I Don't Want To Hurt Anyone

[sun seeker]

This sounds like an idea to be full way serious about.

He is a very good example of this for me. When he makes a mistake or says or does something that triggers me, he is absolutely willing to hear about it and make amends as necessary, but he doesn't keep obsessing over it or (at least as far as I can see) letting it affect how he feels about himself. He feels basically good about himself, so recognizing his mistakes is just a ripple on a pond. I'm gradually, very gradually, starting to not obsess over my own mistakes quite as much, because he persists in treating me like a good person regardless and telling me (in a much nicer way, but still) that I'm making mountains out of molehills when I berate myself.

 

[scout86]

knowingly making them hate themselves in a way that just keeps on going long after the abuse is over

I don't know about your situation. In my own situation, I don't actually think it was "knowingly". I kind of don't think "I" was a consideration at all. I don't think anyone cared, one way or the other.

 

[sun seeker]

In my own situation, I don't actually think it was "knowingly"

I get this. There are different kinds of abusers, different mentalities. You may well be right.

In my case, there was some of both. Some was just not caring in one way or another, and oddly enough, that is what I feel caused me the most damage.

But what I am talking about here was a different situation, and it was absolutely calculated to have the effect it did. Actually, I am very lucky that the effects were not worse.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess I've had a bit of everything, but definitely also

. In my own situation, I don't actually think it was "knowingly"

and

just not caring in one way or another

.

Or at least I took it upon myself because of the situation that I couldn't add to it. Same end result as you @sun seeker Plus fear.:(

But I think you handled this very very well. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@sun seeker would this help?

http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf

(with the presence or absence of physical etc abuse).

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks @Junebug. I think I've read that somewhere along the way, but I'll have another look at it. The impact of emotional neglect is way, way underplayed imho. Much of my childhood and into adulthood neglect caused serious damage that I am just beginning to heal from.

This particular issue, though, wasn't caused by emotional neglect. It was caused by horrific and deliberate abuse. Knowing that does help me take a stand against seeing myself the way I was taught to see myself. In a way it's easier to separate myself from than the neglect. Easier to be sure that I didn't deserve it, for one thing. It's less entwined in my psyche, I think.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good @sun seeker .

Yes was just wondering if it might explain the 'feelings' more.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to be the same way of not wanting to hurt anyone. Clearly I needed a lot of therapy because we are human and make mistakes and sometimes people get hurt. I think it is ironic that I felt that way and my abusive parents were the exact opposite of that. They could care less about hurting anyone. Very weird and troubled people. very immature etc. Sadistic father who loved to inflict pain.

My theory is that when I was very small I made some kind of a vow never to hurt anyone.

 

[sun seeker]

My theory is that when I was very small I made some kind of a vow never to hurt anyone.

Could be. I wonder if also, your parents made you feel overly responsible for every little mistake? It sounds like the kind of thing people like that would do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes I was the one to hate and blame for everything by the both of them.

 

[Deleted member 34424]

I feel like I'm a horrible person just Dom having random (not fun) thoughts in my head and where my body holds its trauma memory, so I understand where you're coming from.

 

[Deleted member 34424]

From*

So annoying only some threads allow you to edit...