goingonhope
MyPTSD Pro
This is awful tonight. I can't stand to be in my own skin and head. Boom.....It just suddenly wants and is going to have it's way with me, and nothing else matters to it. I thought life was going fairly well for a little while there and suddenly Boom.....Absolutely must sleep, but can't. Have been feeling deep feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. And, these feelings have been broadening and increasing and now I'm feeling guilty, depressed, terribly frightened and with feelings of hopelessness.
It all sucks so bad tonight and I damn well hope it doesn't take me for a ride for days or weeks to come without any relief from it.
I don't know what to say, do, think, not think whatever. I'm lost! Tonight as I attempted sleep out of nowhere I was flooded with memories of and started remembering and thinking of each sexual encounter in my twenties. Now I simply don't think of these yrs. It wasn't until tonight, that mostly part of an amnesiac state of mind or something lifted. Most memories were lost to the present for that matter, up until it all slowly crept back in, hitting me terribly hard and claiming me on any given day.
I hate this crap. I'm driving myself crazy with the past and I have no control over it again.
I don't want to even say anything more, I just really want to sleep but it's not happening, and I quite literally feel tortured with feelings, my memories and my thinking tonight. I didn't even want to get out of bed, but there is only so long I can stand laying there feeling and thinking the way I do and being unable to sleep and not having the faintest clue as to how to make it all just go the fck away.
I have a therap. retreat planned for tommorrow, and I haven't a clue if I'm going to really be able to show up now, what I'm going to address and tackle, or whether I even should.
I know this sounds like one big f'n complaint. I should grin and bear it, and suck it up, but for crying out loud people can only take so many hits and surprises before they crack or give-up. I can't ever be hospitalized again. Hospitalization is just not an option for me, and quite practically so.
Please pardon me, for being so suddenly out of it tonight.
I do hope I make that retreat tommorrow all right, and if so I'll be gone for a few days.
Does anyone ever feel like they've lived, know(n) and understand way to much for their brainhousing to cope any longer with?
or,
Does anyone seemingly self-sabotage their own peace of mind still?
.........And, please no one tell me that I shouldn't be feeling and thinking this way as there is not a damn thing I can do to influence change in how I'm feeling and thinking right now, as this condition takes over and has a complete desire and path of it's own with me at times and simply doesn't regard how I think or feel about it. Hell, this sucks!
Hope
It all sucks so bad tonight and I damn well hope it doesn't take me for a ride for days or weeks to come without any relief from it.
I don't know what to say, do, think, not think whatever. I'm lost! Tonight as I attempted sleep out of nowhere I was flooded with memories of and started remembering and thinking of each sexual encounter in my twenties. Now I simply don't think of these yrs. It wasn't until tonight, that mostly part of an amnesiac state of mind or something lifted. Most memories were lost to the present for that matter, up until it all slowly crept back in, hitting me terribly hard and claiming me on any given day.
I hate this crap. I'm driving myself crazy with the past and I have no control over it again.
I don't want to even say anything more, I just really want to sleep but it's not happening, and I quite literally feel tortured with feelings, my memories and my thinking tonight. I didn't even want to get out of bed, but there is only so long I can stand laying there feeling and thinking the way I do and being unable to sleep and not having the faintest clue as to how to make it all just go the fck away.
I have a therap. retreat planned for tommorrow, and I haven't a clue if I'm going to really be able to show up now, what I'm going to address and tackle, or whether I even should.
I know this sounds like one big f'n complaint. I should grin and bear it, and suck it up, but for crying out loud people can only take so many hits and surprises before they crack or give-up. I can't ever be hospitalized again. Hospitalization is just not an option for me, and quite practically so.
Please pardon me, for being so suddenly out of it tonight.
I do hope I make that retreat tommorrow all right, and if so I'll be gone for a few days.
Does anyone ever feel like they've lived, know(n) and understand way to much for their brainhousing to cope any longer with?
or,
Does anyone seemingly self-sabotage their own peace of mind still?
.........And, please no one tell me that I shouldn't be feeling and thinking this way as there is not a damn thing I can do to influence change in how I'm feeling and thinking right now, as this condition takes over and has a complete desire and path of it's own with me at times and simply doesn't regard how I think or feel about it. Hell, this sucks!
Hope