ILoveLife
MyPTSD Pro
Hi all, long time no read.
I've been fairly active in life, studying and working in a bunch of new projects, in what I call "my journey after trauma treatment". I recently had a massive breakdown due to stress (not just the pandemic, but overwork and home situation).
I was living alone (no mom) with my pets before the pandemic and that wasn't to be changed anytime soon, so I was dealing with stuff I couldn't deal with while living with her, the deep-rooted anger and pain from her part of the abuse in my life. So when the pandemic hit, in March she came to join me. From there on out I had to do EVERYTHING for her, much more than before. Because she's a COPD patient, and before masks were a thing accepted in the Western part of the World, I did all the shopping, cooking, and she basically had two jobs: cleaning the kitchen and watering the garden (my garden), because she said it made her feel good. After a lot of my plants dying in her hands, I'm thinking I have to take control of that part of the work too.
The whole self-work on dealing with all that crap was abruptly interrupted by the pandemic and her presence, so I still have deep anger issues and I freak out sometimes, which leads to suicidal ideation.
I'm building an extensive curriculum through studying in Environment and Sustainability applied to Design (which was my area of studying before), and I'm great at it. I'm writing for a magazine, have my own publication and I'm working on collaborative massive work for sustainable development of a megacity with other people in terms of urbanism and applied ecological design... anyway, this all translates into a lot of work.
More so, when I don't cook, we don't eat. She has awful eating habits, decided I'm not to be a vegetarian so she does a manipulative play of not wanting vegetarian food, and when I cave she gets vegetables and asks why I'm not cooking vegetarian food. There's a lot more to it, but I'm too angry to write them all.
Anyway, we rescued a female puppy recently so now we have two dogs and two cats. She gives them food, I give affection, walks and they sleep with me.
Basically what is happening is that the puppy is aggressive, because of trauma before she got here. The vet taught me some tricks but basically, the puppy needs to have all the attention to herself, she's jealous of my other dog and becomes aggressive and destroys everything. The puppy was sleeping in my mom's room because it was impossible to manage my sleeping and two dogs and two cats, one of which could potentially be dangerous to sleep with me. A couple of nights ago, Yuki, the puppy was having a tantrum (baby thing of wanting to sleep but can't wind down) and she decided to put the puppy bed outside of her room and let me deal with it: result, I couldn't let the puppy sleep by herself in the living room while all the others were sleeping with me, she was crying until I brought her to my room. She slept all night, and well, but this last night she couldn't unwind and destroyed two of my bed pillows and when I tried to take it away she attacked me, like literally, and my other dog defended me. I put her in the living room for a while, then went to get her after she had calmed down.
The only period I had to myself in absolute calm and solitude was between 4 am and 6 am. At that time, I did art and yoga and meditated. Now with the puppy, I can't do anything.
I'm not resting enough from work, I can't sleep peacefully and the nightmares are back. I don't have time for myself.
I'm not blaming the puppy, but after 5 months of having her own space in my mom's room, she's acting out for not having her own space again, so she's becoming territorial.
My mom keeps the victim mode on, but she spends the entire day resting and doing crochet while I do all the rest. If for some reason I ask for her to make dinner or lunch, we usually only eat when I remind her it's way past normal eating hours, if only... sometimes I have to cook myself otherwise nobody eats.
Anyway, this wasn't like this before. She came back with a vengeance. I'm exhausted.
I think about suicide every week.
I scheduled an appointment with my therapist who keeps saying I'm great and there is no reason to worry. Basically, she graduated me from therapy.
I still take meds and they're effective at not keeping me completely out of sorts for the entire day.
I'm just so freaking exhausted all the time. The only periods I have to rest is when she decided to go for a drive and I say I don't want to go because I've got things to do (I never really do, I just want alone time).
We had a huge fight to the point of losing my voice. I lost my temper like I hadn't done since my teen years. She was aggressive, pushed me, and destroyed a box of chocolates out of anger. Things were calm for a while, but now we're back to her spoiled false-victimhood hysterical normal.
I don't know what to do. With the pandemic, I can't go live elsewhere, and if I did I bet that in a few months I had her breathing on my neck again. I'm tired of feeling invalidated constantly.
She becomes accusatory and blames me for pretty much her crappy existence and I've had enough.
Yesterday she wanted to talk to me about how she is a victim of the puppy and I shut her out, she became hysterical and screamed profanity and accusations, name-calling out loud, and all that. I remained statue-like and calmed down on my own, only raising my voice saying I didn't want to participate in that.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I already did the moving out thing, but here we are.
What is keeping me here at the moment are the pets and some shred of hope for a better future because I have no other reason to be alive. But this is basically what's been happening for the past 6 years, pets are the only reason that I'm still here.
