barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
I posted here recently about a miscommunication/upset with my therapist.
I totally get that we’re all human. And I’m ok with her making a mistake. I think the thing I find particularly challenging is inconsistency. And, along with that, people not being straightforward and transparent.
If my T has consistently been a certain way/has said certain things over the years…and then she does or says something completely different (without communicating anything about it) I find it very unsettling and anxiety-making. Because I find it quite headf*cky. And that is then heightened further when she expresses surprise at my surprise!
So, when this kind of inconsistency shows up - and especially at times when she doesn’t really own it - I find that it’s hard to see her as trustworthy. And she/sessions feel unsafe. Or, at least, I don’t feel fully safe.
We’ve worked together for several years. I like her. We get on. I believe she’s a good person. I believe that she thinks well of me and wants to help and that she doesn’t ever intend to cause upset. We have done some good work together. So, intellectually, I know that things are/she is ok.
Nevertheless, it’s difficult to shake the current feeling of her not being safe/trustworthy. And the thought of being vulnerable with her and talking about difficult things is just…like, I’m just not feeling it. It doesn’t feel possible right now.
We have had various ruptures along the way, which I always find upsetting and stressful. But we talk about it and - sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes a few sessions - we always seem to emerge with a stronger therapeutic alliance. And then it sort of refocuses the work and then we crack on.
I think the difference with this blip is that, before it happened, we were in the middle of working on some important stuff. Stuff that I haven’t really been able to ‘go there‘ with until now. So, it feels like it’s happened at a really vulnerable time. Sessions have felt difficult, but I have also felt really pleased that we’re getting stuck in and starting to explore stuff that I guess I have been avoiding for years.
I want to pick it back up and continue to build momentum around it, as we had been doing. But the thought of talking about such difficult, triggery, traumatic material…how do I do that?!
How do any of you do that when you’ve had a bit of a rupture with your therapist and don’t feel 100% safe? (Even though, intellectually, you know you are!)
I really don’t want to waste loads of time and money doing ‘light’ sessions about nothing very important because I don’t feel ok to dive back into the difficult, painful stuff.
Is the simple answer that I just have to put on my big girl pants and say something about the hard topic and make myself do it? In other words, do I just need to force it and ignore the unsafe feelings?
I totally get that we’re all human. And I’m ok with her making a mistake. I think the thing I find particularly challenging is inconsistency. And, along with that, people not being straightforward and transparent.
If my T has consistently been a certain way/has said certain things over the years…and then she does or says something completely different (without communicating anything about it) I find it very unsettling and anxiety-making. Because I find it quite headf*cky. And that is then heightened further when she expresses surprise at my surprise!
So, when this kind of inconsistency shows up - and especially at times when she doesn’t really own it - I find that it’s hard to see her as trustworthy. And she/sessions feel unsafe. Or, at least, I don’t feel fully safe.
We’ve worked together for several years. I like her. We get on. I believe she’s a good person. I believe that she thinks well of me and wants to help and that she doesn’t ever intend to cause upset. We have done some good work together. So, intellectually, I know that things are/she is ok.
Nevertheless, it’s difficult to shake the current feeling of her not being safe/trustworthy. And the thought of being vulnerable with her and talking about difficult things is just…like, I’m just not feeling it. It doesn’t feel possible right now.
We have had various ruptures along the way, which I always find upsetting and stressful. But we talk about it and - sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes a few sessions - we always seem to emerge with a stronger therapeutic alliance. And then it sort of refocuses the work and then we crack on.
I think the difference with this blip is that, before it happened, we were in the middle of working on some important stuff. Stuff that I haven’t really been able to ‘go there‘ with until now. So, it feels like it’s happened at a really vulnerable time. Sessions have felt difficult, but I have also felt really pleased that we’re getting stuck in and starting to explore stuff that I guess I have been avoiding for years.
I want to pick it back up and continue to build momentum around it, as we had been doing. But the thought of talking about such difficult, triggery, traumatic material…how do I do that?!
How do any of you do that when you’ve had a bit of a rupture with your therapist and don’t feel 100% safe? (Even though, intellectually, you know you are!)
I really don’t want to waste loads of time and money doing ‘light’ sessions about nothing very important because I don’t feel ok to dive back into the difficult, painful stuff.
Is the simple answer that I just have to put on my big girl pants and say something about the hard topic and make myself do it? In other words, do I just need to force it and ignore the unsafe feelings?