I wasn't sure which forum to put this, whether this is a stressor and trauma issue, or relational...
My problem is that I am "self-aware" what my subconscious is constantly dealing with with the ptsd, but self awareness is not enough! I get completely HIJACKED with an internal reaction! When I'm "triggered," after my reactive episode I can 100% be self-aware and understand what happened, what the trigger was and why I reacted to it and what I was reacting to. My problem is that even though I have this awareness I'm still getting HIJACKED by these "back there" states. I've embarrassed myself about 5 times in the past 7 days-- 1) a phone call with my sister about airline flights, she says something benign and I go off on a rant about my childhood abuse, stunning her -- she has no idea where all that came from, but I do. I sent her text saying she didn't say anything to cause my reaction and that the reaction is all on me and apologized. 2) I'm participating in an activity with a group of people, I see an benign interaction between an 11 year old girl and a woman and Ka Boom I'm in an altered state frozen back in time and unable to think or interact with others for HOURS, 3) I walk in a store and I'm approached by a sales clerk. I tell tell her I just want to browse and if I see something I want I will specifically come find her. BUT then she does a little manipulative sales trick that makes me have to give her my name or if I don't I will look like an asshole and crazy woman, --Boom!---and I'm suddenly in an altered state-unable to think and totally pissed off at the clerk for ignoring my stated desire, and those I have those "back there" feelings of entrapment-- so I had to immediately leave the store without shopping. I was in an uncontrollable state. It doesn't matter that I "see" that these are innocuous -- and that I "see" it's the past events I'm repsonding to subconsciously, my brain just zaps into an altered state. It can take hours to come out of it.
Being self aware isn't enough! How do I handle these triggers. Stressful times seems to make these reactive moments more frequent
My problem is that I am "self-aware" what my subconscious is constantly dealing with with the ptsd, but self awareness is not enough! I get completely HIJACKED with an internal reaction! When I'm "triggered," after my reactive episode I can 100% be self-aware and understand what happened, what the trigger was and why I reacted to it and what I was reacting to. My problem is that even though I have this awareness I'm still getting HIJACKED by these "back there" states. I've embarrassed myself about 5 times in the past 7 days-- 1) a phone call with my sister about airline flights, she says something benign and I go off on a rant about my childhood abuse, stunning her -- she has no idea where all that came from, but I do. I sent her text saying she didn't say anything to cause my reaction and that the reaction is all on me and apologized. 2) I'm participating in an activity with a group of people, I see an benign interaction between an 11 year old girl and a woman and Ka Boom I'm in an altered state frozen back in time and unable to think or interact with others for HOURS, 3) I walk in a store and I'm approached by a sales clerk. I tell tell her I just want to browse and if I see something I want I will specifically come find her. BUT then she does a little manipulative sales trick that makes me have to give her my name or if I don't I will look like an asshole and crazy woman, --Boom!---and I'm suddenly in an altered state-unable to think and totally pissed off at the clerk for ignoring my stated desire, and those I have those "back there" feelings of entrapment-- so I had to immediately leave the store without shopping. I was in an uncontrollable state. It doesn't matter that I "see" that these are innocuous -- and that I "see" it's the past events I'm repsonding to subconsciously, my brain just zaps into an altered state. It can take hours to come out of it.
Being self aware isn't enough! How do I handle these triggers. Stressful times seems to make these reactive moments more frequent