I think I was molested as a kid.
This is my first post and I'm making this while I'm high because I really don't think I can think about this sober. It's just too much.
But basically I have some pretty weird memories as a kid that are now sticking out to me as really not normal. I'm going to list them all and also some other stuff that I think is abnormal, and is all making me think maybe I was sexually abused as a kid.
In day care, I remember we would sleep on these cots and I would straight up hump the cot until I came. Like I was a CHILD and I remember the teachers/day care people watch me, like I was weird. Like I could tell they were trying to figure out what I was doing and were also sort of confused? Or maybe they knew? So I would sneakily do it anyway but that is a big one. Why is a kid in daycare masturbating? Like is that normal??? I remember I would feel really dirty after I did it, like the first time, but honestly that feeling sort of went away cause I would just keep touching myself.
Okay, I am really ashamed of this. But I remember I had a friend my age, and one day I told her to get in the closet, and I pushed her onto the ground and basically started to molest her. It makes me really sick to my stomach and feel guilty as f*ck but I remember touching her chest (nipples, specifically) and telling her that she was supposed to say No. And act like she didn't like it. And that is NOT normal child behavior. I dont know how old I was, maybe like 7-8? I don't know. Anyway, we obviously stopped being friends and I stopped hanging out with them. Because that's not normal.
And I also made another kid my age wear a thong we found in a closet. And he got uncomfortable and was like, stop, we just stopped and left.
Also, this is kind of gross, but I get off thinking about being abused and used. Like I feel disgusting, but I also am aroused by it. And rape stuff turns me on. I am pretty disgusted with myself but this is the truth. And why cant I really remember my childhood clearly? Like Im 24 and I have a pretty clear timeline of what happened in my life from middle school -> now but honestly things before elementary and during elementary are very hazy. I spent that time moving around with my relative instead of my actual parents and family and we traveled a lot because I didn't have to really go to school. But yeah that's pretty much my childhood as far as I can remember. Just traveling and going places.
Finally, I noticed that I only get turned on if someone touches my nipples. Or I touch my nipples. Basically that's like a hot zone on my body? I hope you get what I mean, that basically it's like a zone that feels aroused and turns me on. Sometimes when I get really frustrated or angry, I feel myself getting aroused specifically around there. It has recently started to stuck out to me as strange.
I am currently seeing a therapist and we have not talked about sexual abuse as a child. I kinda wanna bring it up but honestly this is SO MUCH and I dont think I will be able to speak about this to her without getting extremely emotional and overwhelmed. Also I dont even know if I actually was molested, but from my weird ass memories, I think I was.
This is my first post and I'm making this while I'm high because I really don't think I can think about this sober. It's just too much.
But basically I have some pretty weird memories as a kid that are now sticking out to me as really not normal. I'm going to list them all and also some other stuff that I think is abnormal, and is all making me think maybe I was sexually abused as a kid.
In day care, I remember we would sleep on these cots and I would straight up hump the cot until I came. Like I was a CHILD and I remember the teachers/day care people watch me, like I was weird. Like I could tell they were trying to figure out what I was doing and were also sort of confused? Or maybe they knew? So I would sneakily do it anyway but that is a big one. Why is a kid in daycare masturbating? Like is that normal??? I remember I would feel really dirty after I did it, like the first time, but honestly that feeling sort of went away cause I would just keep touching myself.
Okay, I am really ashamed of this. But I remember I had a friend my age, and one day I told her to get in the closet, and I pushed her onto the ground and basically started to molest her. It makes me really sick to my stomach and feel guilty as f*ck but I remember touching her chest (nipples, specifically) and telling her that she was supposed to say No. And act like she didn't like it. And that is NOT normal child behavior. I dont know how old I was, maybe like 7-8? I don't know. Anyway, we obviously stopped being friends and I stopped hanging out with them. Because that's not normal.
And I also made another kid my age wear a thong we found in a closet. And he got uncomfortable and was like, stop, we just stopped and left.
Also, this is kind of gross, but I get off thinking about being abused and used. Like I feel disgusting, but I also am aroused by it. And rape stuff turns me on. I am pretty disgusted with myself but this is the truth. And why cant I really remember my childhood clearly? Like Im 24 and I have a pretty clear timeline of what happened in my life from middle school -> now but honestly things before elementary and during elementary are very hazy. I spent that time moving around with my relative instead of my actual parents and family and we traveled a lot because I didn't have to really go to school. But yeah that's pretty much my childhood as far as I can remember. Just traveling and going places.
Finally, I noticed that I only get turned on if someone touches my nipples. Or I touch my nipples. Basically that's like a hot zone on my body? I hope you get what I mean, that basically it's like a zone that feels aroused and turns me on. Sometimes when I get really frustrated or angry, I feel myself getting aroused specifically around there. It has recently started to stuck out to me as strange.
I am currently seeing a therapist and we have not talked about sexual abuse as a child. I kinda wanna bring it up but honestly this is SO MUCH and I dont think I will be able to speak about this to her without getting extremely emotional and overwhelmed. Also I dont even know if I actually was molested, but from my weird ass memories, I think I was.