Ending Therapy?

[scout86]

It seems like we could have a special section just for people who are worried their therapist is giving up on them, or they aren't making enough progress, or any of a bunch of other related topics. So, here we go again.

About a month ago, my T mentioned that he was going to be leaving the place he's been working out of. I don't totally get the situation. Seems he's kind of an independent contractor and maybe the place is closing down. They have had their differences, whatever the case. He told me about it as soon as he heard, and said that all it would mean was that we'd find a different place to meet. He COULD retire. He's actually retired a couple of times before (he's not that old, but he decided that he could), but he didn't like being "retired". Anyway, I knew him quitting was a possibility, but he's assured me that "all it means is we find a different place to meet". Last week, he said he'd found a place. Cool!

A few hours ago, in the last few minutes of the session (this is classic, isn't it?) he announced that there's been a change. He's been doing a lot of driving and apparently has a practice in another town too. (I didn't know that.) His family has convinced him he doesn't need to be driving to both places several times a week, so he's decided to quit coming to the town where I see him completely. He explained his reasoning. It makes total sense. And then we were out of time!

So, during all this, I'm trying to listen to him while listening to a "voice in my head" going, "FINE! NOW what???" It was a bit distracting!

I just sent him an email and suggested that, perhaps, we could have devoted more time to that topic. Then I asked for his thoughts on "Now what?"

So, do they TELL them, in therapist school, to spring this stuff on people at the end of the hour for some reason?

But, "Now what?" is the real question. We've spent a year & a half developing some trust. It's a big deal. There have been ups and downs. We've actually, in the last few weeks, gotten close to some scary stuff. What are the odds of wrapping it all neatly up by the end of the year, because that's the time frame?

It's possible I can drive to where he's still going to be working. It's a couple hours from my house. I'd do it, but I don't know if it will fit his schedule. And, maybe I don't really need this anyway. How do you know? I mean, I managed a lot of years all by myself, more or less fine. By now, my life is probably as screwed up as I can make it anyway and maybe it's too late in the game for there to be any point in trying to "fix" anything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did this. I've learned a lot, for sure. There's probably still more I could learn. But, maybe things are fine too, just the way they are.

AND, I don't know if I have "abandonment issues". I'm not sure I ever felt wanted enough to BE abandoned, but I guess there's a part of me that experiences this as a loss that I don't want, like so many others. (That "part" is going, "I'm never going to trust anybody ever again!" because that's what it always says in these kinds of situations.)

Help?

 

[Ice_Fire]

I think they must learn to spring stuff on us in the last few minutes of a session because all my therapists have done stupid sh*t like that on me before! One to say that she had to end our sessions because she was children's and I was turning 18 (she had previously said she had swung it so I could work with her until I left school) and that our last session had to be the week before my birthday. That gave us a month! To be fair to her, we're still in contact and she didn't like the fact she had to end with me any more than I did.

Second therapist used to cancel appointments for the following week right at the end. Currently my (third) T hasn't done that, but she has changed the appointment time/day.

AND, I don't know if I have "abandonment issues". I'm not sure I ever felt wanted enough to BE abandoned, but I guess there's a part of me that experiences this as a loss that I don't want, like so many others. (That "part" is going, "I'm never going to trust anybody ever again!" because that's what it always says in these kinds of situations.)

This made me laugh, as I know exactly what you mean. My T's have said about abandonment issues and I always reply with 'how can you be abandoned if you were never loved in the first place?!'

 

[radicalgratitude]

I mean, I managed a lot of years all by myself, more or less fine.

I think you get to a point, though, where there is no turning back, and you can't just manage the trauma on your own anymore. Or you try, but the stupid can of worms is already opened and you can't keep it shut. So while going back to how things were is a lovely thought, things never will be the same again. :sour:

That is, until you are done processing your traumas. :cool:

 

[Jane.l]

Oh f**k @scout !!! I read the heading of this thread and then saw it was you!!! - I'm sorry - this sucks. I know you have a good relationship with your T . Bringing it up at the end of the session is not very fair wtf are you meant to do with that ?!?
Anyway for all I have learnt in the last few weeks is that maybe it's possible to do work with another T if you have to - all through therapy I have said I will only work with my T as he gets my quirky, very unconventional nature but I do see now that if nothing else he had given me the skills to work with someone other than him - I am slightly out of it tonight but scout hang on in there one way or another we'll sort it :hug:

 

[radicalgratitude]

Find out if he does Skype. My therapist and I are a few time-zones away from each other.

 

[Friday]

I feel ya. I'm currently "in transition" between therapists. I have not been avoiding it. I am not in denial about it ;). It's only been 4 months. LeSigh. Totally avoiding and in denial over it. It's just been one thing too many piled on top of a plate a whole lotta other one to many's have already slid off of to go splat on the floor. So I've been going back to bed.

This falls under the category of "Don't be me".

I'm about an inch away from saying 'screw it" and kicking into all of my desperation coping mechanisms.

