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First attempt at setting boundaries with abuser

H

hbee31

Tomorrow night I’m going to dinner with my mom, who is a classic case of an emotionally negligent/immature codependent. This will be my first one-on-one with her since I got diagnosed with CPTSD I have tried phasing her out of my life gradually, not answering phone calls, telling her my son can’t spend the night, etc. I know what’s coming: the guilt trip about not being available to her. I plan on telling her that I’m not interested in a relationship and that my son can’t stay at her house anymore, but that she can come see him on occasion with notice. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has advice or experience with something similar. I think I’ve avoided her to protect her feelings in a way, because she thinks she was a good mom. I can already feel the guilt/shame building
 
Good for you for putting in boundaires and making these healthy decisions for you and your son.

I have reduced contact with my mum. I haven't explained why. No point. As she is incapable of hearing or even sitting through a conversation like that (if she gets a slightest challenge I get "my ear hurts I have to end this call" or someother nonsense).

I feel like I need an armour around my mum to not let the guilt seep in. But also, what stops the guilt seeping in is a real understanding that this is on them. You are only putting in this boundary as a result of their inability to be different. So no guilt needed. Hope you can hold on to that.

Also, you can leave the meeting with your mum at any point you wish to. You don't need to sit through anything that becomes unproductive.

Hope it goes well.
 
Our own family members can be some of the worst people in our lives. Telling her that you are not interested in a relationship could be devastating. How would this impact your son? You don't have to erase her from your life totally. Seeing her occasionally is a good idea.
You establish all the parameters and if she doesn't like it, then it is on her. There is no need for you to feel guilty. Being around certain people can make us crazy, even if it is a family member.
 
Telling her that you are not interested in a relationship could be devastating. How would this impact your son? You don't have to erase her from your life totally. Seeing her occasionally is a good idea.
Devastating for who? Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is break all contact with an abusive person. Anyway, sounds as though the OP has made their decision and just wanted support from people who have been through something similar.
 
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