Abused Serverly In A Relationship That Went Bad Almost Killed...triggers...

[Cerulean Synapse]

So just over a year ago, I was in a four year relationship that was abusive. I was trying to be compassionate and take care of a guy who was an epileptic, how had intermittent explosive disorder and antisocial personality disorder on top of that. I was trying to be caring, but he would lash out and the way he would lash out was so scary that he did unforeseeable damage to me. He tried to blame it on his epilepsy, but for me to think all epileptics had anger and rage issues seemed kind of a bad rap. He would strangle, restrain, hold me down, push shove, punch and leave marks that were seeable to the face but to everywhere else in my body they were. I wore long clothes all the time to try to hide bruises and contusions that I had received from this guy. And he financially screwed me with a car, cellphone, and electric bill which I am telling the bill collectors he has some responsibility for. He also raped me when I was intoxicated, this was before I ever got sober and he raped my alter egos.

He tried to say that I raped him. I don't even believe I did. He gas lighted me the whole way into an overdose 3 times. I am just trying to undo this wreckage with my psychologist. It's hard to do a 12 step program when you have that and a bunch of other traumatic things that happened on top of your plate and this only happened less than a year ago. Plus when I kicked him out instead of going to a womens shelter, he squatted for weeks in my own back yard. It was like he used pressure to stay where he was.

The only thing I can say is that I want to say the man was sick for doing this for me and he deserves to be in jail instead of avoiding the cops, and bill collectors. And right now my current relationship is destroyed because of this guy, I just can't have one right now. I have to focus on myself. But I want to know when does the flashbacks of him, and his voice go away? Do they ever when they have done so much wreckage? Or does it just take years to heal?

 

[Ronin]

It may never go away, @Cerulean Synapse, I'm sorry for that.

But you can learn to tune it out & have all he did not have rule your life and perception and emotionality, with time and patience and facing things.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I still am hyper vigilant about my ex who sounds like yours minus the epilepsy. I could not get rid of him. I finally had the police talk to him and they must've had something in his past for leverage because he got all his stuff out immediately. He continued to stalk me. I still cringe when I see a white pickup truck. Do you know how many white pickups there are out there? A ton!!! One day my friend was telling me how she did a Google search on a guy from Match. Com and I asked her todo one on my ex. Turns out he's relocated to Florida far far away. What a relief. Everyone told me he'd just move on to his next victim but I was hyper anyway. I moved and did it really stealth like. Only way he could get to me is at my business. But he's moved far away. I wish your abuser does too.

Since I got that news, I have been able to calm down and actually feel safe where I am. I even sleep with my windows open.

As far as 12 step groups it's how I got sober and stay sober for 24 years. I have all the crap of having PTSD but know what to do if I get cravings. First is sobriety, the rest is gifts of sobriety. I wish you well.

 

[Chava]

I want to know when does the flashbacks of him, and his voice go away? Do they ever when they have done so much wreckage? Or does it just take years to heal?

It's pretty individual, but fair to say it takes patience and time to heal, and good if you are able to focus on yourself and not worry about managing a close relationship if you don't need to.

It's hard to do a 12 step program when you have that and a bunch of other traumatic things that happened on top of your plate and this only happened less than a year ago.

I'd sort of echo what @KwanYingirl said. Sobriety has to be a top priority, even if life is a mess. But you also need the right resources and supports to help you. Is therapy an option? And 12 step meetings? It helps me a lot to go to meetings and make that a priority. I had a series of relapses after a med change, not long ago, and have not yet found a sponsor I feel comfortable working with. Not a lot of options in my rural area, but there are some who understand the trauma background stuff. Or, you can leave that all for therapy and use a sponsor as a sobriety support...someone to call when you have the urge to drink/use, someone to sort of commit to seeing at meetings or meeting with for coffee, someone to help process higher power stuff, or other sources of spiritual nurturance and support (my previous sponsors were very helpful and flexible this way, since I do have some god issues).

Only you can prioritize what you need. When I originally sobered up, drinking was killing me (and was going that direction lately, too). I went to treatment several times. Maybe that's another option for you, too. It's hard to make good use of therapy and working through trauma if using. But it's also hard to do 12-steps alone without therapy if you have a major trauma background. It will all take time, but your chances will be better if you can find a therapist who can help you address the trauma, but also work on your sobriety and supports and resources for coping and grounding without needing to use.

Hang in there. It's not easy. But it's possible to do sobriety and trauma healing and move slowly beyond the total wreckage it creates in our lives.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

Thank you guys, I have a therapist and I will continue to go to meetings. God bless.