I Don't Want To Hurt Anyone

[sun seeker]

I can't stand it if I think I've done anything to hurt anyone. It's unbearable. I'll go to great lengths to make sure I haven't.

I know where it comes from. When I was a very tiny child I was manipulated to believe I was responsible for horrible things. (I absolutely wasn't, it was all a setup.) That's all I can say, I can't write about it.

It makes it so hard to accept that mistakes are part of being human. I don't allow myself to make mistakes, recognize them and fix them. Any time I notice something I've done wrong it feels like the end of the world.

Recently I said something to someone in the process of trying to help a friend, but apparently I put my foot in my mouth and said the wrong thing that could potentially cause her problems. When I told her, she mildly asked me not to say this thing again. I feel horrible, like my heart is sinking, like I am the most vile person and don't deserve anything good - even though I knew I meant well. I can fix it by talking to the person I said this thing to and retracting what I said, if my friend wants me to - I was just trying to call and ask if she wants me to or not, but she isn't home. I'm afraid that if I try to fix it without asking, I'll just make things worse. I was so shocked when she told me I'd said the wrong thing that I couldn't think to offer to fix it until after I hung up the phone.

I feel so horrible. This is one of the worst things for me. I'm probably affected way more than this friend is. This has its own particular kind of horror for me that I am immersed in.

 

[scout86]

I'm probably affected way more than this friend is.

I'll bet you're right!

Can you take a step back from the feelings and focus on the fact that you understand where they come from and that they weren't accurate when you were a child and aren't accurate now? q

Any time I notice something I've done wrong it feels like the end of the world.

I can't definitely relate to that! But, up to date, accurate information suggests that it's NOT the end of the world, it only seems that way. (Might be a good time to review the cognitive distortions thread?)

You are NOT an awful person! :ninja:

 

[sun seeker]

Can you take a step back from the feelings and focus on the fact that you understand where they come from and that they weren't accurate when you were a child and aren't accurate now?

Sort of. That they weren't accurate then - mostly, I know that. I still fall into believing it sometimes. That they aren't accurate now - I don't know, I have a really hard time telling just how bad my mistakes really are. It's like there is supposed to be some sort of "mistake meter" in a person that says on a scale of 1 to 10, this rates a ________ and I don't have one. It's very black and white. I don't have a way to gauge how bad it is unless someone tells me.

You are NOT an awful person!

No, actually I know I'm not, and I know I was going out of my way to be completely transparent and act with integrity when I said this thing. My intention was good. I do know that much.

Come to think of it, this has gotten better than it has been in the past. I'm sitting here posting, and trying to call my friend back to offer to fix my mistake, instead of curling up in a ball of misery. That's progress, I guess. It's just this feeling of horror and doom that is triggered when something like this happens.

 

[Justmehere]

I hate making mistakes that impact others too. It is trauma bonded thinking and it isn't accurate to think that way now - but I know it takes so long for these feelings to shift.

Good work for taking the steps you already have and making the progress that you have.

A friend of mine one time pointed out to me that is almost a form of reverse pride to get overly stuck on how we impact others.

What I see from a distance in your relationship with her is that you are a kind and compassionate friend. You are someone who is safe enough for her to tell you about something that she doesn't like.

Try to consider her feedback as info about HER not as judgement about you or your worth, it even statement of what you did as being a mistake or not.

Instead, try to see this as being about her giving you info on what she needs, and that you are someone she values enough to share that with you.

I would actually suggest not trying to "fix" in an overly apologetic way, but to thank her for telling you what she doesn't find helpful to hear and let her know you will do your best to respect her wishes. I used to apologize and try to fix everything I have ever done wrong. A friend of mine challenged me one day to try to turn every "I'm sorry" and compulsive act of fixing my mistakes into an expression of thankfulness for the other person. Instead of just saying, "I'm so sorry I'm late" or "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to offend" I have learned to add or totally focus on "thank you for being so patient" or "thank you for telling me that doesn't help, can you help me better understand what does?" It's a empowering shift - and it actually has helped melt away some of that trauma based shame. I'm not sure why this works for me, but it does. (It's something her own trauma therapist taught her.)

 

[sun seeker]

I used to be so much more impulsive about what I said. I'm way more careful now, but these moments still come up. They probably do for everybody. Or do they? I don't even know. I know my conscience is way, way overactive, but I'm not sure just where the line is.

It is trauma bonded thinking

Would you be able to go into more detail about that? I'm interested but not sure I get it.

thank her for telling you what she doesn't find helpful to hear and let her know you will do your best to respect her wishes.

Just to clarify, it wasn't about something she didn't find helpful to hear. It was something I said to someone else about her, that I thought was accurate but turned out not to be. It's the inaccurate information I passed on that could cause a problem, and my offer would be to talk to the person I gave that information to and retract what I said earlier.

"thank you for telling me that doesn't help, can you help me better understand what does?" It's a empowering shift - and it actually has helped melt away some of that trauma based shame.

