying to cheer you up a bit....I don't have the answer...all I can do now is laugh about it cause its soooo stupid and he's trying to be mean. I really am not hurt by it....I will eat the sandwich myself, rite now actually(hes the one missing out)...he does these types of things to me all the time....I am use to it..but at least he knows I care. Try not to let it bother you so much hun...I use to cry all the the time too like you....but, I just got tired of it and grew a tougher skin. You have to know in your heart that he loves you too..he's just having a hard time w/ whats going on w/ him to show it. I don't know if that helps a little, but I am here for you girl....:dontknow:
     
  5. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    i was just gonna say that...you soooo read my mind... not only are they men (thats bad enough) but they are marines too....gosh.... eat your freakin sandwich that im sure is so yummy :) i just wish i was more like you and less like me. I am not that strong.
    Well somebody needs to speak up in here because now you and i both need answers!
    And i still dont think its right that he does not show you he appreciates you...dont be his punching bag. thanks for cheering me up hon :)
     
  6. DesertDweller

    DesertDweller Active Member

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    Ladies,

    This is from the other point of view but my 2 cents nonetheless,

    I think dealing with these situations takes very little action but alot of patience. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let the situation die, if you give the person enough room to calm down and start "thinking" about the situation things will be better. When I blow up I really need to be left alone for a few minutes and I am fine shortly after. It is only when I feel we are beating a dead horse and a conversation is getting lengthy and repetetive that I get frustrated. We need room sometimes, and if we need to talk we will come to you. I think there is such a thing as "over helping", when we do try to ge that alone time but feel overwhelmed by someone constantly asking you what is wrong it can make the situation worse because we are not given that cool off time. I know its hard to back off when you care, but you kinda have to let us help our selves our own ways.

    There is no intention to make you anyones punching bag. Sometimes things are done out of frustration and anger gets the best of us. For example, the sandwhich situation, I am sure he wanted that sandwhich really bad but by tossing the note and not eating the sandwhich he basically just told you that he was still upset without having to talk. I do things like that all the time. I know it can be a bit frustrating when you need closure and you dont get it. In our eyes its more like this is one less thing that I want to be bothered with and have to talk about. As guys an Marines especially you are not acustomed to talk about your problems, so that being a factor aswell makes it that much more challenging, but arent Marines worth it? :smile:
     
  7. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Hey DesertDweller,
    I agree with the whole needing space thing thats why i mentioned it in my first post when answering Sarah's question about methods that other spouses use to try to make peace w/ their significant others when they are in one of those awkward not talking phases????

    Yup they do need a lot of room, but i have also notice that eventually he will start coming to you once you have backed off a bit. One thing i suggest to people with PTSD is letting the person know you need to cool off and have alone time so that nobody feels they are being pushed away in a bad way and get their feelings hurt. Because yes, sometimes when you feel we are "over-helping" we feel i haven't done the right thing to help him yet so i have to keep going. So a "hey im not upset with you, im just a bit overwhelmed right now and i need some time to cool off" doesnt sound too horrible to me....its all about how good the communication is

    This seems so childish to me... if someone is upset why not just come out and say it...or better yet talk about why you are upset and how it can be better? and get it over with! I dont see why someone would have to "hint" that they are upset....
    And of course Marines are worth it lol i hope that was a joke! ;)
     
  8. Kims_Man

    Kims_Man Active Member

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    Answers. Boy, aren't we all seeking those! This whole PTSD thing is pretty new to me, althought I have been experiencing it's more interesting sides for the past 5 years. BUT....I have been a guy for a long, long (long!) time, and can give you an answer or two about that.

    Sarah, guys fix things. That's what we do in place of talking. You come to us with a problem and our first impulse is to fix it. We don't want to talk about it, we just want to act. It isn't anything bad, not as far as we're concerned. It's what we are here for. In the beginning of time, you told us you were hungry, we went out and killed something. Today, you tell us you're cold, we get up and turn the heat up, or throw another log on the fire. That's just what we do. We don't talk. Not that we can't, it's just that we don't. I have an ex-wife that was convinced that there was a word bank that men and women have. Women have hundreds of thousands of words in their daily word bank, and men have about 250. We use up those 250, and then have to wait till the next day to refill it. So, don't feel bad when talking is not what we want to do. It's not in our genes.

    Sorry that doesn't answer all of your questions, but maybe this will give you something to chew over, and you can find something in there that will help move you in the right direction.
    Take care, Warren
     
  9. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I do it to my husband. He is understanding so I am lucky. He sits in on some of my appointments to help him understand. I do unreasonable blow ups. It is not nature of the beast to sit and say I need space sweetly man or woman. We are working on it. I let little things irritate me and fester and fester until I blow at nonsense. I try to supress getting pissed until it all goes everywhere and have panic attacks.

