This has got to be the longest post I've ever laid eyes on(it could probably count as an essay!), so I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'll ask a few questions at the bottom, but most of this is getting past traumas off my chest and backstory. If you're into that, please read to your heart's content!(some of this is dark stuff though)
This all started way back around when I was 13 or so and I went into a Subway with this one other guy in it. When he saw me he said with a creepy smile "You have your mother's eyes." I ran all the way home with the sun setting. I had a guess who it was. Based on my description my mom really freaked out; turns out I was right in thinking it was her father, whom I had never met and was no longer part of the family. Later my mother explained to me "the truth" which I guess was so upsetting at the time I blocked out the conversation, but I know it involved him, child sexual abuse, and my mom. (He abused his next wife and child too.) He showed up again months later in a public building, but after that luckily a restraining order was put on him. He died a few years ago, but emotionally it's like he's still haunting me.
Years later there was an incident on a bus where this guy was yelling and punching the bus walls and threatening the driver to pull over or he'd kill him. No one got hurt in the end except maybe the bus, but it scared me a lot. After that, riding the bus and waiting at the stops by myself was too much to handle. So yeah, that reignited past trauma.
Since that day when I was 13 I've gained a pretty prominent fear of men. I have nightmares about them doing horrific things like what I heard about my grandfather, and I'll wake up really shaken; sometimes I just cry. I'm also scared to leave the house by myself. I've never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a boy, always with the explanation that "boys just scare me." I don't ever leave the house at night and I don't leave the house during the day myself very often unless I'm with other people. The times I do and a man walks toward me or past me on the street, I'm scared. I panic the most if I can't see anyone else around. Once I tried going to a park with my sister only to run all the way home in terror because we passed a guy that "looked suspicious." ... Because he was walking the same direction as us. My sister called it a major overreaction.
At it's worst I was so scared I refused to leave my room for meals or anything for weeks. Any bump in the night put me on high alert, and I couldn't sleep. It got so bad I had frequent panic attacks and fainted once from stress. Soon after I just started zoning out, during conversations or when I was tied up in my own tormenting thoughts. I would become overwhelmed and slump over for a minute, sometimes a few, not seeing, hardly hearing, I would just check out. My therapist said it sounded like dissociation, but it only lasted a few weeks.
So anyway, the point of all this: I'm really nervous to leave home and face the world of living by myself as an adult. Not just with what I've described already, but with my depressive episodes(I've been diagnosed with MDD, panic disorder and generalised anxiety). I've had at least one per year since middle school, many that have lasted for months and months. But when that time is over I function pretty well. I'm going to therapy, though I'm not on medicine anymore, as none of the many I tried worked out. I either had allergic reactions or side effects frustrating enough I decided I'd rather just be depressed... So I feel pretty trapped.
My therapist has suggested an ESA multiple times, but I would rather have it trained to perform tasks that could help me cope... Though then it's more of a psychiatric service dog, and it makes me really nervous to be seen by the public as someone with a disability, not that I'm sure if this even qualifies as one. There's so much more to share but this post is already way too long so I'll just skip to the questions. Any answers/advice/suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thank you, everyone.
Questions:
1) Does this sound like PTSD to you?
2) Should I give medication another shot?
3) Is there anything besides what I've mentioned that helped you to heal?
4) Should I give an emotional support dog or service dog a shot?
(I'm aware they're different things, and I'd be talking to my doctor next if a psychiatric service dog is at all a possibility. Also, with either, I'd be doing the training myself with the help of a professional.)
This all started way back around when I was 13 or so and I went into a Subway with this one other guy in it. When he saw me he said with a creepy smile "You have your mother's eyes." I ran all the way home with the sun setting. I had a guess who it was. Based on my description my mom really freaked out; turns out I was right in thinking it was her father, whom I had never met and was no longer part of the family. Later my mother explained to me "the truth" which I guess was so upsetting at the time I blocked out the conversation, but I know it involved him, child sexual abuse, and my mom. (He abused his next wife and child too.) He showed up again months later in a public building, but after that luckily a restraining order was put on him. He died a few years ago, but emotionally it's like he's still haunting me.
Years later there was an incident on a bus where this guy was yelling and punching the bus walls and threatening the driver to pull over or he'd kill him. No one got hurt in the end except maybe the bus, but it scared me a lot. After that, riding the bus and waiting at the stops by myself was too much to handle. So yeah, that reignited past trauma.
Since that day when I was 13 I've gained a pretty prominent fear of men. I have nightmares about them doing horrific things like what I heard about my grandfather, and I'll wake up really shaken; sometimes I just cry. I'm also scared to leave the house by myself. I've never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a boy, always with the explanation that "boys just scare me." I don't ever leave the house at night and I don't leave the house during the day myself very often unless I'm with other people. The times I do and a man walks toward me or past me on the street, I'm scared. I panic the most if I can't see anyone else around. Once I tried going to a park with my sister only to run all the way home in terror because we passed a guy that "looked suspicious." ... Because he was walking the same direction as us. My sister called it a major overreaction.
At it's worst I was so scared I refused to leave my room for meals or anything for weeks. Any bump in the night put me on high alert, and I couldn't sleep. It got so bad I had frequent panic attacks and fainted once from stress. Soon after I just started zoning out, during conversations or when I was tied up in my own tormenting thoughts. I would become overwhelmed and slump over for a minute, sometimes a few, not seeing, hardly hearing, I would just check out. My therapist said it sounded like dissociation, but it only lasted a few weeks.
So anyway, the point of all this: I'm really nervous to leave home and face the world of living by myself as an adult. Not just with what I've described already, but with my depressive episodes(I've been diagnosed with MDD, panic disorder and generalised anxiety). I've had at least one per year since middle school, many that have lasted for months and months. But when that time is over I function pretty well. I'm going to therapy, though I'm not on medicine anymore, as none of the many I tried worked out. I either had allergic reactions or side effects frustrating enough I decided I'd rather just be depressed... So I feel pretty trapped.
My therapist has suggested an ESA multiple times, but I would rather have it trained to perform tasks that could help me cope... Though then it's more of a psychiatric service dog, and it makes me really nervous to be seen by the public as someone with a disability, not that I'm sure if this even qualifies as one. There's so much more to share but this post is already way too long so I'll just skip to the questions. Any answers/advice/suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thank you, everyone.
Questions:
1) Does this sound like PTSD to you?
2) Should I give medication another shot?
3) Is there anything besides what I've mentioned that helped you to heal?
4) Should I give an emotional support dog or service dog a shot?
(I'm aware they're different things, and I'd be talking to my doctor next if a psychiatric service dog is at all a possibility. Also, with either, I'd be doing the training myself with the help of a professional.)
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