TruthSeeker
MyPTSD Pro
I've written some about my prior therapist......she was not well, she dissociated in my therapy sessions, and closed her eyes when I spoke about trauma. She introduced me to parts, and infantalized me......I guess that's the way I want to say it, and she made judgments about my insiders, my parts, my feelings that I didn't think or feel were true.......and she did not teach me grounding skills (she couldn't when she was dissociating while listening to me)....in the therapy room.....so I spent several years dissociating in therapy and not learning to talk trauma grounded. So when all hell broke loose with her, and she crossed a boundary, I realized there was more wrong with therapy that fell mostly into the ethics department- with multiple issues. While the details aren't important, she was the first T I stayed with long enough to do parts work....and there was unhealthy transference and she encouraged unhealthy dependence but at the time I was knee deep in active trauma and spent most of my time dissociated. When I left her because she betrayed my trust, my parts were enraged and I had head noise for months....and cried a lot. I felt betrayed.....again......before it was my family, now my T.
My current T is very respectful, open, honest, grounded, and highly experienced with PTSD/CPTSD/Dissociative disorders and I like her-she's intelligent, well spoken, and is current in her T knowledge. I thought I liked the last one too.....but T#1 was more like a big rock in a chair across from me... for each session.....she just sat there and stared. When I stopped talking, she opened her eyes, and would either look at me or the floor, or say how do you feel about that. So T#2 a much better fit.
With Covid and the unpredictability of "have to self-quarantine because I came in contact with someone who came in contact with.....the T schedule has been changeable" I feel like I can't start talking/processing what went wrong with my last T......but I know I need to because those old feelings are interfering with the work with this T. When I first met her....I dissociated so badly, she suggested we talk about T#1....talk around it till I can stay grounded enough to talk about the humiliating things that happened. She felt that my trust had been broken from T#1 and for our success, diving head into it (in the middle of a lot of family crap too at the time) wasn't wise-her goal for me stability. She wanted to work on grounding skills. So I put my feelings away, like you'd put away something in a box, and only mention the topic occasionally. However, the T#1 box top is coming off .
T#2 made plans to go on vacation this month for 3 weeks....told me way in advance.....no problem. Between recent surgeries, infections, and cancelled appointments, I need therapy to be concrete...same day, same time-no change unless she is sick. This was a problem with T#1-she'd cancel regularly without much warning and 5 times same day. Well, her therapist partners whom she shares a building are all rearranging their schedules for the school year to accommodate kids during covid, so my time was changed....but she didn't have a firm new schedule for weeks and it could change again in October. I need stability. Right now, transportation is an issue....I have to find a ride to T or pay a cab 100.00 round trip (and pay cash for T, too).....so for planning purposes now, same day/time is needed.
With all that said, I was disproportionately angry with her right before she went on vacation. Having to deal with another change and being angry....sent me into "f*ck it till you can get me a same day/time appt. I told her when she knew her schedule, and could make it consistent, I'd come...and I was curt....she realized I was angry-acknowledging my anger was the best I could do........transportation is an irritating issue right now. Staying home has made it harder to find distractions and regroup when I'm irritated. Rationally, I know she needs and deserves a vacation and it's to my benefit to have a rested T in a pandemic. But I also looked forward to getting out to T's and talking to someone and having a real convo....I'm alone most days and it's lonely.......and that's another part of my internal conflict: I have come to a point where the message in my head is "dump her." That message loops...."I don't need a T" or "I don't need her," but finding a good T fit is hard. I've been with her almost a year.
I think it is because of the humiliating issues I had with T #1......and the supportive feeling I have going to therapy with T#2...and my messed up....internal messages..."you need to leave this T before you get to close..and she screws you over while dissociated....." (flight time) "the same shit will happen....dump her."...so trusting her is an issue not because she's done anything wrong.....trusting her doesn't feel safe because of T#2 unprofessional behavior. I know in my head T is a good fit and I think I have a better handle generally on staying grounded....but the parts that were hurt by T#1 says......"run." My problem is I'm getting angrier and angrier....and if I go into T Friday (first appt back off vacation) I won't be able to stay grounded and I get loud when I'm angry and dissociated. I've been doing really well being grounded and in the here and now and am pleased how far I've come. Not sure how to talk about betayal and stay grounded......and I know rage....is a feeling I feel .....and not wanting to take that home in a pandemic, while I live alone. Then I just talk angrily to the walls.Concerned that I might get started on resolving this problem by talking to T#2 when Covid might kill the process because I see my T in person and then....so sorry...(one of us) has to wait 14 days or for Covid test to come back. negative (that's happened 3 times to me and impacted going to T each time)..and NO THERAPIST WILL COME INTO MY HOUSE VIA COMPUTER OR VIA TEXT! My last T texted me and emailed me for personal shit. I don't want my T in my house....my safe place ....a T doesn't belong there....it's not ethical. I like in person therapy because I'm able to leave a lot of the intensity of "stuff discussed" in the office which makes managing at home more successful. I recognize this is fear driven, and that's what I'm trying to overcome/work-through without losing my shit (I need to stay stable so basics get remembered) but my dissociation is automatic where fear/anger are concerned. Does this make sense?
