Feeling invisible

[Autumn]

I was always the invisible child.
Don't get in trouble. Be quiet. Don't bring more burden to your parents.
I struggle with this in therapy as well. I try really hard to remain invisible and then as soon as it feels like this has come true i.e. T canceled or forgot to email me back for a few days, I get this pit in my stomach and think I've done it I've done it again. I am invisible. There's no escape from this.
Yet, the fear of being visible is just as great. The fear of taking up space or worse being a burden hurts even more. I don't want to be a burden to my T. I know she is busy and other clients probably need her so much more.
It's like I'm waiting for someone to see me, to find me, but without me making myself seen.
Either way it hurts.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: Does your therapist know you are struggling with this?

 

[Autumn]

I have been too ashamed to admit in the past.
Though I have mentioned how I always feel like a burden.
This last week she was busy and didn't reply for a few days to my email and though on the surface I was ok with it, inside of me I started feeling so small and so invisible.
Today I rolled in a ball and started crying.
I hope I can beat the shame and discuss this further. I am so scared.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I know how this feels. I hope that you can talk about it with your T!

 

[Justmehere]

When you were small, you were invisible to survive. It's really quite a good survival skill that many trauma survivors use to get through terrible trauma. It's not anything to be ashamed about. It's simply no longer helpful or useful, and it's safe now to be visible. It's heathy to want to not be forgotten. Therapists are very used to clients feeling anxiety about these issues, especially when working with trauma - but also when not working with trauma.

Talk to her. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 42957]

I know how you feel. I'm exactly the same. My t said I wasn't being honest so best to stop therapy but I'm not honest as I feel if I tell her how bad I'm really doing or feel I think she will think I'm a pain. She has taken time off go away with her husband and has been back for a couple of weeks now and I so badly want to make another appointment but don't want to spoil her time if she is with her husband. She was officially back at work two weeks ago but I see her out and about and think she doesn't want me spoiling it and think maybe I did something wrong while I was in therapy that made her find an excuse to stop it. I'm ashamed to go back and say I need her.Also because she may then think that I think she hasn't done her job properly if I still need her. I'm just waiting desperately hoping she contacts me to ask how I am so I can then say not doing so well.
I think if we want it we have to have the confidence to ask for it but that's something I darent do.
It's like feeling too much in someone's way.
I want my t to see I'm struggling and help me but I don't want to tell her.
I do hope you can talk to your t about it. I can't yet.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure, it doesn't bother me if I don't care. It's only if I have hope it will be different or try to overcome it and communicate and am let down that I feel badly.

The possible consequences of being visible, or having a problem, or letting someone know what is valued (it would then be destroyed) caused and causes me a lot of anxiety and fear, of what that will cause.

I relate to all but your second last line of the first post @Autumn . I wish you best wishes with it. :hug:

 

[MyWillow]

Definitely a survival mechanism I think. Funnily enough my psychologist raises it with me regularly as part of structural dissociation. It's the submissive part. Certain situations or conversations in therapy trigger are a trigger...

 

[Tinyflame]

For myselff structural dissociation isn't the issue; if I'm protecting myself (or potentially others) I know why. Emotional pain is as bad, or for me worse, than physical. No point to keep trying if I come up empty despite reaching out. But that is my problem.

I know that emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion, and also one learned to survive abuse. But what I don't see mentioned is that for human beings emotion is a source of primary motivation. So there's a lot to counter.

I do think Autumn should talk about it if she wants, for herself though. And my hope is that it will go well. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It's like I'm waiting for someone to see me, to find me, but without me making myself seen.

I see and hear you and believe you even though we are only onine buddies. My husband was the scapegoat in his family and always said that he felt invisible too. I think that being visible is more dangerous for me. My husband never really felt visible and I hated so much that he felt this way about himself and that is was such a big issue for him in his life. He was a nice guy and a lot of people liked him. I wish that someday you will experience some healing about feeling the way you do.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want my t to see I'm struggling and help me but I don't want to tell her.

I just discovered my voice and I am using it all of the time, awkwardly and I need so much practice speaking. I really hope for the day when you discover your own voice. It is there to really help and protect you from harm.