My husband, who’s a firefighter off work for ptsd, doesn’t seem aware of how he comes across in conversation. Here’s an example…
I’ll ask a question, like how long has the turkey been thawing in the fridge, and his answer will sound combative and defensive. My reaction, after several rounds of this, is usually to just be quiet. When he realizes that, he starts a happy and lighthearted conversation to try and get me engaged.
So I asked him straight up today, where does his awareness begin that the interaction has gone wrong? He said he noticed that I’m quiet and wants to engage but doesn’t know why I’m quiet. I asked if he realized I was reacting to a change in him and he has no awareness of that.
I’m assuming me going quiet (which is instinct and not done on purpose as a punishment or cold shoulder or anything) isn’t helpful. Today asking him that question nipped things in the bud. But usually it ends up going round and round and honestly I get resentful and upset and sometimes I even let it ruin my whole day. (I’m working on this part in therapy)
So I guess my question is…what can I do or say to stop things from going bad once that initial back and forth has taken place? Should I outright say that I’m frustrated by his tone/response/demeanour? Should I not say anything, and when he starts with the happy and engaged conversation just let go of the negative interaction?
I’m afraid my resentment will grow if I don’t figure this out.
I’ll ask a question, like how long has the turkey been thawing in the fridge, and his answer will sound combative and defensive. My reaction, after several rounds of this, is usually to just be quiet. When he realizes that, he starts a happy and lighthearted conversation to try and get me engaged.
So I asked him straight up today, where does his awareness begin that the interaction has gone wrong? He said he noticed that I’m quiet and wants to engage but doesn’t know why I’m quiet. I asked if he realized I was reacting to a change in him and he has no awareness of that.
I’m assuming me going quiet (which is instinct and not done on purpose as a punishment or cold shoulder or anything) isn’t helpful. Today asking him that question nipped things in the bud. But usually it ends up going round and round and honestly I get resentful and upset and sometimes I even let it ruin my whole day. (I’m working on this part in therapy)
So I guess my question is…what can I do or say to stop things from going bad once that initial back and forth has taken place? Should I outright say that I’m frustrated by his tone/response/demeanour? Should I not say anything, and when he starts with the happy and engaged conversation just let go of the negative interaction?
I’m afraid my resentment will grow if I don’t figure this out.