Any ideas are welcome....because I'm really struggling with this.
My current T is very respectful, open, honest, grounded, and highly experienced with PTSD/CPTSD/Dissociative disorders and I like her-she's intelligent, well spoken, and is current in her T knowledge. I thought I liked the last one too.....but T#1 was more like a big rock in a chair across from me... for each session.....she just sat there and stared. When I stopped talking, she opened her eyes, and would either look at me or the floor, or say how do you feel about that. So T#2 a much better fit.
With Covid and the unpredictability of "have to self-quarantine because I came in contact with someone who came in contact with.....the T schedule has been changeable" I feel like I can't start talking/processing what went wrong with my last T......but I know I need to because those old feelings are interfering with the work with this T. When I first met her....I dissociated so badly, she suggested we talk about T#1....talk around it till I can stay grounded enough to talk about the humiliating things that happened. She felt that my trust had been broken from T#1 and for our success, diving head into it (in the middle of a lot of family crap too at the time) wasn't wise-her goal for me stability. She wanted to work on grounding skills. So I put my feelings away, like you'd put away something in a box, and only mention the topic occasionally. However, the T#1 box top is coming off .
T#2 made plans to go on vacation this month for 3 weeks....told me way in advance.....no problem. Between recent surgeries, infections, and cancelled appointments, I need therapy to be concrete...same day, same time-no change unless she is sick. This was a problem with T#1-she'd cancel regularly without much warning and 5 times same day. Well, her therapist partners whom she shares a building are all rearranging their schedules for the school year to accommodate kids during covid, so my time was changed....but she didn't have a firm new schedule for weeks and it could change again in October. I need stability. Right now, transportation is an issue....I have to find a ride to T or pay a cab 100.00 round trip (and pay cash for T, too).....so for planning purposes now, same day/time is needed.
With all that said, I was disproportionately angry with her right before she went on vacation. Having to deal with another change and being angry....sent me into "f*ck it till you can get me a same day/time appt. I told her when she knew her schedule, and could make it consistent, I'd come...and I was curt....she realized I was angry-acknowledging my anger was the best I could do........transportation is an irritating issue right now. Staying home has made it harder to find distractions and regroup when I'm irritated. Rationally, I know she needs and deserves a vacation and it's to my benefit to have a rested T in a pandemic. But I also looked forward to getting out to T's and talking to someone and having a real convo....I'm alone most days and it's lonely.......and that's another part of my internal conflict: I have come to a point where the message in my head is "dump her." That message loops...."I don't need a T" or "I don't need her," but finding a good T fit is hard. I've been with her almost a year.
I think it is because of the humiliating issues I had with T #1......and the supportive feeling I have going to therapy with T#2...and my messed up....internal messages..."you need to leave this T before you get to close..and she screws you over while dissociated....." (flight time) "the same shit will happen....dump her."...so trusting her is an issue not because she's done anything wrong.....trusting her doesn't feel safe because of T#2 unprofessional behavior. I know in my head T is a good fit and I think I have a better handle generally on staying grounded....but the parts that were hurt by T#1 says......"run." My problem is I'm getting angrier and angrier....and if I go into T Friday (first appt back off vacation) I won't be able to stay grounded and I get loud when I'm angry and dissociated. I've been doing really well being grounded and in the here and now and am pleased how far I've come. Not sure how to talk about betayal and stay grounded......and I know rage....is a feeling I feel .....and not wanting to take that home in a pandemic, while I live alone. Then I just talk angrily to the walls.Concerned that I might get started on resolving this problem by talking to T#2 when Covid might kill the process because I see my T in person and then....so sorry...(one of us) has to wait 14 days or for Covid test to come back. negative (that's happened 3 times to me and impacted going to T each time)..and NO THERAPIST WILL COME INTO MY HOUSE VIA COMPUTER OR VIA TEXT! My last T texted me and emailed me for personal shit. I don't want my T in my house....my safe place ....a T doesn't belong there....it's not ethical. I like in person therapy because I'm able to leave a lot of the intensity of "stuff discussed" in the office which makes managing at home more successful. I recognize this is fear driven, and that's what I'm trying to overcome/work-through without losing my shit (I need to stay stable so basics get remembered) but my dissociation is automatic where fear/anger are concerned. Does this make sense?
Any ideas are welcome....because I'm really struggling with this.