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5 years later

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daaysh

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I have recently been struggling with suicidal ideation. Everyday for the past few months. I might randomly have a great day, but overall I've been in a constant state of depression/self sabotage/ suicidal ideation.

Today I sat down wrote out what I imagined the lives of my loved ones would be like 5 yrs after I'm gone.
I went through all of my siblings (9) and my friends.
The person whose live would change the most is my fiancé. But to be quite frank I think that every aspect of his life would improve.
I am bad with money, I don't eat well, I don't have a career because I got so bored in college, I'm not great at cooking or cleaning, and I don't work out.
We have been together for over 7 yrs. Since we were 17/18. I know that at this point he is with me because of our shared history and not who I am today.
I imagined everything about his hypothetical life.
He would meet someone. They wouldn't date for long because he would just "know". They would get married and have 2 children.
She would probably have a degree in marketing or business (something to complement what he does). She would be beautiful and smart. She would like to stay active and get along great with his friends. She would not be socially awkward.
They would agree on everything politically and socially.
He would live near his parents and they would live a life similar to his parents and grandparents.
I can not think of a single reason that would not happen for him if I was out of his life.
 
I can not think of a single reason that would not happen for him if I was out of his life.
Spouses/Lovers of people who commit suicide often spiral out of control, crushed by depression, rage, grief, guilt, &…

- Kill themselves in response.
- Turn to self medicating with drugs/alcohol
- Turn to self destructive behaviors that cost them their jobs, friends/family, physical health, and even their lives.
- Develop one or more of MANY disorders & conditions (including PTSD, if he’s the one who found your body, or tried to save you as you died), or any disorder he already may have spike into unmanageable proportions.
- Never date again, as the last person they loved killed themselves

There are 5 very likely/probable futures (IE reasons “that would not happen”) for your fiancée if you kll yourself rather than break up with him. Out of dozens. None of them the fairytale you comfort yourself with.

He won’t be the same man you know NOW, after your death. Because your death will change him. In ways you cannot predict, nor control. That are exponentially more painful than a broken heart.

So if you’re deliberately trying to f*ck him over? So when you’re no longer with him it’s not like you broke up and he went on to live the most likely life in his path, but because you’re dead? Be honest about that. If not? Then it’s time to get honest about the effects someone you love killing themselves has on people.

Because there are dozens of reasons your fantasy of his amazing life without you wouldn’t have a snowflakes chance in hell; rather than not a single reason it wouldn’t. How little you value yourself isn’t how little it effects others. The effects are profound, and life altering, and violently destructive.
 
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I have recently been struggling with suicidal ideation. Everyday for the past few months. I might randomly have a great day, but overall I've been in a constant state of depression/self sabotage/ suicidal ideation.

Today I sat down wrote out what I imagined the lives of my loved ones would be like 5 yrs after I'm gone.
I went through all of my siblings (9) and my friends.
The person whose live would change the most is my fiancé. But to be quite frank I think that every aspect of his life would improve.
I am bad with money, I don't eat well, I don't have a career because I got so bored in college, I'm not great at cooking or cleaning, and I don't work out.
We have been together for over 7 yrs. Since we were 17/18. I know that at this point he is with me because of our shared history and not who I am today.
I imagined everything about his hypothetical life.
He would meet someone. They wouldn't date for long because he would just "know". They would get married and have 2 children.
She would probably have a degree in marketing or business (something to complement what he does). She would be beautiful and smart. She would like to stay active and get along great with his friends. She would not be socially awkward.
They would agree on everything politically and socially.
He would live near his parents and they would live a life similar to his parents and grandparents.
I can not think of a single reason that would not happen for him if I was out of his life.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I agree with @Friday, but I also know how hard having SI is and the toll it can take on loved ones. It’s hard to feel like we are burdens on others.

Do you have a therapist you are working with? Have you tried medications? Hope you are able to build up your support network and find some peace and happiness soon.
 
@daaysh, first I want to say how sorrowful I feel for you as I have been where you are and have fought SI throughout my life (I'm old). I hope you will consider medication to help or a med change if you are already on meds.

I truly believe we have a chemical imbalance in our brains that until the non-pharmacutical methods can treat depression effectively and consistently, our best hope is to let medicine take us out of this very dangerous place.

My bet is that you don't truly want to die, you just want the emotional pain and suffering to end. At least that is what is true for me.

Your lists: We do this to ourselves, it's part of the depression...Get to that place where we truly believe our loved one's lives would be better off without us...even write out complex, bulleted lists to establish "proof". That is our depressed, injured brain lying to us as a desperate means to find a way out of the suffering...it is not true or real.

A person with a chemically balanced brain does not have these thoughts, much less entertain them, and finally go so far as to write out justification for not being on the planet. Do you know about or use a depression scale on a regular basis?

I want to reiterate; in the moment, you have an injured, imbalanced brain. It does not have to be this way and if corrected will take you out of the depths of despair, darkness and hopelessness you are in right now.

Finally, please take it from me. My mom and dad's best friend took his life and that of his wife's when I was sixteen. They lived next door. Not even a family member. It was and remains one of the most traumatizing events of my life almost 40 years later. Life does NOT get magically better for those left behind after a suicide. It destroyed my mother. She became SI herself as @Friday stats indicate above. My mom would call my older sister to tell her (threaten) that she was going to take her own life. That traumatized my sister. She fights depression and SI to this day as well.

When someone takes their life, it causes a ripple effect of extreme trauma in every direction of those around them...Family, firends, loved one's, their loved one's. Please repeat that sentance to yourself until you get the help you so desperately need and deserve. Write that sentence down until you get the help you need.

I hope you keep posting here. It will help take the overwhelming power out of those thoughts and ideations.

Sitting with you. Listening.
 
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