Hi all, i'm new to posting, but have been reading the message board for a while now. First of all, i have to say that you all are so full of encouragement, and i like how the sufferer's view and the carer's view can be shared in one place...and everyone helps. This was just what i was looking for.
My bf ended our relationship for reasons he said couldn't explain. He's military and constantly deploying. He wanted to still be friends, but i was having a hard time accepting that, since my feelings were still very strong. Anytime i told him i can't do this anymore, and i need to let go, we got into a huge fight, and wouldn't talk for a while. Then we would end up reconciling and talking again. He knew i was hurting and was upset, and it would make him upset too, but nothing changed. I guess i just wanted closure to the break up, but wasn't getting it because i didn't know why he ended it. It got to a point where i was absolutely drained from everything. At this point i figured it's probably ptsd, but at the same time i wasn't too sure because he would tell me from time to time that he misses me, and thinks of me everyday, that his thoughts of me make him happy and they help him sleep at night, that he does love me and want me, but he feels dead inside. He said he needs to find his own answers and doesn't want any help from anyone, because it tears him down rather than bring him up. Also he said nobody, including me, will ever understand what he's going through.
I guess it just got to a point where it was too much push and pull for me. I was trying to be there for him and encourage him to get some help, and just trying to be a good friend to him, since he wanted to remain friends after the break up. On the other hand i was struggling with being his friend because it was killing me inside that i had such strong feelings for him still, and overnight it seemed like he lost all feelings. Anytime i would talk about the break up and try and either get closure for myself, or try and fix the relationship, he would get really mad at me and dissapear for a while. Yet, he would come back later and talk to me as if everything was just fine and nothing happened before. This was really doing a number on me, i was so confusedddd. I didn't know if he ended it because of some particular reason...like did he fall out of love with me, has he met someone else, did i do something wrong?? Or if he ended it because he's numb and possibly has ptsd but just doesn't know it yet? I guess that's why i stuck around for so long, because i wanted to believe it was possibly ptsd.
(Just an FYI: As soon as i saw signs of ptsd, i sent him some information to read and did not pressure him to get back to me, but only when he was ready. He appreciated my help and the information but said he felt too uncomfortable to talk about anything, or the possibility of ptsd. He also said he knows that isn't what i want to hear, but he doesn't know what else to say...he's just confused and doesn't have a clue.)
He was showing signs of ptsd very clearly, IMO...from his actions, behavior, attitude, personality, including some of the things he shared with me that bother him sometimes. I believe he was talking about flashbacks (but didn't realize that's what he was having since he described it as being a weird and strange thing and he doesn't feel normal for it). He also told me he has countless thoughts about the people in Afghan/Iraq cities he's been into and wonders how many survived, how many are injured, how many children are injured or have been killed, are the children without parents, how many mothers have died, pregnant women.
He said his mind is consumed with thoughts of children--he finds himself thinking of situations where he sees children about to be hurt or killed, and right before it happens, he fades out and comes around, and doesn't realize what just happened, and the whole time it was happening his body was frozen. I'm not too sure, but i thought these might be flashbacks perhaps? Am i wrong? Is it something else?
He doesn't sleep well, he barely sleeps, he can't fall asleep, he wakes up randomly, he's always exhausted, his mind shuts down on him and he can't concentrate sometimes, his typing skills have gotten worse over time; he can't spell simple words anymore. He thinks he's gotten dumber over the years. He doesn't like to smile or laugh anymore and if he finds himself doing so, he quickly stops and goes back to his serious mode, i guess.
His co-workers think he's changed, they joke with him telling him he needs to see a therapist, and he's always off daydreaming or on another planet. He spends long days in the office...longer than he should have to. I think he's become a workaholic.
It's gotten to the point that we don't even talk anymore, he had stopped contacting me completely through email or instant messenger, and i wasn't able to call him since he's in iraq, and he didn't call me either though. I told him i needed some time and space to heal, and get over the break up because it still hurts quite bad. I still love him, i always will, i want to fix our relationship and i want him back, but i can't handle this anymore...there's just too many conflicting emotions i'm feeling. It's such a cycle...he shares and opens up a little about what he thinks about or whats bothering him, i listen, then he dissapears for a while, i get distraught because he's dissapeared for so long and try and email him and i show my concern for him and pour my heart out to him, he rejects it politely, i get bitter, we argue, we don't talk for a while...then he comes back to talk to me again after a while. AND THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF.
