TheDeepestScar
Learning
All day long ever since I woke up, I've felt disconnected from everyone around me. I've had no energy or motivation to do the slightest of tasks.
I've put up so many barriers around me and my husband but I'm thankful to have a patient, kind and caring husband who tries to understand.
I don't see how he can understand when I can hardly understand myself.
Today has been a really bad day for me. I mean I've wanted to cry all day but that happens alot and I just can't cry because I was punished as a child for crying.
So I'm convinced it's something that's not allowed despite what others try to tell me.
I'm just now starting the recovery process. Per my therapist's advice I re-opened my disability claim to try to get it changed from 70% service connected with individual unemployability to 100% which she feels I'm entitled to.
Nobody has tried to care for me in the professional field before always choosing to ignore my thoughts or brush it off, I've been co-diagnosed with so many things it's hard to keep it all straight. I get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and so every therapist I see treats me like I'm the problem child.
Except this one. She actually wrote one of the books in the recommended books section that I saw sticky noted at the top here. "The PTSD Workbook". Like I said in a previous post she has told me and I've read cause I also have her workbook that I have complex PTSD which mimics all these other things they are saying I have wrong with me.
They use Avoidant Personality Disorder or Social anxiety to explain the social isolation I put myself through. I don't have any local friends. Just online friends. It's easier for me to talk to someone I can't see if that even makes sense.
I'm sorry I'm just going on right now, I'm feeling really lonely right now and unsure of myself which is typical.
I'm decided to try to keep a thought/feeling/dream journal for my therapist to see. She suggested a dream journal but I decided to write down the thoughts and feelings to, when I have panic attacks, which I have been bordering on for the last half hour.
Unfortunately the medication I take numbs too much and so alot of times I feel absolutely nothing. My psychiatrist is medication happy and has me on 5 different psych meds.
It's funny really, I'm in a room with 2 children and a husband that cares about me and I know this but yet I feel alone and don't understand why I always feel that way. I feel alone and want to be alone but at the same time don't want to be alone which completely contradicts itself....
It's all confusing to me. :wall:
I've put up so many barriers around me and my husband but I'm thankful to have a patient, kind and caring husband who tries to understand.
I don't see how he can understand when I can hardly understand myself.
Today has been a really bad day for me. I mean I've wanted to cry all day but that happens alot and I just can't cry because I was punished as a child for crying.
So I'm convinced it's something that's not allowed despite what others try to tell me.
I'm just now starting the recovery process. Per my therapist's advice I re-opened my disability claim to try to get it changed from 70% service connected with individual unemployability to 100% which she feels I'm entitled to.
Nobody has tried to care for me in the professional field before always choosing to ignore my thoughts or brush it off, I've been co-diagnosed with so many things it's hard to keep it all straight. I get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and so every therapist I see treats me like I'm the problem child.
Except this one. She actually wrote one of the books in the recommended books section that I saw sticky noted at the top here. "The PTSD Workbook". Like I said in a previous post she has told me and I've read cause I also have her workbook that I have complex PTSD which mimics all these other things they are saying I have wrong with me.
They use Avoidant Personality Disorder or Social anxiety to explain the social isolation I put myself through. I don't have any local friends. Just online friends. It's easier for me to talk to someone I can't see if that even makes sense.
I'm sorry I'm just going on right now, I'm feeling really lonely right now and unsure of myself which is typical.
I'm decided to try to keep a thought/feeling/dream journal for my therapist to see. She suggested a dream journal but I decided to write down the thoughts and feelings to, when I have panic attacks, which I have been bordering on for the last half hour.
Unfortunately the medication I take numbs too much and so alot of times I feel absolutely nothing. My psychiatrist is medication happy and has me on 5 different psych meds.
It's funny really, I'm in a room with 2 children and a husband that cares about me and I know this but yet I feel alone and don't understand why I always feel that way. I feel alone and want to be alone but at the same time don't want to be alone which completely contradicts itself....
It's all confusing to me. :wall: