StrawberryFields
New Here
I don't know if I'm posting in the right place.
My father abused me verbally emotionally and mentally from a very early age (did it to my mother and sister) and was occasionally violent. There were death threats, use of weapons, a lot of invalidation emotional neglect and cruel put downs.
I was very scared of him. We all were. I spent my life self destructing in various different ways and in much fear. This was most of my life until my late 20s and early 30s when he started to acknowledge some of what he did ( he doesn't remember it all, only the abuse of me as a small child and says that as a teenager and 20s I was v.difficult and that maybe I perceived myself as abused then when I wasn't. He also cannot remember assaulting my sister at age 14 with a knife)
He still occasionally screams abuse at my mother in front of me and he puts my sister down a lot but he has told me he feels guilty about hurting me as a little child. I have been in and out of treatment with BPD and complex ptsd for over two decades now (back when it started he dismissed it as attention seeking and faking). I think he feels guilty.
I have forgiven him because I don't want to hear grudges against him but I am v boundaries about spending time with him. Because I hate the way he treats my mum and my sister. And I know he still has a temper. It wasn't asserting boundaries because he and my mum would minimise a lot and tell me to stop "founding off."
The thing is, I feel a sense of shame that I'm still struggling so much with my emotional health. So many issues with trust, feeling worthy and feeling safe etc and I still self destruct. Dissociative symptoms are less but haven't gone 100%. I know I have made progress since I started trauma therapy and DBT, but I also feel bad because really my dad is lovely to me now.
I should be fine shouldn't I? I don't want to cause my dad guilt . He has done more than enough to repair things between us although when under him abusing my mum and sister I am tempted to cut contact. Maybe to make him realise how damaging he is being to them. They are high functioning compared to me but they do struggle and I feel angry that they have to feel bad.
But for me...I worry I am milking this somehow. My symptoms are real but why aren't I better?
I will say that I had serious bullying at my primary school and was sexually assaulted by more than one person at different stages of my childhood. My sister tells me dad was mildly inappropriate with her in her teens, making comments about her developing body and once got his penis out at her but he never did anything sexual with me that I can remember (although I completely repressed what my grandpa did to me as a 3 year old until I was told about it later, so my early memories aren't complete. So I may still be a mess because of that .
I struggle with binge eating very badly and I feel like am trying to fill a void inside which I had been feeling since I was very young . I struggle with a sense of self and of identity and shame and social anxiety even paranoia which can get quite bad at times. To the point I lost a really good trauma therapist a few months ago and I kept seeing invalidation and that they were disbelieving me when they weren't .
I'm now with a different trauma therapist. Only had a few sessions. Seems very nice but am not quite ready to really trust her yet. I've held back. I know I shouldn't but I had 4 years with last therapist individually and 9 months with them in group, and I've only had a month with this new one!
My father abused me verbally emotionally and mentally from a very early age (did it to my mother and sister) and was occasionally violent. There were death threats, use of weapons, a lot of invalidation emotional neglect and cruel put downs.
I was very scared of him. We all were. I spent my life self destructing in various different ways and in much fear. This was most of my life until my late 20s and early 30s when he started to acknowledge some of what he did ( he doesn't remember it all, only the abuse of me as a small child and says that as a teenager and 20s I was v.difficult and that maybe I perceived myself as abused then when I wasn't. He also cannot remember assaulting my sister at age 14 with a knife)
He still occasionally screams abuse at my mother in front of me and he puts my sister down a lot but he has told me he feels guilty about hurting me as a little child. I have been in and out of treatment with BPD and complex ptsd for over two decades now (back when it started he dismissed it as attention seeking and faking). I think he feels guilty.
I have forgiven him because I don't want to hear grudges against him but I am v boundaries about spending time with him. Because I hate the way he treats my mum and my sister. And I know he still has a temper. It wasn't asserting boundaries because he and my mum would minimise a lot and tell me to stop "founding off."
The thing is, I feel a sense of shame that I'm still struggling so much with my emotional health. So many issues with trust, feeling worthy and feeling safe etc and I still self destruct. Dissociative symptoms are less but haven't gone 100%. I know I have made progress since I started trauma therapy and DBT, but I also feel bad because really my dad is lovely to me now.
I should be fine shouldn't I? I don't want to cause my dad guilt . He has done more than enough to repair things between us although when under him abusing my mum and sister I am tempted to cut contact. Maybe to make him realise how damaging he is being to them. They are high functioning compared to me but they do struggle and I feel angry that they have to feel bad.
But for me...I worry I am milking this somehow. My symptoms are real but why aren't I better?
I will say that I had serious bullying at my primary school and was sexually assaulted by more than one person at different stages of my childhood. My sister tells me dad was mildly inappropriate with her in her teens, making comments about her developing body and once got his penis out at her but he never did anything sexual with me that I can remember (although I completely repressed what my grandpa did to me as a 3 year old until I was told about it later, so my early memories aren't complete. So I may still be a mess because of that .
I struggle with binge eating very badly and I feel like am trying to fill a void inside which I had been feeling since I was very young . I struggle with a sense of self and of identity and shame and social anxiety even paranoia which can get quite bad at times. To the point I lost a really good trauma therapist a few months ago and I kept seeing invalidation and that they were disbelieving me when they weren't .
I'm now with a different trauma therapist. Only had a few sessions. Seems very nice but am not quite ready to really trust her yet. I've held back. I know I shouldn't but I had 4 years with last therapist individually and 9 months with them in group, and I've only had a month with this new one!
Last edited by a moderator: