I just had a really horrible experience about an hour ago. But after really thinking about it, it turned out that everything horrible about it was actually a sign that I'm getting better.
It was a totally unexpected situation that just happened here on this forum actually.
I've had a childlike attachment to a totally outdated chromebook that has missing keys and is terrible shape. Every decent computer I buy ends up being scavenged for parts by my teenagers and part of some giant system in their rooms that is probably accessing Juilan Assange's email for all I know. They see me with my old samsung & just start taking the new one apart every time. I got a new laptop this week and was trying to figure out how it works so they didnt murder it asap.
I'm no good at even basic stuff I've always had somebody else do it.I was trying to transfer my files to the new one and messing around on this forum at the same time. I decided to upload a picture of Joan Crawford with an ax for the ' what movie character do you feel like today' forum when
All sorts of unrecognizable data popped up and for about 3 minutes I thought it was possible I uploaded everything I have to the myptsd forum.
What's different is that I have extreme disassociation, in the sense that I never respond to anything in the moment unless its anger. Outside of something making me unexpectedly angry I have a very long delay before I feel the appropriate emotion and when I do its usually still muted down from what somebody else is feeling. I do get anxious but its usually generalized, its not in response to a scary thing suddenly popping up. I am very out of touch with embarrassment in particular for some reason. If I fell down a flight of stairs in public I wouldnt feel the normal embarrassment. What would happen is when I saw someone else fall anytime after a year later, but not before, it would remind me of it and I'd suddenly blush and feel stupid recalling it.
I have been like this for about six years and I thought it was permanent. It's one of the things my therapist gets the most frustrated with I think.
So when I thought I may have transferred everything from my credit report to personal family photos on here, I felt my mouth go dry and severe anxiety actually while the potentially bad thing was happening. I suppose that's progress. What I also noticed after I figured out I hadn't pulled off something that stupid, is that while I was figuring that out I sort of split in two. One person feeling physical nervousness and embarrassment, and one person simultaneously rationalizing what to do about it and how to handle it afterwards emotionally. Like "it's been nice knowing you folks here and I'll miss you, but now that you know more about me than my next door neighbor I'm going to have to end our relationship, its not you. its me, really"
Before that happened I didn't know I would respond to something embarrassing and its aftermath that way, and I'm kind of reassured by it. I think I may have been convinced I would flip out when bad things happen and that was a part of my extreme disconnect in the first place.
As it happens, I had a second chance to test drive the new in the moment shock / embarrassment feelings when just before I decided to make this post, I tried to respond to another members request for a hug for her inner child on a different forum by uploading a cartoon of Calvin and Hobbs hugging.
Because I still wanted to figure out this laptop I was determined to figure out whats going wrong with the pic. loading.
For several absolutely felt and miserable minutes, I thought I had posted a picture of Joan Crawford holding an ax next the the Calvin and Hobbs pic.
That was even more excruciating than the first incident. But even more progress, because normally I'm always very cynical and I can be pretty mean with my sense of humor. I didn't think that was funny at all, not even a little. I had my son try to get it off in my panicky state and he started laughing hysterically. This gave me an opportunity to redirect my fear / shame into rage, but I didnt take it. That's really remarkable for me to not immediately divert fear into anger if I'm given the opportunity.
I don't know if anyone here has the type of delays and numbness around fear and anxiety I have, it made me want to share what happened. I seem to be particularly numb to embarrassment, while it might seem like a good thing to someone that isn't, it's not really. It was one of the things that made me feel like I was not quite human anymore and just walking emptily through life. I was very anxious before the in person group I started this week, but when I got there I was absolutely the most calm and unaffected person sitting there.
I think what happened is partly because I feel a connection to this forum and I was afraid I'd lose that, and I care about the people here. I haven't let myself care very much about people for a long time.
I've seen the threads of other people having disassociation to that degree, but I was wondering if anyone has the huge delays or immunity to embarrassment that I've had.
It was a totally unexpected situation that just happened here on this forum actually.
I've had a childlike attachment to a totally outdated chromebook that has missing keys and is terrible shape. Every decent computer I buy ends up being scavenged for parts by my teenagers and part of some giant system in their rooms that is probably accessing Juilan Assange's email for all I know. They see me with my old samsung & just start taking the new one apart every time. I got a new laptop this week and was trying to figure out how it works so they didnt murder it asap.
I'm no good at even basic stuff I've always had somebody else do it.I was trying to transfer my files to the new one and messing around on this forum at the same time. I decided to upload a picture of Joan Crawford with an ax for the ' what movie character do you feel like today' forum when
All sorts of unrecognizable data popped up and for about 3 minutes I thought it was possible I uploaded everything I have to the myptsd forum.
What's different is that I have extreme disassociation, in the sense that I never respond to anything in the moment unless its anger. Outside of something making me unexpectedly angry I have a very long delay before I feel the appropriate emotion and when I do its usually still muted down from what somebody else is feeling. I do get anxious but its usually generalized, its not in response to a scary thing suddenly popping up. I am very out of touch with embarrassment in particular for some reason. If I fell down a flight of stairs in public I wouldnt feel the normal embarrassment. What would happen is when I saw someone else fall anytime after a year later, but not before, it would remind me of it and I'd suddenly blush and feel stupid recalling it.
I have been like this for about six years and I thought it was permanent. It's one of the things my therapist gets the most frustrated with I think.
So when I thought I may have transferred everything from my credit report to personal family photos on here, I felt my mouth go dry and severe anxiety actually while the potentially bad thing was happening. I suppose that's progress. What I also noticed after I figured out I hadn't pulled off something that stupid, is that while I was figuring that out I sort of split in two. One person feeling physical nervousness and embarrassment, and one person simultaneously rationalizing what to do about it and how to handle it afterwards emotionally. Like "it's been nice knowing you folks here and I'll miss you, but now that you know more about me than my next door neighbor I'm going to have to end our relationship, its not you. its me, really"
Before that happened I didn't know I would respond to something embarrassing and its aftermath that way, and I'm kind of reassured by it. I think I may have been convinced I would flip out when bad things happen and that was a part of my extreme disconnect in the first place.
As it happens, I had a second chance to test drive the new in the moment shock / embarrassment feelings when just before I decided to make this post, I tried to respond to another members request for a hug for her inner child on a different forum by uploading a cartoon of Calvin and Hobbs hugging.
Because I still wanted to figure out this laptop I was determined to figure out whats going wrong with the pic. loading.
For several absolutely felt and miserable minutes, I thought I had posted a picture of Joan Crawford holding an ax next the the Calvin and Hobbs pic.
That was even more excruciating than the first incident. But even more progress, because normally I'm always very cynical and I can be pretty mean with my sense of humor. I didn't think that was funny at all, not even a little. I had my son try to get it off in my panicky state and he started laughing hysterically. This gave me an opportunity to redirect my fear / shame into rage, but I didnt take it. That's really remarkable for me to not immediately divert fear into anger if I'm given the opportunity.
I don't know if anyone here has the type of delays and numbness around fear and anxiety I have, it made me want to share what happened. I seem to be particularly numb to embarrassment, while it might seem like a good thing to someone that isn't, it's not really. It was one of the things that made me feel like I was not quite human anymore and just walking emptily through life. I was very anxious before the in person group I started this week, but when I got there I was absolutely the most calm and unaffected person sitting there.
I think what happened is partly because I feel a connection to this forum and I was afraid I'd lose that, and I care about the people here. I haven't let myself care very much about people for a long time.
I've seen the threads of other people having disassociation to that degree, but I was wondering if anyone has the huge delays or immunity to embarrassment that I've had.