Problem for me is also too much distance & trust, or the lack thereof. Nearest trauma therapists that deal with my issues is 5.5 hours away without snow. I don't wanna drive 11-15 hours once a week. I'm fine. Outstanding. Peachy.

Because so much of life is about what I want. Yep. FacePalm.

My suggestion would be to either work it out with your current T so that you drive, or train, or otherwise schlep down there for the duration or interim... Or have him help you transition to someone new. I thought I'd have the energy to get this ball rolling back in June. I so have not had that energy. Because you don't wanna be where I'm at right now. Every third day I start thinking I'm normal. Crap. Which means I'm ramping up / normalizing abnormal behavior. Again. Don't be me. This was really stupid of me.

 

[scout86]

@radicalgratitude that's kind of what I'm worried about. I'm also a little worried because I DO remember how "well" things were going when I emailed my T the first time. I think I've made progress. I also think, if I haven't opened a can of worms, I've definitely knocked the can around enough to stir the worms up. AND, earlier in today's session he was kind of suggesting giving serious thought to actually OPENING the can! (Which makes the way he decided to end the day seem especially weird.)

scout hang on in there one way or another we'll sort it :hug:

I really hate to cry, but THAT did it! (Fortunately it's just me & the dogs here, so no one else has to know! :))

 

[Chava]

That sucks, I'm sorry. You'd think it would be the sort of thing he'd bring up right away at the beginning of the session....seems really unfair to bring up at the end and leave with the NOW WHAT. I sometimes wonder if I managed good enough without therapy, but my "good enough" has always been survival mode and I really want to feel like I can live beyond that. I've wanted to quit therapy, mainly because I feel like I require too much support sometimes and want to quit before I'm dumped or feel like I'm being blown off by my therapist. She always tells me e-mails are okay but has responded less, especially in recent crisis moments it seems...maybe wanting me to save it for our work which has more to do with somatic stuff. But anyway, the stress of therapy is often a new layer of stress and when I'm having a meltdown, my go-to situation seems to be not trusting ANYONE anyway...so even though I might reach out with an e-mail, it feels like I'm jumping off a cliff by even asking for help. It feels safer not to trust others or involve them in my sh*t.

Anyway, I'm in a rural situation and have to travel some to meet with my therapist. Is there any chance you can travel to meet with him still? I like that you sent a note about wishing more time had been spent on the topic (for sure!) and "now what?" Really, what would he suggest? A referral? Travel? Something else? It sounds especially hard since you feel like you're just starting to get somewhere. It takes me years to warm up to anyone and I usually quit therapy before I get anything out of it because I don't warm up to the situation at all...I just want to talk about the weather. The trust thing is a big deal, you're right.

I hope you get some answers. Sorry your session ended like that and you have all this to deal with. In some way (not saying it's good or helpful), you can notice and keep track of all the feelings, fears, and questions that are coming up and hopefully have some support through figuring out what the next step is.

 

[Jane.l]

@scout crying is good for you go for it - I could cry for you and I almost never cry !! You helped me so much when I was at my lowest - I am here for you 100%

 

[scout86]

I'm about an inch away from saying 'screw it" and kicking into all of my desperation coping mechanisms.

Oh I most definitely get THAT!

@radicalgratitude , HE might do Skype, I don't know about ME, I hate even talking on the phone.

As far as transitioning to some else, besides "I donne wanna!" I'm not sure there IS anyone else. There's one woman in the area who says she does PTSD. I've met her. I do some farrier work at her barn. I took an immediate dislike to her, the first time I met her, for some reason. So, that ain't happening.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Scout, that is a weird session. It's strange how things get worse before they get better in therapy.

I personally don't like to talk on the phone myself. Skype is a little different though. I try to pretend I'm in his office. We use gmail chat and it goes well.

 

[scout86]

@Chava , I'm kind of hoping we can still make this work, even if I end up doing a lot of driving. That will depend on his schedule, as much as anything. Of course there IS the possibility that this is an elaborate scheme to get rid of me....... (Just kidding. Mostly!)

I DO kind of wonder if there's some "method" to this "throw it at them at the end of the session" madness. I've tried to put myself in his spot. I'd be dreading that conversation! Especially since, in this case, LAST WEEK, as I was leaving, I said "It doesn't matter to me what you do, as long as you don't do one of those deals where 'mom & dad' pack up & move while the kid is in school, without leaving a forwarding address." He laughed and said he wouldn't do that. Well, obviously he didn't (yet?). But, that was "me" saying that I was trying not to worry but I was a little worried, whether he knew it or not. Of course, he was supposed to read my mind!

But, maybe there ARE reasons for doing this at the end of the session? It often takes me awhile to figure out what I want to ask. He certainly gave me the chance to think about it! He has suggested sometimes that the best way to communicate with my mother, when I have to, might be by email. (It forces her to express herself in words, rather than just throw a bunch of "feelings" out there and expect me to figure out what she wants from me then do it.) I don't know!

But, I appreciate all the input. I feel a little less lost already.