**sighhhh** This has all happened while he's on this current deployment. It's been so hard to deal with it. In 7 months of being there, he has called me ONCE, and that was after he read my LAST email attempt to cut ties with him because i couldn't do this anymore. During that conversation we didn't talk about anything to do with the relationship or my email, or anything he's going through. I tried to lighten the mood though and we had a few jokes and a good conversation i suppose, but only because i made sure i sounded okay and happy, so that he could be in a more comfortable mood too.
When i wrote the most recent email to him telling him i need time to heal and gather my thoughts and i won't be contacting him for now, he actually accepted it, but this is where he also admitted that he has a mental weakness, and is embarrassed by it, and he needs to find the answers himself, without anyones help. He also told me that he tried to tell me in the very beginning that he is a brick wall, and doesn't share anything with people close to him, and that i wouldn't totally accept that. He said he's dead inside, but he still cares about me, misses me, loves me, and thinks of me everyday, as i mentioned before. I feel like he finally let the cat out of the bag to me in his response, confirming that he does have a problem and that he needs to deal with it alone.
Why did he wait so long to finally tell me this? I have a feeling he's had this for a while, but it's progressively gotten worse over time. Did he not tell me because he didn't want to lose me entirely, even though he ended it? Am i doing the right thing by backing off and not contacting him now? Is that what he wants? I have no clue what he wants. I always wonder if we will ever get back together again. This is the guy who told me a few months back that he wants to marry me and have children together.
I just don't know what to do anymore, or what i can even do to help him. Even though we have no contact right now, should i still let him know that i care and that i'm here for him? This is just so overwhelming for me. I feel like i'm constantly stepping on eggshells with him..and he told me he feels like he's stepping on eggshells around me.
I don't know, but i just feel so guilty for cutting all communication with him, i feel like he was expecting something more when i replied to his last e-mail, but i didnt. I just told him i hope he finds his answers soon, and that he feels better.
OK, Now on to me:
I've had 2 "episodes" this week, where i have felt like i was literally going to die, and had no idea what was going on. One occured when i was asleep--i woke up out of nowhere and couldn't breathe, sweated profusely to the point that i felt like i just stepped out of the shower and my shirt was soaked, i couldn't move, or breathe, my heart was racing..i got out of my bed and tried to stand up and make my way to the bathroom. I could barely walk, i felt like my legs were giving way on me. I struggled to get to the bathroom and without knowing what i was actually doing, i ended up laying down on my bathroom floor. At that point, i felt like i was having an out of body experience, it was so strange, i didn't know where i was, or what was going on. I felt like i couldn't function, or think at all. My stomach was hurting bad, and i felt nauseous, but i couldn't throw anything up. I also ended up with diahrrea for 40 minutes. I really thought i was going to die, it felt like a heart attack, my throat became the size of a straw. It really scared me and shook me up for the rest of the day.
Since that episode which was on the 31st october, i have had a tingly and numb feeling in my feet and hands ever since. I also have constant butterflies in my stomach, they never EVER go. They're always there. I feel like im nervous about something but i don't know what. I always feel worried, and i don't know what i'm worried over. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. My body is constantly shaking, particularly my hands and feet. I feel my heart racing at times, and i get headaches a lot. Sometimes i get stomach pains. I've lost my appetite, and can't stand looking at food anymore. I struggle to eat, and i've lost 15lbs in 3 weeks. I have sudden outbursts of tears, and i just cry so hard, and i feel a pain in my chest.
The second "episode" was this morning. I was already awake, but i felt my legs just go dead, and the same thing happened again, minus the severe sweating. And i still have the butterflies constantly and the nervous worried feeling. It never leaves. I also noticed that my memory has gotten weaker. When someone says something to me, i literally forget it 2 minutes later, and have to ask them what they just said. It's so weird. I've never been like that before. I have a great memory and i remember even the smallest details, but these days it's so strange. I forget so many things, even if i was just told at that instant. It's pretty much gotten to the point that people are asking me if i'm okay because i always have a "worried" "scared" or "nervous" look on my face, and i'm too quiet, and i drift off.
This is just really scaring me, i don't know why this is happening to me. Could it be a result of the break up, or my relationship with him?