Thanks,
cheers.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
I've been fairly active in life, studying and working in a bunch of new projects, in what I call "my journey after trauma treatment". I recently had a massive breakdown due to stress (not just the pandemic, but overwork and home situation).
I was living alone (no mom) with my pets before the pandemic and that wasn't to be changed anytime soon, so I was dealing with stuff I couldn't deal with while living with her, the deep-rooted anger and pain from her part of the abuse in my life. So when the pandemic hit, in March she came to join me. From there on out I had to do EVERYTHING for her, much more than before. Because she's a COPD patient, and before masks were a thing accepted in the Western part of the World, I did all the shopping, cooking, and she basically had two jobs: cleaning the kitchen and watering the garden (my garden), because she said it made her feel good. After a lot of my plants dying in her hands, I'm thinking I have to take control of that part of the work too.
The whole self-work on dealing with all that crap was abruptly interrupted by the pandemic and her presence, so I still have deep anger issues and I freak out sometimes, which leads to suicidal ideation.
I'm building an extensive curriculum through studying in Environment and Sustainability applied to Design (which was my area of studying before), and I'm great at it. I'm writing for a magazine, have my own publication and I'm working on collaborative massive work for sustainable development of a megacity with other people in terms of urbanism and applied ecological design... anyway, this all translates into a lot of work.
More so, when I don't cook, we don't eat. She has awful eating habits, decided I'm not to be a vegetarian so she does a manipulative play of not wanting vegetarian food, and when I cave she gets vegetables and asks why I'm not cooking vegetarian food. There's a lot more to it, but I'm too angry to write them all.
Anyway, we rescued a female puppy recently so now we have two dogs and two cats. She gives them food, I give affection, walks and they sleep with me.
Basically what is happening is that the puppy is aggressive, because of trauma before she got here. The vet taught me some tricks but basically, the puppy needs to have all the attention to herself, she's jealous of my other dog and becomes aggressive and destroys everything. The puppy was sleeping in my mom's room because it was impossible to manage my sleeping and two dogs and two cats, one of which could potentially be dangerous to sleep with me. A couple of nights ago, Yuki, the puppy was having a tantrum (baby thing of wanting to sleep but can't wind down) and she decided to put the puppy bed outside of her room and let me deal with it: result, I couldn't let the puppy sleep by herself in the living room while all the others were sleeping with me, she was crying until I brought her to my room. She slept all night, and well, but this last night she couldn't unwind and destroyed two of my bed pillows and when I tried to take it away she attacked me, like literally, and my other dog defended me. I put her in the living room for a while, then went to get her after she had calmed down.
The only period I had to myself in absolute calm and solitude was between 4 am and 6 am. At that time, I did art and yoga and meditated. Now with the puppy, I can't do anything.
I'm not resting enough from work, I can't sleep peacefully and the nightmares are back. I don't have time for myself.
I'm not blaming the puppy, but after 5 months of having her own space in my mom's room, she's acting out for not having her own space again, so she's becoming territorial.
My mom keeps the victim mode on, but she spends the entire day resting and doing crochet while I do all the rest. If for some reason I ask for her to make dinner or lunch, we usually only eat when I remind her it's way past normal eating hours, if only... sometimes I have to cook myself otherwise nobody eats.
Anyway, this wasn't like this before. She came back with a vengeance. I'm exhausted.
I think about suicide every week.
I scheduled an appointment with my therapist who keeps saying I'm great and there is no reason to worry. Basically, she graduated me from therapy.
I still take meds and they're effective at not keeping me completely out of sorts for the entire day.
I'm just so freaking exhausted all the time. The only periods I have to rest is when she decided to go for a drive and I say I don't want to go because I've got things to do (I never really do, I just want alone time).
We had a huge fight to the point of losing my voice. I lost my temper like I hadn't done since my teen years. She was aggressive, pushed me, and destroyed a box of chocolates out of anger. Things were calm for a while, but now we're back to her spoiled false-victimhood hysterical normal.
I don't know what to do. With the pandemic, I can't go live elsewhere, and if I did I bet that in a few months I had her breathing on my neck again. I'm tired of feeling invalidated constantly.
She becomes accusatory and blames me for pretty much her crappy existence and I've had enough.
Yesterday she wanted to talk to me about how she is a victim of the puppy and I shut her out, she became hysterical and screamed profanity and accusations, name-calling out loud, and all that. I remained statue-like and calmed down on my own, only raising my voice saying I didn't want to participate in that.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I already did the moving out thing, but here we are.
What is keeping me here at the moment are the pets and some shred of hope for a better future because I have no other reason to be alive. But this is basically what's been happening for the past 6 years, pets are the only reason that I'm still here.
Thanks,
cheers.
Hope everyone is doing ok.