Nervous About Telling Family I Won't Be At Reunion This Weekend.

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so I just got home from therapy a couple of hours ago. It went good, we instilled the positive thought using EMDR and then just talked about things that have come up emotionally. I told her I didn't want to go to my family reunion this weekend, especially after finding out my T was going to be out of town next week. She asked why, and that is a bit complicated. I will try to explain, but it might be long.

Ok so the reunion is on my dad's side of the family and for the most part they are great. I am really close to my Aunt. My dad is the only one who has ever hurt me and we are trying to move past the abuse. My mom kept everyone else from being able to see me. I've only gotten back in touch with them since 2010 when my Aunt found me on Facebook. Since then I have went to the summer family reunions and Christmas get togethers. I also feel awkward to some extent and like I don't fit it. Me and my T talked about this, I don't really know healthy family dynamics and so It all feels so weird and scary. One of my uncle's is the family know it all and he can be a bit insensitive. However, he has in his own way told me he was sorry I ended up with two of the worst parents he could imagine, one being his brother.

Our get togethers have always been a tad overwhelming, but normally worth it. I often find myself observing everyone, taking in how everyone interacts. However, this year I am afraid it would just be too overwhelming for many reasons. One being I have just finished my first "round" of EMDR and it has brought up past memories that in a few weeks we will start processing again. While my nightmares are better, I still have other issues with flashbacks and intrusive memories as well as panic attacks.

Secondly there is the issue of Bristol. One I won't be able to keep her with me 24/7. One of my aunts is allergic to dogs, so she won't be able to go on the boat with us. I don't feel safe leaving her to roam with my other uncle's dogs. I could leave her at my dad's during the day, but she has separation anxiety and I think it would be made worse being in a new place. Plus I would honestly need her. The other issue is only my actual aunt (not by marriage, the one I'm close too) and my dad know I have Bristol for a psychiatric reason as well as physical. I know they all would be asking about her, especially my know it all uncle, and I don't feel comfortable sharing right now.

So while I REALLY would like to see my Aunt, I just don't feel mentally prepared to spend 4 days with all of them and with only Bristol to help at night. I've also been battling with headaches again, so I could use that as an excuse. I go see my doctor Thursday.

I feel bad for not wanting to go and I know when I call my dad to tell him, he is going to be sad as well as my aunt. My T said while she thinks spending time with my "good" family will help in the long run, she understands that right now it would be too overwhelming, plus I would not be able to follow up with her next week since she will be on vacation. Me and my dad already have a day planned in August for me to come and see him, so hopefully he will be okay.

Ugh, I hate feeling so vulnerable :(

 

[KwanYingirl]

I share your dilemma, dog and all. I know that you want to stay as calm as possible to get the best benefit from EMDR. Family is a pickle for me. I begged off attending the family cookout last weekend. There is a lot of drunk people and I feel left out. If I can take refuge at my daughters the night of a visit, I can get through it. Annie doesn't feel comfortable-Yikes-we are having a severe thunderstorm with microburst activity over my town-sorry just got spooked by a clap of thunder. Anyway, my family does not in any way make accommodations for my chemical intolerance. My sister smokes right at me, she burns all her scented candles and sprays her yard to kill Mosquitos. I ended up in the ER once on my way home and I didn't have anyplace to put Annie so I took her into the ER. She didn't have her service jacket nor did I have my paperwork for her. Thankfully the nurses were very cool and let her stay with me.
Is there a way that you could just go for one afternoon? Is it a long way to get there? Bristol is important, she's still pretty new in her training.

I think all in all people will forgive you if you can't make it. Stuff happens. I used my body memories get me out of this cookout because they might be actually kidney stones.

Having the possibility of panic attacks without access to your therapist is important. Is there any other way to visit your Aunt? Next year after your EMDR and a year more of Bristol I'm sure you'll feel better about things.

I think I had the worst parents, but you too? We deserve to be I triggered, anxiety free it's not asking that much.

 

[scout86]

Good luck!

Hopefully your dad & your aunt will be understanding and you'll get some chances to spend some quality time with them under better circumstances. But, mostly GOOD FOR YOU, for making the effort to look out for yourself and take care of yourself. That can be kind of hard to do, but usually it's "progress".

If it makes you feel any better, I only found out a couple of weeks ago that it actually IS ok to say, "Sorry, but I can't make it." when invited to an event I really don't want to go to. And, I'm WAY older than you are. Talked it over with my T. He kindly provided a couple of possible scripts to use to decline the invitation, and it worked just the way he predicted. Everyone was understanding, no one asked for an explanation, and I didn't have to go. I hope things go equally well for you!

 

[Spin1005]

Wow! I am so feeling both you right now. I don't have a service dog (just a regular slobbering member of the family,lol) but I do have parents and family that makes me feel like an outcast. You should not feel as though you have to do anything out of worry for hurting others because, What about you? You sound like you are hurting inside or at the very least really uncomfortable about going. You need to take care of YOU! You deserve to feel ok about things, don't you?

I like to hear about the fact that others are trying EMDR. I am new to it and have only tried it three times and actually never heard of it until I found my new fabulous therapist. It scares me somewhat because it feels like I am re-living all the terrible things that have happened to me throughout and after it stays with me. Can you tell me how you feel about the effects of EMDR? Like if you are feeling any difference yet? I'm sorry I don't know how long you have been doing it.

Anyhow, back to YOU! I really hope you are able to make a choice that is best for you. You are the one who has to be able to sleep at night and go through your days with anxiety so make YOURSELF the priority. It is sweet for you to think of others but the only one who can stick up for you IS YOU. I really wish you peace and hope for better days to come your way. Love to the puppy as well!

 

[Springer80]

Look after yourself. Do what you need to do. Your aunt is the only one who you say you actually want to see. So why not arrange to meet up with her for a coffee when your up to it?

You don't have to justify your needs or decisions to other people.

Lastly and this is a bit off topic but did I infer correctly that your Dad 'hurt you' i.e. abused you? If that's right and your going to family reunions with him, that is just beyond me.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I think all in all people will forgive you if you can't make it. Stuff happens. I used my body memories get me out of this cookout because they might be actually kidney stones.

Is there any other way to visit your Aunt?

Yeah I am going to use my headaches and blistered feet as an excuse…

Not really, she lives like 10 hours away now that her and her husband divorced :(. And I can't go for just one afternoon, its like 2 and a half hours away and I don't have the gas to do that.


Thank you @scout86 , My T has stressed the importance of this in healing and I know that if I am going to be in shape mentally to start school at the end of next month, I have to do things now to make that happen.

You sound like you are hurting inside or at the very least really uncomfortable about going.

This side of the family is good to me, they just don't understand a lot of things and I don't feel capable of dealing with my demons so to say while being overwhelmed with being around them again. I was never allowed to be around them much growing up and when I was, my mom had me brainwashed and terrified of them! I am hurting from issues coming up right now and just trying to cope.

Can you tell me how you feel about the effects of EMDR?

I have only done 2 and a half sessions so far, but I can tell the difference! We started with one of my newest traumas that happened in November. We were able to get my physical responses to that trauma down to a 0 and instill a positive thought. I am still battling the emotions of what happened, but have not had nightmares since our last processing session last Thursday which is HUGE! She is giving me a 3 week break from EMDR before we tackle some of the other related (sexual) traumas. She said I have what is called complex trauma… physically, sexually, and emotionally abused my whole entire childhood, abandonment, rape, head injury, etc. So I will be doing EMDR a lot, but we are taking it slowly and she is giving me breaks between the targets. Good luck with your journey with EMDR and I hope it helps!

So why not arrange to meet up with her for a coffee when your up to it?

Lastly and this is a bit off topic but did I infer correctly that your Dad 'hurt you' i.e. abused you? If that's right and your going to family reunions with him, that is just beyond me.

As far as my Aunt, I can't because she lives like 10 hours away. However, I am considering taking some extra money I get from school and making a trip out to see her during one of my breaks.

As far as my dad, yes he physically abused me up to the age of 12. Then for like 1-2 after the courts demanded visitation only be at his mom house supervised, he just quit coming and I just visited with my grandmother. Then he started dated a christian and actually tried to be in my life for a year until his mom died. Then he was in and out and I told him if he couldn't be the dad I needed to get out, I couldn't ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I didn't hear from him for 6 years.

He was physically abusive while married to his now ex wife, my old step mom. She sexually molested me and they had a very violent relationship. While I know he chose to abuse me, she was behind a LOT of it. Once the courts put a restraining order against her for me, they eventually divorced because his mom said otherwise she would disown him. Thats when the abuse stopped. Now we have an awkward relationship at best, definitely not a fatherly figure though he is genuinely trying. For a couple of years it was EXTREMELY difficult, and can still be at times. However he is trying.

My T is amazed at what she calls my ability to forgive. My mom emotionally has tortured, manipulated, destroyed me. But I still love her and right now am forced to live with her due to finances. I did go 2 months without talking to her and lived on my own for 2 years when I left for college. I dunno, I just can't be mean despite everything they've done. My T says I wouldn't be being mean, but to me I would be. She is helping me to learn to set boundaries...

 

[Spin1005]

Wow! The progress from EMDR sounds great and we have so many similar issues right down to the brain injury, so you have given me great hope! I do appreciate you being so candid and really hope the best for you.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Spin1005 you are so welcome! It is definitely intense, but I believe worth it. Which I could not do it with any other T! My T really knows my body language and is very encouraging. She constantly reminds me that these are memories and that she is there right beside me and that I'm safe. I have a lot of "physical memories" where my body tenses or reacts but there is no visual memory. Like, when I was little and dealing with the abuse and everything, I would get VERY sick to my stomach and shaky. Thats how I was Thursday after EMDR. We got the rape memory down to a 0, but it brought up the time I was molested by my cousin and my stepmom and thats where the physical memories were coming from.

It's definitely no fun, but as my T says we are taking the direct route through it to deal with it instead of skirting around it and only dealing with the symptoms. Thank you for your well wishes, I wish the same for you!