Hi guys. I am really struggling in every area of my life. For the last 6 months I have been in bed liberally for most of that time. My body feels dead my head is empty and I cant feel anything. I cant feel any connection to anything or anyone and i am married with a teenage son. I am very disconnected. I have constant tension in my face and my jaw feels like it is starting to deform lol. I have had these illnesses for a very long time but have not been physically affected for this long before. I have ptsd, bpd, depression and anxiety. I believe the affect on my body is the build up of all the grief. I lost my job in December, my son moved out in january I feel like I lost my husband to the church and community, and I lost my father in april. I think maybe it was the losses and my mind not being able to function or cope with it all. However I need to start feeling again. I have always turned to drinking to cope but made up my mind to not drink to cope with this. Because I want to understand what I am feeling and why and where the root of it all has come from. I feel like my ptsd has manifested into something so dangerous. I literally feel death Is just around the bend I can almost taste it. If that makes sense. I know i sound so selfish and I probably am but I am trying to survive. I have locked myself away from many people because I dont want to be around energies. I constantly post how I feel on social media because I hate talking. And can never express myself with verbal words. Music is my savioir and sometimes my biggest enemy. The week my dad died I was in bed and felt paralyzed. The night before he died my hubby was applying for a devorce online. Then the next day we got the news my dad had died. I was numb the whole time and couldnt feel anything which made me feel even worse. I was numb For about 3 months. After burying my father I ran away from my husband for 1 month to get away and breathe. During this time I slept with a mutual friend of mine and my husband I still was disconnected and numb. It has been 2 months since I have returned home. I am still disconnected and am pushing my husband away. I cant feel anything but tension and all I want to do is run away and be my own burden. I trust noone but i also dont want to die. I'm not sure what to do. Does anyone know what I should do because I cant figure it out and I'm just so drained