A
Anonymously hurt
At first sorry If some sentences or words are incorrect. English isn’t my first language.
Lately I have been wondering a lot if my trauma is serious enough, and if I’m valid for having ptsd related symptoms I am having. I almost feel guilty as if my trauma wasn’t serious enough. Also because I rarely read stories similar to mine.
So my story short: I had a boyfriend from 16 to 19. Stayed with him every Friday to Monday morning. Abuse started soon after we got together, approximately 3-6 times a week for 2.5 years. My boyfriend wanted sex everyday at least once, but preferred two or three times a day. One of the thinks he used to do was refusing me to go to sleep, keeping me awake up until I was so teribily tired that I let him have sex with me. In those moments I was refusing he went furious with me or sometimes with himself, he used to beat up his own face for instance, when I would refuse. One time he cut in his chest. After I gave in I would just lay there, all frozen up with my eyes closed, hoping it would be over soon. On the rare nights he let me sleep he would have sex with me while I was sleeping and I would find out next morning or woke up. Also on the mornings after it would be the first thing he’d do as soon as he woke up, getting inside me from the back and having sex with me until he came. Sometimes, mostly during the day, he gave me permission to refuse sex as long as I have him oral sex. He also liked perform oral sex on me while I said no countless times. He also had a really weird thing he used to do that when he was agressive. He pushing me very rough against the bed, holding me tight I so couldn’t move, and suck by breasts. It was all so humiliating.
I have a few questions around this. I feel like he raped me countless times in situations I described above. Am I allowed to feel like this? Because in the end I always used to give in (after he got agressive towards me and/or himself). Then a questions regarding ptsd:
My therapist diagnosed me with this 5 months ago. I am still experiencing symptoms like intrusive thoughts and really intense triggers. I have moments of dissociation sometimes that gets as worse as feeling completely paralysed and unable to move at all. Sometimes I am having panick attacks where I get dizzy, can’t breath normally and feel like throwing up. Also I am unable to have any form intimate fysical contact. I completely freak out by even thinking about it.
Lately I have been wondering a lot if my trauma is serious enough, and if I’m valid for having ptsd related symptoms I am having. I almost feel guilty as if my trauma wasn’t serious enough. Also because I rarely read stories similar to mine.
So my story short: I had a boyfriend from 16 to 19. Stayed with him every Friday to Monday morning. Abuse started soon after we got together, approximately 3-6 times a week for 2.5 years. My boyfriend wanted sex everyday at least once, but preferred two or three times a day. One of the thinks he used to do was refusing me to go to sleep, keeping me awake up until I was so teribily tired that I let him have sex with me. In those moments I was refusing he went furious with me or sometimes with himself, he used to beat up his own face for instance, when I would refuse. One time he cut in his chest. After I gave in I would just lay there, all frozen up with my eyes closed, hoping it would be over soon. On the rare nights he let me sleep he would have sex with me while I was sleeping and I would find out next morning or woke up. Also on the mornings after it would be the first thing he’d do as soon as he woke up, getting inside me from the back and having sex with me until he came. Sometimes, mostly during the day, he gave me permission to refuse sex as long as I have him oral sex. He also liked perform oral sex on me while I said no countless times. He also had a really weird thing he used to do that when he was agressive. He pushing me very rough against the bed, holding me tight I so couldn’t move, and suck by breasts. It was all so humiliating.
I have a few questions around this. I feel like he raped me countless times in situations I described above. Am I allowed to feel like this? Because in the end I always used to give in (after he got agressive towards me and/or himself). Then a questions regarding ptsd:
My therapist diagnosed me with this 5 months ago. I am still experiencing symptoms like intrusive thoughts and really intense triggers. I have moments of dissociation sometimes that gets as worse as feeling completely paralysed and unable to move at all. Sometimes I am having panick attacks where I get dizzy, can’t breath normally and feel like throwing up. Also I am unable to have any form intimate fysical contact. I completely freak out by even thinking about it.