ConfusedandQuestioni
New Here
So basically I will give a background of my experiences. I am very traumatized, severe trust issues and cpstd from a childhood of being misunderstood and punished for what could have possibly been a learning disability or symptoms from abuse that were punished with more abuse. My grandma died when i was in grade 1 and i did not ever get talked to about it, she died and i was lost, school locked me in seclusion rooms for afternoons on end and parents and the school throughout elementary through high school "teamed up" against me to solve the issues they didn't realize they caused. I say teamed in quotes because obviously it was a vicious circle that neither side was aware of.
Now more recently I have become aware of some vague, abstract, possibly fragmented memory of sexual abuse. I remember another student in my kindergarten class stripping for the whole class which was absolutely ridiculous and disturbing, but i cannot remember if that was teacher approved or if she was abused herself and just did that when the teacher left the room. We all sat in a circle and sometimes she would do that. That never occured to be as abuse but ive recently become more aware of ANY sexual thing for children being traumatizing.
THAT being said thats a side note, the real concern for me is the vague memories of perhaps my mother touching me and a vague memory of her telling me to suck her nipple because "i used to do it" I must have been like 10 or something. I cant even remember if that memory is real and i have been gaslighting myself.
but there is more, I am in my late 20s so I am a early 90s baby, around 2008 or so everyone my age had "MSN messenger" and basically the entire neighbourhood would be on that, kids of all age groups on this chat and in group chats instant messaging. I was always a person on there that would try to be friendly and encouraging and I cannot remember but at some point I was persuaded to show my penis online to a person who did not have a cam on. There were moments where another kid my age would be on the camera and i view that as normal still because you can imagine kids in playgrounds "ill show you mine if you show me yours" throughout the years being a normal thing happening. but the thought of the camless people being adult has recently haunted me. Not only that, but i continued to do this until I was 19 years old because I simply did not know better.
When i was 15 or 16 a group of my friends were talking on messenger to this girl from another city and she showed them her "tits" and I felt left out, so naturally (at the time) I figured I would "show her mine if she showed me hers" so basically we were on cam (both cams on) and she was not showing me while we were chatting so I decided I would put my hand in my pants and see if that enticed her. It was at this time that she went offline and one of my friends messaged me asking me if it sucks that she blocked me, clearly triangulating me and now embarassing and shaming me. I have been traumatized by that and even if the friend was my age I view him as a co-molester for doing that but also i have become paranoid in everyday life because the reach this old friend group has in my life is still pervasive enough that I have pushed away from all relationship potential and friendships explode due to my lack of trust.
That combined with the camless people and vague memories of earlier that may have possibly led to the cam thing has come to my attention during the past year or so. I still know this guy over 10 years later and he is a complete douche bag. I am wondering now how wide ranging this abuse is as in the 2000s the internet was probably a gold mine for predators and nobody really knew what was going on. I am also looking for validation or acceptance that this guy, even though he was my age, molested me online. I can get over the camless people somewhat, shove it down a bit, but i cannot get over this idiot joining my video game lobbies and invading my privacy on a semi regular basis.
Please let me know what you think I really appreciate any ideas.
Now more recently I have become aware of some vague, abstract, possibly fragmented memory of sexual abuse. I remember another student in my kindergarten class stripping for the whole class which was absolutely ridiculous and disturbing, but i cannot remember if that was teacher approved or if she was abused herself and just did that when the teacher left the room. We all sat in a circle and sometimes she would do that. That never occured to be as abuse but ive recently become more aware of ANY sexual thing for children being traumatizing.
THAT being said thats a side note, the real concern for me is the vague memories of perhaps my mother touching me and a vague memory of her telling me to suck her nipple because "i used to do it" I must have been like 10 or something. I cant even remember if that memory is real and i have been gaslighting myself.
but there is more, I am in my late 20s so I am a early 90s baby, around 2008 or so everyone my age had "MSN messenger" and basically the entire neighbourhood would be on that, kids of all age groups on this chat and in group chats instant messaging. I was always a person on there that would try to be friendly and encouraging and I cannot remember but at some point I was persuaded to show my penis online to a person who did not have a cam on. There were moments where another kid my age would be on the camera and i view that as normal still because you can imagine kids in playgrounds "ill show you mine if you show me yours" throughout the years being a normal thing happening. but the thought of the camless people being adult has recently haunted me. Not only that, but i continued to do this until I was 19 years old because I simply did not know better.
When i was 15 or 16 a group of my friends were talking on messenger to this girl from another city and she showed them her "tits" and I felt left out, so naturally (at the time) I figured I would "show her mine if she showed me hers" so basically we were on cam (both cams on) and she was not showing me while we were chatting so I decided I would put my hand in my pants and see if that enticed her. It was at this time that she went offline and one of my friends messaged me asking me if it sucks that she blocked me, clearly triangulating me and now embarassing and shaming me. I have been traumatized by that and even if the friend was my age I view him as a co-molester for doing that but also i have become paranoid in everyday life because the reach this old friend group has in my life is still pervasive enough that I have pushed away from all relationship potential and friendships explode due to my lack of trust.
That combined with the camless people and vague memories of earlier that may have possibly led to the cam thing has come to my attention during the past year or so. I still know this guy over 10 years later and he is a complete douche bag. I am wondering now how wide ranging this abuse is as in the 2000s the internet was probably a gold mine for predators and nobody really knew what was going on. I am also looking for validation or acceptance that this guy, even though he was my age, molested me online. I can get over the camless people somewhat, shove it down a bit, but i cannot get over this idiot joining my video game lobbies and invading my privacy on a semi regular basis.
Please let me know what you think I really appreciate any ideas.