Hi, I am brand new to this site, after reading a thread that was posted I feel this is a safe and welcoming place for people like me. I am currently 18 years old and turn 19 soon.
This is the first time I have every told anyone about what I've dealt with. I feel like it was brought on by me and I am to blame for it, I asked for it, etc.
When I was around 9 I began going on the internet lots, most of the time it was not restricted by my parents, just for some background info. No one had any idea and never suspected anything I guess. I was also struggling with my identity, my parents not being accepting about it and being emotionally unavailable to me either on purpose or not.
When I was in middle school, around 11-13 I had joined the website Tumblr. There I met a woman, at the time she was 28 years old. She knew my age as well. We talked quite a bit and she was very accepting of who I was and my identity and was one of the only people who gave me the support I needed. She said she loved me and would do anything for me. She even bought some stuff of mine off ebay when I used my dad's account. She was sexual towards me as well. It felt wrong but I felt like it was okay/normal because she gave me all this support and "love". This went on for a long time, maybe about a year or so. I don't remember how it ended.
There was a man I had met on that website as well. He was 26-27 and I think I had just turned 13 or 14. It was the same situation, he said he loved me, gave me the support I lacked, etc. He was more sexual towards me and would demand things, he introduced me to numerous sexual situations that would even involve him saying things he would do to my unconscious or lifeless body. I though that it was okay and felt stuck because without him I would be alone. I remember getting told by both of these people that my age was completely fine and just to not tell anyone or my parents. This stopped when I was around 15-16, I can't really remember either. I have no contact with either of them now.
When I turned 16 my parents began to come around and be more supportive of me and there for me. This is the first time I remember feeling like I was actually living.
Then I met a man online from a friend group of mine who was 24, and I was 16 going on 17 soon. I did cosplay and he really liked it. We talked a lot and when I turned 17 we met on a school trip while I was in Paris. We were intimate and everything seemed okay. We still talk now and are in kind of a relationship, he is from Europe and I am from the US though. I felt like I did genuinely love him and still do, but as I keep coming to terms with what has happened to me in the past it leaves me so confused, scared, and like I am isolated. I don't want things to end because I feel like I am not as naive as I was in my past, or maybe I am but just blinded by the fact that my life has been made up of these types of relationships.
I am so sorry this is a huge wall of text, and thank you to whoever has read this far. It truly means a lot to me.
I feel as if everything that has happened is from my own doing because I never stopped it and didn't try to fight it. I want to tell my therapist about everything (not just this) but I feel like I am always a hinderance when I share my feelings and a burden, even though I am not. I feel guilty even typing this all out.
If anyone has had a similar experience to mine, what have you done to overcome it? If you did go to therapy, how did you bring it up and do you think it was worth telling? I'm sick of living like this but I can't seem to accept fully that it happened.
Again, thank you so much to all who read this novel. :)
This is the first time I have every told anyone about what I've dealt with. I feel like it was brought on by me and I am to blame for it, I asked for it, etc.
When I was around 9 I began going on the internet lots, most of the time it was not restricted by my parents, just for some background info. No one had any idea and never suspected anything I guess. I was also struggling with my identity, my parents not being accepting about it and being emotionally unavailable to me either on purpose or not.
When I was in middle school, around 11-13 I had joined the website Tumblr. There I met a woman, at the time she was 28 years old. She knew my age as well. We talked quite a bit and she was very accepting of who I was and my identity and was one of the only people who gave me the support I needed. She said she loved me and would do anything for me. She even bought some stuff of mine off ebay when I used my dad's account. She was sexual towards me as well. It felt wrong but I felt like it was okay/normal because she gave me all this support and "love". This went on for a long time, maybe about a year or so. I don't remember how it ended.
There was a man I had met on that website as well. He was 26-27 and I think I had just turned 13 or 14. It was the same situation, he said he loved me, gave me the support I lacked, etc. He was more sexual towards me and would demand things, he introduced me to numerous sexual situations that would even involve him saying things he would do to my unconscious or lifeless body. I though that it was okay and felt stuck because without him I would be alone. I remember getting told by both of these people that my age was completely fine and just to not tell anyone or my parents. This stopped when I was around 15-16, I can't really remember either. I have no contact with either of them now.
When I turned 16 my parents began to come around and be more supportive of me and there for me. This is the first time I remember feeling like I was actually living.
Then I met a man online from a friend group of mine who was 24, and I was 16 going on 17 soon. I did cosplay and he really liked it. We talked a lot and when I turned 17 we met on a school trip while I was in Paris. We were intimate and everything seemed okay. We still talk now and are in kind of a relationship, he is from Europe and I am from the US though. I felt like I did genuinely love him and still do, but as I keep coming to terms with what has happened to me in the past it leaves me so confused, scared, and like I am isolated. I don't want things to end because I feel like I am not as naive as I was in my past, or maybe I am but just blinded by the fact that my life has been made up of these types of relationships.
I am so sorry this is a huge wall of text, and thank you to whoever has read this far. It truly means a lot to me.
I feel as if everything that has happened is from my own doing because I never stopped it and didn't try to fight it. I want to tell my therapist about everything (not just this) but I feel like I am always a hinderance when I share my feelings and a burden, even though I am not. I feel guilty even typing this all out.
If anyone has had a similar experience to mine, what have you done to overcome it? If you did go to therapy, how did you bring it up and do you think it was worth telling? I'm sick of living like this but I can't seem to accept fully that it happened.
Again, thank you so much to all who read this novel. :)