It would, because it's focusing on a solution rather than a problem, by assuming that you can do something to fix the problem. Therefore, it follows that you haven't caused an insurmountable problem, so you can't be the terrible person you thought you were.

 

[sun seeker]

I remember once when someone absolutely freaked on me and said that something I'd said might mean she would lose her job. She was overreacting, and it didn't. But when she said that, I couldn't even breathe. I don't EVER want to hurt ANYONE.

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma bonded thinking is those really stubborn thoughts that developed in the context of childhood trauma that we believed in order to survive - and these thoughts persist into adulthood even when they are no longer accurate and/or helpful, and they often carry the same weight with them in adulthood as they did when the trauma was happening. Trauma bonded thoughts are also often the thoughts out abusers wanted to have. By believing them, children were able to try to maintain some kind of bin and connection to the abuser whom they sometimes needed for survival.

When you were a child, you believed what your abuser wanted you to believe and manipulated you into believing: that you were responsible for horrible things. That a mistake is the end of the world. As a child you may have had to internalize this message to survive. And you did survive.

Now as an adult, you get to choose if that belief or thought that likely came as as an implied or overt message from your abuser, is an accurate and helpful thought or belief.

I have found it helpful to remember that child abusers are usually wrong and whenever I'm agreeing with their messages to me about me, those thoughts are probably inaccurate.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you @Justmehere. I get what you are saying but didn't know to call it that.

I would also contend that they were wrong. I look at children the age I was and shake my head, wondering how anyone could be so deliberately cruel to little children and how any of them could possibly be guilty of the things I was blamed for (they couldn't, is the answer to that).

Where I get confused today is not having that internalized meter that tells me just how serious a mistake is, so I don't go from zero to sixty in no time. I'm not sure how you develop that.

I definitely notice that people with better self esteem are more humble and better at admitting their mistakes, because the mistake is external to their self concept. They can more easily admit to making a mistake because they have confidence that they can fix it. Or if they can't, it still doesn't say anything about who they are as a person. I'd like to be more like that.

 

[shimmerz]

When I told her, she mildly asked me not to say this thing again.

I think part of this is learning to trust that other's can handle their own issues, whether you feel like you caused it or not. She is an adult and knows the nuances of this issue, so she knows best how to fix it 'for her'.

What I see from a distance in your relationship with her is that you are a kind and compassionate friend. You are someone who is safe enough for her to tell you about something that she doesn't like.

^^^ True story.

I'd like to be more like that.

Even recognizing this is a huge step. I wonder if this 'making mistakes' thing can be corrected by you deliberately doing something that goes against your idea of 'rightness'. Figure out a breathing pattern to work your way through it, scan your body. You know, things like putting something in the wrong place, things that don't involve other people, just yourself, and then practicing and watching for how you react to those mistakes. Then maybe work your way up to making mistakes with others.
Not sure if this is helpful or not, but thought I would pop in. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I think part of this is learning to trust that other's can handle their own issues, whether you feel like you caused it or not.

Hm. That took me by surprise. You're right, though. She knows the person I spoke to and if it is important to her, she could talk to this person and make the clarification herself. That actually hadn't occurred to me. Do you think that comes from holding onto the childlike assumption that the world revolves around us, even in a negative way?

So I wonder whether some of my anxiety is not actually over fixing the mistake but being sure she knows I am willing to. Because how I feel about myself is so wound up in how others perceive me.

things that don't involve other people

The trigger does involve other people though. It doesn't really come up around things that don't affect anyone else. I think the thing to do would be practice starting with safer people and moving up to riskier people. I'm picturing myself making this request of my therapist: "Hey, I need to practice doing things wrong, can I practice on you?" I'm halfway serious about that.

Your first point is a good one. I truly never thought about that before. She can fix this herself if she needs to. Therefore, I haven't ruined her entire life by saying one wrong thing.

Really???

 

[shimmerz]

I'm halfway serious about that.

This sounds like an idea to be full way serious about. I think it is great!

Therefore, I haven't ruined her entire life by saying one wrong thing.

Yep. Really. Took me a looooong time to figure out that the world doesn't revolve around what I do wrong. And if someone has the perception that it does, then I need to keep far away from that person. That isn't healthy. Not one little bit.

 

[sun seeker]

My friend finally answered the phone, I said I was feeling bad about this and offered to talk to the person I made the mistaken comment to. She said no, all is good and not to worry about it and to just take care of myself and she'll be fine.

So this was all over nothing.

Except it wasn't nothing, because of what it triggered in me.

And I've been misdirecting my energy by tying myself in knots over things that others don't even think about twice, when the real issue is what happened to me so long ago. Deliberate cruelty to small children - knowingly making them hate themselves in a way that just keeps on going long after the abuse is over - is something I fail to comprehend. That little girl was innocent, and they destroyed her in such deliberate, calculated ways. I don't know if I will ever understand that. I don't know if I want to.