    Until anger is addressed in therapy and worked on I don't know what you can do. My doc is finding and bringing out I am feeling "not good enough" I am not on top of my game being super mom and pulling in almost $100,000 a year like I used to. I was capable of doing it while self medicating. Now that I don't and am losing the scripts also I can barely function and when he goes that extra mile at times I perceive it as just more thing I cannot do for myself and it makes me angry, who do I let loose on? The one I see making me feel like I am not good enough though I am trying to accept the fact that is my opinion not that of my husband. But that is how my head works.

    I can understand how silence can be cut with a knife, and I know it is caused by me. But I need the space and silence. With my way of thinking it takes me a long time to finally come around to the same conclusion as my spouse did hours or the day before. Thinking process just is not the same. And yes, I act as if nothing happened and he is way over being pissed at me anymore and lets it go. But the last thing I want to do is rehash it and get fired up again, I just know I screwed up and want to move on from there. He knows me on a deep level and like I said sitting in every once in a while on a session to address this can do wonders when the doc puts a spin on it to help you understand.

    Space can be hard, but it is needed. If I don't get mine when I need it my house could be leveled! Look at this way, he is doing you a favor avoiding you while he feels like this, otherwise it would just be taken out on you. I still don't understand at times I can act the way I do or why my mind sees things differently than what is actually happening. But in time I hope to see it improve, I am working on it... If it helps I don't know, but I hope it helps some.
     
  10. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Warren,
    Men do hate talking....hmmm...maybe i should just believe my husband already huh?! lol he's been telling me that for sooo long and i just never believed him...
    But i do see what you say, my husband doesn't talk...like at all! lol but if something is bugging me or there is something wrong, he makes the changes when he is able.

    Veiled,
    You make complete sense...yeah who the heck is going to ask for space when all they need to do is blow up...i see now that i tend to sugar-coat everything in order to make myself feel better i guess...it just feels crappy when i want/need to talk (even if its about something very simple, or even ask a question) and he just blows up on me for no reason... makes me feel like sh*t. And i hate putting up with it!! But i understand now that he is doing me a favor if he just walks away from a conversation...otherwise (like its been happening) things get very ugly :-( and that makes me feel worse.... i need to work on "giving space" big time :-(
     
  11. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Guys,

    We are in the midst of one of those moments right now....see Anthony and I are not immune!! We just have less of them now that is all. Basically I'm tired and cranky, and he's tired and stressed because we are in the process of moving house next week. Just what you need when you are 7 months pregnant.....NOT! How are we resolving things, better than we used to. He started his crappy yelling behaviour tonight (apparently I was nagging), name calling (etc) in front of the baby. Not happy. I just told him to calm down and stop yelling, don't swear, don't tell me to 'shutup' and that I'm not dumb (I really didn't take offence to that because we both know that I'm not)grabbed the baby and walked out of the room. Oh and I got food thrown at me, my response to that was "thats my behaviour, I used to throw things but I don't do that anymore". No sense staying there and giving him something more to fight about. Plus if you are trying to annoy to someone who is angry its better to take the moral high ground and act like an adult........that generally annoys the hell out of me, when I am angry and acting childish and someones acts like an adult.

    What do we do to resolve this.........well there really isn't anything to talk about. The argument was only over a couple of boxes that I wanted moved and I ended up doing it myself. I took the baby down the other end of the house and folded clothes, he stayed at the other end watching TV. Now he is in bed with baby sleeping, best place for him. What will happen tomorrow? Well he will still be grumpy, might speak to me, might not, I'll carry on regardless and he will act like nothing happened except he will be grumpy. Will he apologise for yelling.........unlikely. I could apologise for upsetting him but then I don't think I was nagging that much. He's going to Brisbane tomorrow for a couple of days to visit family, which will do him good but that is also adding to the stress because he wants to get things done here and I can't do too much.

    I think just giving them space helps. It certainly helps us. Gives them time to stew on what dumb asses they were.

    As for the sandwich thing, I once thawed out some lovely porterhouse steaks for our tea, we had an argument, he was mean, I cooked and ate mine and fed his to the cats. Told him about it the next day. Would do it again to. Priceless!!
     
  12. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Sarah,

    I'd consider investing in a pet rattlesnake. They've got a nicer disposition than someone in a PTSD mood and would be a hell of lot easier to make peace with.
     
  13. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Kerri Anne you are doing it tough arent you. A couple of days in Brissy for Anthony may do you both good. I can say I have never had anything thrown at me, hubby probably knows I would throw it back twice as hard!
    You have got some stressful times coming up with the baby and the move you sound pretty strong I know you will get through ok.
    My thoughts are with you:smile:
    Jen
     
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