I'm so sorry this is so long....i am just a huge mess right now. I don't know what to do. Any help would be really appreciated, thank you.
My bf ended our relationship for reasons he said couldn't explain. He's military and constantly deploying. He wanted to still be friends, but i was having a hard time accepting that, since my feelings were still very strong. Anytime i told him i can't do this anymore, and i need to let go, we got into a huge fight, and wouldn't talk for a while. Then we would end up reconciling and talking again. He knew i was hurting and was upset, and it would make him upset too, but nothing changed. I guess i just wanted closure to the break up, but wasn't getting it because i didn't know why he ended it. It got to a point where i was absolutely drained from everything. At this point i figured it's probably ptsd, but at the same time i wasn't too sure because he would tell me from time to time that he misses me, and thinks of me everyday, that his thoughts of me make him happy and they help him sleep at night, that he does love me and want me, but he feels dead inside. He said he needs to find his own answers and doesn't want any help from anyone, because it tears him down rather than bring him up. Also he said nobody, including me, will ever understand what he's going through.
I guess it just got to a point where it was too much push and pull for me. I was trying to be there for him and encourage him to get some help, and just trying to be a good friend to him, since he wanted to remain friends after the break up. On the other hand i was struggling with being his friend because it was killing me inside that i had such strong feelings for him still, and overnight it seemed like he lost all feelings. Anytime i would talk about the break up and try and either get closure for myself, or try and fix the relationship, he would get really mad at me and dissapear for a while. Yet, he would come back later and talk to me as if everything was just fine and nothing happened before. This was really doing a number on me, i was so confusedddd. I didn't know if he ended it because of some particular reason...like did he fall out of love with me, has he met someone else, did i do something wrong?? Or if he ended it because he's numb and possibly has ptsd but just doesn't know it yet? I guess that's why i stuck around for so long, because i wanted to believe it was possibly ptsd.
(Just an FYI: As soon as i saw signs of ptsd, i sent him some information to read and did not pressure him to get back to me, but only when he was ready. He appreciated my help and the information but said he felt too uncomfortable to talk about anything, or the possibility of ptsd. He also said he knows that isn't what i want to hear, but he doesn't know what else to say...he's just confused and doesn't have a clue.)
He was showing signs of ptsd very clearly, IMO...from his actions, behavior, attitude, personality, including some of the things he shared with me that bother him sometimes. I believe he was talking about flashbacks (but didn't realize that's what he was having since he described it as being a weird and strange thing and he doesn't feel normal for it). He also told me he has countless thoughts about the people in Afghan/Iraq cities he's been into and wonders how many survived, how many are injured, how many children are injured or have been killed, are the children without parents, how many mothers have died, pregnant women.
He said his mind is consumed with thoughts of children--he finds himself thinking of situations where he sees children about to be hurt or killed, and right before it happens, he fades out and comes around, and doesn't realize what just happened, and the whole time it was happening his body was frozen. I'm not too sure, but i thought these might be flashbacks perhaps? Am i wrong? Is it something else?
He doesn't sleep well, he barely sleeps, he can't fall asleep, he wakes up randomly, he's always exhausted, his mind shuts down on him and he can't concentrate sometimes, his typing skills have gotten worse over time; he can't spell simple words anymore. He thinks he's gotten dumber over the years. He doesn't like to smile or laugh anymore and if he finds himself doing so, he quickly stops and goes back to his serious mode, i guess.
His co-workers think he's changed, they joke with him telling him he needs to see a therapist, and he's always off daydreaming or on another planet. He spends long days in the office...longer than he should have to. I think he's become a workaholic.
It's gotten to the point that we don't even talk anymore, he had stopped contacting me completely through email or instant messenger, and i wasn't able to call him since he's in iraq, and he didn't call me either though. I told him i needed some time and space to heal, and get over the break up because it still hurts quite bad. I still love him, i always will, i want to fix our relationship and i want him back, but i can't handle this anymore...there's just too many conflicting emotions i'm feeling. It's such a cycle...he shares and opens up a little about what he thinks about or whats bothering him, i listen, then he dissapears for a while, i get distraught because he's dissapeared for so long and try and email him and i show my concern for him and pour my heart out to him, he rejects it politely, i get bitter, we argue, we don't talk for a while...then he comes back to talk to me again after a while. AND THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF.
