im in distress right now. Im a college student who's home for summer and immediately upon coming home I feel more vulnerable and on edge. Its gotten better than its been in the past. But i still feel very vigillant.
The problem is my brother. But the problem is really me and my stuck perception of my brother.
When we were kids we did sexual things together and I've been scarred by it ever since. In general, even besides that, he was someone who i felt held power over me. He was unpredictable and loud and agressive and i tried as hard as i could to seal myself away from him. Over the past couple years ive slowly remembered and confronted what happened and its been a blessing and a curse. It was like opening up pandoras box. I can see myself healing slowly (its easy to say healing isnt linear till its you who walks one step forwards and gets sent 3 steps back -_- ) but it also feels like.. its eaten up and consumed a lot of my mind, my energy, etc. more and more mundane things have started to remind me of it. more and more mundane things have started to make me think about it and think that I wanted to be incestuous and I wanted what happened to me and that im never going to be able to escape from my first introduction to sexuality being my f*cking brother. That for the rest of my life, sex and my brother will be permenantly linked and i'll never be able to escape from that truth. and now im home and just seeing him and how much hes grown since i left.. i feel so awful. like physically and mentally and i feel like an asshole! because he's changed and hes a good person and he's actively kinder and the best version of himself thats EVER been in my life.
but i cant forget cowering in fear because of him. and his presence just feels like the physical manifestation of my trauma. and thats not fair. and thats not true. and theres a lot on my mind and im trying to just watch youtube and decompress and distract myself but i feel utterly surrounded by this. I thought i was ready to mend our relationship as siblings but i dont know anymore.
I know im an adult. im more confident and capable and have grown so much, especially recently. and it feels like a kick to the chest. my inner child isnt just a part of me, it feels like I slowly revert back into them the more time I spend here at home.
how do i make it stop. I know this is a loaded question. i just need any help i can get i guess.
The problem is my brother. But the problem is really me and my stuck perception of my brother.
When we were kids we did sexual things together and I've been scarred by it ever since. In general, even besides that, he was someone who i felt held power over me. He was unpredictable and loud and agressive and i tried as hard as i could to seal myself away from him. Over the past couple years ive slowly remembered and confronted what happened and its been a blessing and a curse. It was like opening up pandoras box. I can see myself healing slowly (its easy to say healing isnt linear till its you who walks one step forwards and gets sent 3 steps back -_- ) but it also feels like.. its eaten up and consumed a lot of my mind, my energy, etc. more and more mundane things have started to remind me of it. more and more mundane things have started to make me think about it and think that I wanted to be incestuous and I wanted what happened to me and that im never going to be able to escape from my first introduction to sexuality being my f*cking brother. That for the rest of my life, sex and my brother will be permenantly linked and i'll never be able to escape from that truth. and now im home and just seeing him and how much hes grown since i left.. i feel so awful. like physically and mentally and i feel like an asshole! because he's changed and hes a good person and he's actively kinder and the best version of himself thats EVER been in my life.
but i cant forget cowering in fear because of him. and his presence just feels like the physical manifestation of my trauma. and thats not fair. and thats not true. and theres a lot on my mind and im trying to just watch youtube and decompress and distract myself but i feel utterly surrounded by this. I thought i was ready to mend our relationship as siblings but i dont know anymore.
I know im an adult. im more confident and capable and have grown so much, especially recently. and it feels like a kick to the chest. my inner child isnt just a part of me, it feels like I slowly revert back into them the more time I spend here at home.
how do i make it stop. I know this is a loaded question. i just need any help i can get i guess.
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