**sighhhh** This has all happened while he's on this current deployment. It's been so hard to deal with it. In 7 months of being there, he has called me ONCE, and that was after he read my LAST email attempt to cut ties with him because i couldn't do this anymore. During that conversation we didn't talk about anything to do with the relationship or my email, or anything he's going through. I tried to lighten the mood though and we had a few jokes and a good conversation i suppose, but only because i made sure i sounded okay and happy, so that he could be in a more comfortable mood too.
When i wrote the most recent email to him telling him i need time to heal and gather my thoughts and i won't be contacting him for now, he actually accepted it, but this is where he also admitted that he has a mental weakness, and is embarrassed by it, and he needs to find the answers himself, without anyones help. He also told me that he tried to tell me in the very beginning that he is a brick wall, and doesn't share anything with people close to him, and that i wouldn't totally accept that. He said he's dead inside, but he still cares about me, misses me, loves me, and thinks of me everyday, as i mentioned before. I feel like he finally let the cat out of the bag to me in his response, confirming that he does have a problem and that he needs to deal with it alone.
Why did he wait so long to finally tell me this? I have a feeling he's had this for a while, but it's progressively gotten worse over time. Did he not tell me because he didn't want to lose me entirely, even though he ended it? Am i doing the right thing by backing off and not contacting him now? Is that what he wants? I have no clue what he wants. I always wonder if we will ever get back together again. This is the guy who told me a few months back that he wants to marry me and have children together.
I just don't know what to do anymore, or what i can even do to help him. Even though we have no contact right now, should i still let him know that i care and that i'm here for him? This is just so overwhelming for me. I feel like i'm constantly stepping on eggshells with him..and he told me he feels like he's stepping on eggshells around me.
I don't know, but i just feel so guilty for cutting all communication with him, i feel like he was expecting something more when i replied to his last e-mail, but i didnt. I just told him i hope he finds his answers soon, and that he feels better.
OK, Now on to me:
I've had 2 "episodes" this week, where i have felt like i was literally going to die, and had no idea what was going on. One occured when i was asleep--i woke up out of nowhere and couldn't breathe, sweated profusely to the point that i felt like i just stepped out of the shower and my shirt was soaked, i couldn't move, or breathe, my heart was racing..i got out of my bed and tried to stand up and make my way to the bathroom. I could barely walk, i felt like my legs were giving way on me. I struggled to get to the bathroom and without knowing what i was actually doing, i ended up laying down on my bathroom floor. At that point, i felt like i was having an out of body experience, it was so strange, i didn't know where i was, or what was going on. I felt like i couldn't function, or think at all. My stomach was hurting bad, and i felt nauseous, but i couldn't throw anything up. I also ended up with diahrrea for 40 minutes. I really thought i was going to die, it felt like a heart attack, my throat became the size of a straw. It really scared me and shook me up for the rest of the day.
Since that episode which was on the 31st october, i have had a tingly and numb feeling in my feet and hands ever since. I also have constant butterflies in my stomach, they never EVER go. They're always there. I feel like im nervous about something but i don't know what. I always feel worried, and i don't know what i'm worried over. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. My body is constantly shaking, particularly my hands and feet. I feel my heart racing at times, and i get headaches a lot. Sometimes i get stomach pains. I've lost my appetite, and can't stand looking at food anymore. I struggle to eat, and i've lost 15lbs in 3 weeks. I have sudden outbursts of tears, and i just cry so hard, and i feel a pain in my chest.
The second "episode" was this morning. I was already awake, but i felt my legs just go dead, and the same thing happened again, minus the severe sweating. And i still have the butterflies constantly and the nervous worried feeling. It never leaves. I also noticed that my memory has gotten weaker. When someone says something to me, i literally forget it 2 minutes later, and have to ask them what they just said. It's so weird. I've never been like that before. I have a great memory and i remember even the smallest details, but these days it's so strange. I forget so many things, even if i was just told at that instant. It's pretty much gotten to the point that people are asking me if i'm okay because i always have a "worried" "scared" or "nervous" look on my face, and i'm too quiet, and i drift off.
This is just really scaring me, i don't know why this is happening to me. Could it be a result of the break up, or my relationship with him?
I'm so sorry this is so long....i am just a huge mess right now. I don't know what to do. Any help would be really appreciated, thank you.